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Sex after kids: The art of the quickie
June 16th, 2011
07:11 AM ET

Sex after kids: The art of the quickie

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

Hey parents, remember sex before kids? Remember when lovemaking was long and languorous, when vacations and weekends (and every other moment of the day for that matter) potentially revolved around sex? Remember morning sex?

Chances are that many dads will get to sleep in this Father’s Day, but odds are their Sunday morning won’t include much post-coital cuddling - or coital anything for that matter. According to a recent survey by the online magazine Baby Talk, just 24% of parents say they’re satisfied with their post-baby sex lives, compared to 66% who were happy before they had children.

At Good in Bed, we believe that parenthood is about perfecting the art of the quickie and finding moments between the chaos and exhaustion to squeeze in some intimacy. Quickies don’t necessarily have to lead to orgasm, and they don’t even have to be wholly sexual.

Take a long hug, for example. Studies have shown that positive physical touch stimulates a brain chemical called oxytocin. Dubbed the “cuddle hormone,” it’s produced during a range of scenarios, including sexual arousal, orgasm and childbirth.

The result: Oxytocin helps to create a sense of emotional intimacy, relaxation, contentment and trust. Scientists have even found that oxytocin helps relieve stress, improve mood and lower blood pressure. Even better, you and your partner easily can boost oxytocin all day long: just a 20 to 30-second hug can raise oxytocin levels in both men and women.

Other potential quickies:

Re-discovering the art of the kiss. Believe it or not, less than 50% of people kiss their partners on daily basis. No wonder so many people are stuck in sex ruts. Once we stop kissing, it’s a sign that something needs to change.

Sending your partner a sexy text. These days technology is often depicted as a time bomb that could destroy a relationship at any moment, but couples in trusting long-term relationship can use sexy emails and texts with each other to cultivate their connection and build sexual anticipation.

Telling your partner about a sexy fantasy or dream. A study at Trent University in Peterborough, Ontario, found that intercourse is the most common sexual behavior in dreams. A healthy 37% of participants reported having a sexual dream once a week, while 19% reported dreaming about sex up to five times per week. So share the dream!

Hop in the shower together. With the summer heat come more excuses to shower - why not save the water and enjoy one together? If you’re headed for the beach, take some time to rub suntan lotion on your partner with meaning and verve.

These small connections may not be explicitly sexual, but they create “transferable” desire that adds up over time and contributes to lasting sexual desire and fulfilling sexual experiences.

“Little quickies are a great way to get our adrenaline going,” writes Naughty Mommy blogger, Heidi Raykeil: “From handjobs to frisky playful exhibitionism, to just taking a moment to feel each other up, quickies are a way of re-connecting and building up a reserve of sexual anticipation. Taking the big O out as a ‘goal’ really leaves more room for playful, fun stuff - as long as we know we can get that other fulfillment later.”

So sex or no sex this Sunday, take the time for a little quickie with your partner, even if it’s just that 30-second hug and a little appreciation of the clan you’ve created together. You’ve come a long way since the days of sex before kids, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still give each other some one-on-one time. Happy Father’s Day!


soundoff (60 Responses)
  1. Rock

    Nothing like a nice hug when your rocks need some busting

    June 16, 2011 at 08:13 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Joe

      LOL.

      June 16, 2011 at 09:14 | Report abuse |
    • Blue Balls

      Oh, the pain and frustration of it all... where's that vaseline?

      June 16, 2011 at 11:04 | Report abuse |
    • dianee

      idk what's more amusing. the actual cnn stories or the comments you guys post. yours had me peeing in my pants from laughing...literally. thanks.

      June 16, 2011 at 15:00 | Report abuse |
    • Scot

      LMAO

      June 16, 2011 at 16:29 | Report abuse |
    • Geoffrey Hamilton

      WIN!!!

      June 16, 2011 at 23:51 | Report abuse |
    • Takhomasak

      bravo.

