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April 8th, 2011
12:56 PM ET
What you told us about women, infidelityIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
My intention was not to downplay the danger of male infidelity, or to unfairly demonize female infidelity, but rather to offer the observation that men and women frequently cheat for different reasons, and that by the time a woman has reached the point of infidelity she’s often emotionally vacated her primary relationship, making it all the harder to engage in a meaningful process of recovery. On that point, an important theme that came through loud and clear in the comments was that there is a pervasive double standard in society when it comes to infidelity in general, and that women are encouraged (via media and often by their female peers) to suck it up and stick it out, whereas men do not experience the same pressure to forgive and forget. Wrote one commenter: “I had a debate on this a couple of months ago and most of the men said a woman should not cheat, but that she should accept a man's cheating as normal. A few of the men said cheating was wrong for both parties and obviously, all of the women said cheating was wrong for both parties. Nearly all of the men said they would leave their woman if she cheated on them while nearly all of the women said they would give their man another chance.” This double standard ends up doing a lot of damage: Many women that would like to leave and probably should leave often end up staying, and conversely many men who would like to potentially stay and work it out cannot find an authentic support system, or a way of transcending the blow to their ego. Another persistent theme in the comments was the pain of infidelity, regardless of which sex is doing the cheating. Infidelity packs multiple blows: There's not only the trauma of the infidelity itself, but also the web of lies and deceit often perpetuated in the aftermath. Many, if not most, couples do choose to stay together post-infidelity, but that doesn’t mean that their relationship ever truly recovers. Infidelity cuts deep and leaves a scar (if you’re lucky); the alternate is an open wound that never heals. With infidelity, the couples who recover are not the ones who forgive and forget, but rather “forgive and remember,” and use that memory to stay committed to the process of transparency. In yesterday’s article I wrote “cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play” and throughout the explosion of comments it was truly invigorating to being reminded of the other side: Not everyone cheats “I am a woman who has never cheated and never will. I have more respect for myself than that. The one man who did cheat on me? I walked away from and never looked back. All woman (sic) don't cheat. Neither do all men.” Well said, and thank you everyone!
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I refuse to believe a human being can rationalize with themselves to the extent of deciding an action like cheating is wrong, then do it anyway. If you cheat it's because you want to. There is no abstract, poetic, or emotional battle when it comes to cheating, you can control yourself at all times. That being said I do not agree with most of the "crimes" people talk about when it comes to cheating. Being a coward is the only one that comes to mind. I was cheated on when I was in college to a person I was engaged to. It was very painful, but it was more confusing then anything else.
I couldn't stop asking myself why did this person cheat when I told them on more then one occasion that if they ever felt like straying, just leave me and do what makes you happy. Since then I realized I never truly understood marriage. With all its blessings and benefits the one thing people forget to mention is that there is no such thing as a successful marriage. I'm an atheist so god has nothing to do with my relationships, so what does a ring and a contract change about a relationship. The answer is nothing. So knowing that because of human fallibility more then half of these false declarations of faith end in failure its a mystery to me as to why so many people see it as a "good decision". I've been with the same person for the last 11 years. No marriage, we have 3 kids, both have jobs we enjoy. We're a team by choice, not by contract.
Those of you who try and justify your cheating experiences are cowards. You did not have the balls to end it with your meal ticket(what ever that expression means to you) before, and do not deserve a second chance. Victims, don't stay with this person for the sake of your children. You yourself were a child at one point too. Your job as a parent is to raise and love your children, your job as a human being is to search for happiness for the rest of your life.
As a man, a dad and a FORMER husband, yes the pain is horrific! What got me most was what her cheating did to our kids. Kids at a young age just want mom and dad together. an affair, and worse introducing that other cheating man to the kids makes the kids heads spin like nothing else. Yes i agree, she checked out years ago and i just did not see the signs, but damn, REALLY! Not once, twice, but three times as i found out later. And this is a woman who is suppossed to help instill proper values and morals in our kids? well thats a battle that will be fought for years to come. Ladies, gentlemen......JUST DONT DO IT! Its not worth it for anyone, not the wife, the husband and esspecially the kids. For those who do and did..well you can live with what you have done, oh and going to confession does not make all right in the universe!!!!!
true, its unfortunate that kids suffer the worst but when a man or woman is cheating all he/she is thinking is about SELF !! CHEATING IS SELFISH !!