      Hurry up and hug me so I can take my iphone in the bathroom and go to:

      http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011_swimsuit/models/esti-ginzburg/11_esti-ginzburg_15.html

      June 22, 2011 at 15:17 | Report abuse |
  2. Jesus

    This article should be filed under, "why I shouldn't get married and have kids". A quickie is another way of saying that I haven't got the time to do it with care, love, and romance. So sad!

    June 16, 2011 at 08:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Judas

      I couldn't disagree more. I am fortunate to have a very healthy relationship with my wife in this regards. Sometimes I feel so much love and passion for her, and her for me, that a quickie is just what the doctor orders...even if we have all the time in the world. Love has many many faces.

      June 16, 2011 at 09:01 | Report abuse |
    • Reality Check

      A quickie is really a way of saying "The kids are up and the house is being wrecked... do something quick!"

      June 16, 2011 at 11:05 | Report abuse |
    • Susan

      Lol it's not sad, it's just life. If you don't want to participate and do EVERYTHING (kids, family, etc.), it's sad for you. Build something, build a family. What else are you going to accomplish that is better than that?

      June 16, 2011 at 11:28 | Report abuse |
    • wed110197

      Jesus and Judas... why must you two always argue?

      June 16, 2011 at 11:37 | Report abuse |
    • Jesus

      I do agree that for most people making love for many becomes routine, something to scratch off your "to do" list. I really enjoy taking my time and mixing it up. I guess that's why many married women seem to come back to me again and again.

      June 16, 2011 at 12:02 | Report abuse |
    • INDY

      @SUSAN, that is why your man is probably having some sort of affair.

      June 16, 2011 at 12:52 | Report abuse |
    • DianD

      Shoot. Speak for yourself...most quickies are hot, spontaneous, somewhat adventurous, and best of all (guys) they're quick! What's not to like?

      June 16, 2011 at 13:11 | Report abuse |
    • St. Peter

      @SUSAN. What you said is ridiculous. I don't have kids because there are MILLIONS of other possibilities in life if the 25+ year project of baby-making isn't chosen. I travel all over the world.. I experience other people, places and cultures.. I have excess income that I can spend on music, entertainment, the arts.. all of it. I have a great group of friends that I enjoy hanging with and spending time with, as well as my family. I'm a great uncle to my nieces and nephews..AND I get to give them back when they're starting to whine. I volunteer my time and effort to environmental and social causes.. why?? Because I have the time, money and energy to do so: I don't have kids. The world is massively overpopulated as it is.. I have no reason or desire to make the problem worse. Get your head out of whatever horses @ss its stuck inside SUSAN..

      June 16, 2011 at 17:02 | Report abuse |
    • stroking or squeezing?

      Yeah, SUSAN is just a broodmare who's been bred without having gone out and won any races first. People please: go out and achieve and become stable BEFORE you even THINK about producing a child. If your 18 years of child-rearing is the best you did out of 60-80 years, you do have a problem. I have no kids at all and I positively contribute in many ways to community and specific peoples' lives. I don't need my own kid to make an impact in this world. The world has way too many people anyway.

      June 16, 2011 at 19:02 | Report abuse |
    • wiflash

      sounds like susan is looking for someone to knock her up. hope she finds one before she gets 'too' old.

      June 16, 2011 at 21:52 | Report abuse |
    • dhondi

      DianD, what do you charge for them?

      June 16, 2011 at 22:33 | Report abuse |
    • dhondi

      Susan, what is sad that there are people like you who believe that.

      June 16, 2011 at 22:35 | Report abuse |
    • J.

      Yet another reason I am so glad that my wife and I decided NOT to have kids.

      June 17, 2011 at 12:59 | Report abuse |
  3. Babs

    Oxycontin is the new Oxytocin.

    June 16, 2011 at 08:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Jorge

    This is why getting married and having kids when you're really young is the dumbest thing in the world. Your twenties are for learning, building yourself up and having fun. Young men should avoid the "I want to marry and have babies" females like the plague until they have gotten for themselves a career or lucrative trade, some estate, a realistic and functional worldview and a whole lot of nookie.

    June 16, 2011 at 08:52 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Basil999

      Crude, yes, but Jorge has a point. I watched EVERY friend and acquaintance get hitched right out of high school or college and not ONE (NOT ONE) of the marriages survived much into their 30's. Your 20's is the decade of discovery of yourself and who you are as a person. Your values and your outlook on life will change DRAMATICALLY during this period, and I daresay most of us come out a different person at the end of that period. Best to wait until you know yourself before trying to build a marriage. That being said I know there are exceptions (not many though).

      June 16, 2011 at 10:19 | Report abuse |
    • Rhino

      I disagree. We've made the mistake in our culture of emphasizing this whole "self-discovery" stuff, basically letting fully grown men and women remain immature well into their 30s. There are too many man/boys around, and the consequences of their immaturity are too often harmful to themselves and others. Finding a career or trade is great, but there's no reason that marriage and family cannot be a part of that. In fact, statistically speaking, if a man is married he is far more likely to be financially successful.

      And I'm saying this as someone who's turning 30 in September, who's been happily married for five years (and counting), has a solid career and who never got any nookie from anyone before his wife on their wedding night. And I have absolutely no regrets. How many people who spend their twenties chasing nookie and their own pleasure can you say that about?

      June 16, 2011 at 10:33 | Report abuse |
    • Jesus

      Marriage is obsolete. Not needed to have kids and locking to one partner for say 50 years is punitive. You need variety!

      June 16, 2011 at 12:04 | Report abuse |
    • LennyD

      yeah...and then you get married when you're thirty, and have kids in your house well into your fifties, then you're too old to enjoy your grand-kids. Grow up a little, Jorge, stop the partying, stop worrying so much about your career, have the kids early, and enjoy your life when the kids are all gone. Shheeesh...you guys have it all backwards.

      June 16, 2011 at 12:18 | Report abuse |
    • I know more than you

      I married my wife when I was in my first stint of grad school. I was 23 and she was 20 (gasp). Now, 11 years later we're still good (not every day has been rainbows granted). I married someone that makes me a better person. She came from a non-perfect family life and so did I. I had a bit more life experience than she did back then. Between us today, we have 4 advanced degrees and a whole host of professional designations, almost all of which we've achieved together. We didn't have kids until we'd be married about 8 years. My point is, we didn't "self discovery", we discovered life together. We build a life together. I think that is a critical missing ingredient in so many relationships/marriages. Our partnership has absolutely been more valuable than the sum of its parts. I think it helps too that we weren't spoiled brats that just expected things to happen. We knew we'd have to work at it and earn our way and we did/still do...together. So, marrying young isn't a problem as long as you marry the right person. The right person isn't always the convenient choice or the one that's slinging nookie your way. I'd been married 100 times if that were the case. Also, if you are emotionally immature and have a BS perspective on what forever means, you should wait. Afterall, forever is a long time. I love my wife, she is my best friend and even if we ended up divorced tomorrow, I'd do it all over again. There may come a day where we chose to not be together, but I will always love her. The real issue IMO is that people don't really understand what partnership means. Its give and take. Too many people have to go through a divorce before they realize that. Some people go through multiple divorces before they realize that. Another point. Life is about choices. I chose my wife years ago and I still choose her today. She realizes that and works hard to be a good wife. I realize that is a two way street and thus I work hard to be a good husband. Its all about respect. I've seen people go off on their spouse for missing a turn (like the world just ended) and then there is some huge fight. Yet that same person would never do that to a coworker or a friend. I don't get it why some people treat the person they are supposed to love the most like a door mat. Respect.

      June 16, 2011 at 12:42 | Report abuse |
    • I know more than you

      final comment..... I highly encourage you to read "The Millionare Next Door".

      LennyD is absolutely correct.

      I don't know virtually anyone who waited until they were in their 30s to get married that is worth a hoot as a spouse. If you don't grow together, you're just 2 people sharing common space.