Dear mazzo,
It is very clear how painful the infidelity and betrayal have affected you. I hope that eventually you find a place in your heart that allows some forgiveness. The way you choose to interact with the woman you loved so much, will inevitably have an impact upon your children (whether sons or daughters). I hope it hasn't left you to bitter or frightened to try love again... not all women and not all men cheat.
Would you consider adultery, no matter who is involved to be a form of child abuse?
Cheating is selfish...that's the point. The biggest mistake people make is putting others happiness before their own. Women tend to cheat because they are not happy at home, with their husband. Yes, breaking up a family unit is painful. But no one deserves to be stuck in a unhappy home. Should she cheat? No, of course not. But with women it normally develops slowly over time. The relationship grows and she trusts the other man. She sees him as a confidant to talk to, to vent to. Then one day....it happens. Sucks...but it happens.
@Tonya – you nailed it. It's about selfishness.
@Dave and @BldrRepublican – Dave is right, it's judiciousness, not luck, almost completely. As they say, you make your own luck. My parents and my wife's parents have both been married for over 4r years. We're just babes in the woods, having been married for only nine, but our marriage is completely solid. Better, in fact, then ever.
That doesn't mean there were not points on which we weren't as judicious as we might have been, chief among them the speed with which we got married and the fact that my wife was a strong agnostic, really more of an atheist, and I am a Catholic Christian. She has since converted (just recently) and we worked through any issues stemming from getting married 15 months after we first met. You could say there was some luck involved in that part, maybe, but mostly it was perseverance and love. The greatest point on which I was judicious: choosing someone who was and is completely open and honest in communication, no secrets, and who is 100% secure in her relationship and in herself.
@Rob (the one who has been married 27 years): that last part is so important because prior experience (glad I married in my late thirties so I had a lot of that) taught me that being in a relationship with a woman who is insecure is going to result in getting that kind of treatment all the time. I am 100% faithful, have never cheated and could not be induced by anyone to do so. Because of that, I simply cannot stomach being treated as untrustworthy without cause and will not take it. Thus, I made sure to choose someone who is secure and confident. I'm glad that hasn't undermined your marriage and you've stuck it out, congratulations. You're a man of toughness and integrity.
Why did your parents marry your wives parents?
It will happen in one way or another for both parties eventually. Why don't people embrace the idea of others at one point or another and get ok with it just as me and my wife have. I enjoy seeing her happy in more ways than one.
Agreed!
NO, it won't. Sorry, I just don't get it. I can NOT cheat – not when I love someone. And if for some reason you stop loving them, for heaven's sake, man-up and tell the FIRST, get out of the relationship and the do what you will. I'm tired of hearing people make excuses for cheaters. You give your WORD when you go into keep yourself only unto them. That's it. I'm sorry, but my word's my bond, as they say, and cheating is just out of the question – period. Drunk or not. And onc in an exclusived relationship, if my partner cheats on me – once – GOODBYE! It's happened to me before and never again – once is all it takes. No excuses, no explanations – just hit the door and don't come back! Geez, why can't people just GROW UP!
I agree. It's not cheating when there's an agreement for an open marriage. If people were more open and honest about what they wanted and needed, there would be much less pain in these marriages. However, it takes confident, self-assured people to allow your spouse to have relationships with other people. I always tell my husband that if he can find a better wife, he needs to go marry her. Until then, he's welcome to have relationships outside our marriage.
My best friend was married to a beautiful woman for 10 years and they had one child. He thought she was happy because he was happy. However, she suddenly asked him for a divorce and he was shocked. He asked her if there was another man and she denied it. However, he and I looked into it and found out that there was indeed another man and that a girlfriend of hers was assisting in the affair with the other man, who knew she was married but didn't care. When he confronted her with the information, she had no idea what to do. He had done so much for her. He went to her family for help in a reconciliation and her family sided with him and they were very upset at her. This only made her more upset and she started playing the games about not letting him see their son. He figured that if she no longer loved him and if he could no longer see his son, it was best to just not be around and committed suicide. As he put it in his note to friends and family, he was sacrificing his life to show his love for her by completing the vow of "till death do us part". It was such a shame. Worse of all, she didn't stay with the other man.