      June 16, 2011 at 12:45 | Report abuse |
    • Jorge

      Any of you early marriage promoters going to pay for some deadbeat kid's wedding? His mortgage? His alimony if things don't turn out? No? Boy, I guess it's easy to talk about other people's lifestyles when your behind doesn't have to pay off the checks you want them to write. @rhino and LennyD-I got married at 32 with a smoking 20 year-old woman, but not before I finished college, lived and worked in Curazao, Santo Domingo, Antigua and Puerto Rico. I took a 3-week road trip through Mexico in a musclecar when Mexico was the bomb. I've been places, done stuff and met women that a lot of you newbies dream about. Now I'm 56 and I drive to Charleston in a cherry classic Mercedes I bought when I was single to boogey-board on Folly Beach in the early spring and to see the MVP, my 2 year-old grandson. He has blue cat eyes, you know? And I taught him to say "hey baby" when a girl fawns over him. You guys don't know what you've been missing, but oh well.

      June 16, 2011 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
    • David

      I waited until I was 50 to get married... to a lovely 20 y.o. woman. We have a 4 y.o daughter who sleeps late, so we get to have quickies every a.m. and more serious hook-ups every other night. All you need is a copy of "Finding Nemo" and DVD player.
      The author is right in that you have to get a hug and kiss in as often as possible to keep the fire going.

      June 16, 2011 at 16:17 | Report abuse |
    • Sapphire

      @"I know more than you" I am 32 and never been married and have no kids. I guess that means that I am worthless as a potential spouse. I didn't get knocked up at 16, 17, and again at 18, and then at 19 go find myself the first guy who would take in me and my brood of kids and get married. But I should have, because that would have been much more mature, and I am sure would have given me a much more meaningful life. More meaningful than having to worry about finances, or depending on someone else's income, and spitting out babies just because it seems like the "right" thing to do.

      June 17, 2011 at 03:34 | Report abuse |
    • Tracy

      Jorge is bitter because he can't get laid.

      July 8, 2011 at 18:08 | Report abuse |
    • Maria

      You must be about 60 yr old if you think that just men want to have the freedom and fun during their 20's. Women in their 20's are not looking for marriage and kids these days. They are going to college, getting started in career and deciding on the type of man that suits their fantasy. I don't know of any women who is ready to settle down before the middle to late 20's.

      July 17, 2011 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
  5. palintwit

    FACT: Sarah Palin receives more hate mail and death threats than Obama.

    June 16, 2011 at 10:11 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Reality Check

      FACT: Palintwit posts more stupid comments than the rest of the planet combined.

      June 16, 2011 at 11:07 | Report abuse |
    • Chris

      FACT: Nobody else cares, Palintwit.

      June 16, 2011 at 11:09 | Report abuse |
    • DoubleTap

      FACT: Obama inherited organs from the white side of the family...that's why Michelle always has that sourpuss look to her

      June 16, 2011 at 12:04 | Report abuse |
    • MR

      seems the dems consist of more psychos

      June 16, 2011 at 12:14 | Report abuse |
    • David

      We all know more people hate palin than like her... WGAS... go rub one out....

      June 16, 2011 at 15:37 | Report abuse |
    • Zelda

      I see. That's why America gets threats from other nations.

      June 16, 2011 at 19:27 | Report abuse |
    • wiflash

      leave it to a twit to change the subject. you will be better off seeing a shrink to help you find what's left of your brain.

      June 16, 2011 at 21:50 | Report abuse |
    • jujubeans

      Fact: I'd like to have a quickie with Sarah Palin!

      August 9, 2011 at 12:18 | Report abuse |
  6. Diesel03

    I totally disagree with people who say not to have kids young. My wife was 21 and I was 25 when we got married in 1985. My son and daughter came along in 87 and 91. I was still able to play competative hockey with my son and slo-pitch ball with both my son and daughter. I am only 26 years older than my son and 31 years older than my daughter and we have been able to enjoy each others company as they were growing up and now as adults. My wife and I and our kids went to Mexico on a holiday in March of 2010 and I think we had a better time with our kids than we would have if they were any younger than they were. Have your kids young and when they are grown and gone you are still young enough to enjoy any lifestyle you choose. I can't wait to be able to play hockey with my grandchildren.

    June 16, 2011 at 12:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • wiflash

      I'm a baby boomer and I agree. I had my children young. I not only enjoy my grandchildren, I also enjoy my great grandchildren. I am young enough to be able to roll in the dirt with my great grandchildren, run down the street with them, and play ball with them. Even though I am retired I am enjoying life. I know a couple, in their sixties, who have two children in high school. He had to retire for health reasons. He will never live long enough to see any grandchildren. His grandchildren will never know what kind of a grandfather they would have had if he had pulled his head out of his rectum long enough to think of the future. I see the sadness in his eyes every time I talk to him. He had wanted to see Europe at one time. I don't mention this anymore as he gets tears in his eyes. Real sad. BTW! I also keep a daily journal. That way my descendants will be able to read about me from my point of view. I will check this in two days and I bet there will be vitriol comments from the immature and brainless.

      June 16, 2011 at 22:26 | Report abuse |
  7. Skeptic

    does telling you "significant" other to go F@#$ themself qualify as a quickie?

    June 16, 2011 at 13:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. Scot

    Im a 23 year old and I've never been the type who has had the mentality that I need to nail a bunch of girls before I finally decide to settle down. Girls have come and gone, but I've always just wanted one.

    June 16, 2011 at 16:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. David

    A quickie and a kiss are two very different things. Ask any disappointed man.

    June 16, 2011 at 17:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. rossita

    To St. Peter:
    I admire you. Some people think that everybody must have children. Only responsible people should have children and if you have other interests good for you. I have a friend, who happens to be a teacher who never wanted to have children because like you, wants to enjoy other things in life.

    June 16, 2011 at 18:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • J.

      I agree. Some people are just not made to have kids and if they don't truly want them then they should not have them. Society can call me selfish if they want but why do I have to give up what I want in life to satisfy some social requirement.

      June 17, 2011 at 13:04 | Report abuse |
    • Tracy

      For those who tell me I am selfish for not wanting children, I suggest maybe they are selfish for wanting a child for the sake of passing on their blood line, producing little versions of themselves, many times with even the same name. That is so narcissistic!

      July 8, 2011 at 18:03 | Report abuse |
  11. Zelda

    Go to church this Sunday(Father's Day) with your family, get cured of obssession(any kind) and retrieve the healthy fatherhood.

    June 16, 2011 at 19:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. anon

    The more I hear and read about marriage and children, the more I realize it's not worth it. At least, not in America.

    June 16, 2011 at 19:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Holly

    Oh God, please change that picture...it just looks...awkward when all I saw was the art of the quickie...

    June 17, 2011 at 00:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. Mike

    The last time we had a Quickie was on the bathroom floor and my wife smacked her head on the toilet.

    June 17, 2011 at 00:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Mr. Fix it

    PLEASE DON'T READ THIS YOU WILL GET KISSED ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.HOWEVER IF YOU DON'T POST THIS COMMENT TO AT LEAST 3 POSTS YOU WILL DIE WITHIN 2 DAYS.NOW YOU STARTED READING THIS DON'T STOP THIS IS SO SCARY.SEND THIS OVER TO 5 POSTS IN 143 MINUTES.WHEN YOUR'E DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR ON THE SCREEN IN BIG LETTERS.THIS IS SO SCARY CAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS!!!!

    Read more: How to Have a Simultaneous Orgasm – How to Climax at the Same Time – Cosmopolitan

    June 30, 2011 at 13:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Ginger

    Unfortunately, they've all been quickies with my husband. That's why I had to interview 6 different companies before I picked my pool man.

    August 9, 2011 at 12:22 | Report abuse | Reply
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  18. Todd

    I can't wait to tell my wife about the X-rated dream I had last night about her best friend.

    December 23, 2011 at 01:00 | Report abuse | Reply

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Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.