Wow. Some women truely worse than the devil. Hell is made for such women.
Ouch. Sounds like a couple I know. What I've learned from my male friends whose wives left them is that while the man was happily going along the women were planning their exit strategies down to the day and time of departure. Silly men act impulsively because some young hottie made them feel good for a night in Vegas. Women have already replaced the husband in their hearts and have replanned their lives by the time the men find out.
Wow, that sounds like an ex girlfriend of mine. I am thankful every day that I didn't end up marrying her, we had dated for a couple years and it had come to the point where I was thinking about that. During that ordeal a good friend said to me "When a woman says "I need space" she may not have ridden her new horse yet, but she's picked him out at the stable" and it was true. She fed me this line about how he was pursuing her and blah blah blah, but I stumbled across her instant messenger history (shared PC) and found out it was quite the opposite.
I hate to hear stories like this but i know it happens. i feel horrible for the child and think the woman should be prosecuted if at all possible. if you are unhappy in a relationship, do the right thing and be honest with your partner. have some respect.
Very sad that he wasn't thinking straight. He took his life and left his son with a selfish woman. She put herself first and I am sure will continue on her path. She wasn't worth it. Sorry for his son. His father was probably the better parent.
@Mike
Place your faith and trust in Jesus Christ. He is the only way to the Father in Heaven. Peace.
Maybe she left him because he was a suicidal nut-job.
No one can 'make' another commit suicide. To blame the woman/cheater in this case is unfair. The husband clearly had issues that would have caused the woman to stray in the first place. Suicide is the only cause of death where the victims are the ones that live on.
In no way am I justifying suicide. However, what my friend did was, in his mind, honorable. They had a Catholic marriage which is a sacrament. He took the vow seriously. To him it was not a joke nor a contract. He truly loved her. He put more than a one hundred percent effort at reconciling not only his marriage, but his family. He exhausted all options before he took his life. In his mind it was a sacrifice so that she could free of the vow, the sacrament and of him. In his mind, his son would also be better off because studies have proven that children are more traumatized by the separation and divorce of their parents than by the death of one of the parents. And his son understands that he will never ever see his dad again while, when his dad was alive, the little boy always asked for and hoped for a reconciliation. She wanted to experience life outside of marriage even though she was the one who asked for the marriage in the first place. He prevented her from becoming a "divorced woman" by making her a widow instead. Everyone who knew him was on his side with the exception of his death. This woman fell out of love with her husband. Let's see if some day she doesn't fall out of love with her son.
David, I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend. However, as a true Catholic, he should have known that suicide is the ultimate sin in God's eyes. I'm somewhat skeptical that sacrificing his own life so she wouldn't betray her vows was done out of nobility; I think he was trying to punish her. And undoubtedly, his suicide will ultimately do more damage to his child than her betrayal.
The wrong person died. That's all I can say about it without becoming vulgar.
There is clearly more than one side to this story. Anyone who would rationalize their suicide as being the best for all parties – when anyone can see clearly that it is simply the worst for all, particularly the child – is someone who would be difficult to be married to, I'm sure. I feel sorry for the woman who was probably just trying to find her happiness, and of course for the child. Hopefully she will have the strength to help and support him through the horrible thing his father has put him through.
Susan, I looked up the Roman Catholic vow. As it goes: I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. He did that. She didn't. As for happiness, she should have agreed to go to marriage counselling. Maybe she would have found out why she wasn't happy. Like I said, she didn't stay with the creep who she cheated on him with, and, the "friend" who assisted her with the affair isn't her friend anymore.
David: So how did she react to the suicide? Is she wearing black now?
Do you know if the suicide destroyed the woman's relationship with "the other man"?
As the spouse of a woman who cheated, I have to confirm the suggestion that this is a wound that will likely never heal. The first time it happened, I forgave her, and tried to work through it. Her apology and explanation gradually took on the form of justification. I had only ever been intimate with my wife, and the blow to my ego was such that within a year I had been hospitalized for an attempted suicide. This hospitalization was used by her to gain sole custody of our children and to move to another country. Since then, she has informed me that it was not a one-time event, and that in fact it continued, and involved more than just one other man. As a man, I can only speculate on how it must be for a female spouse, but as a male spouse, this is a wound that continues to keep me on the edge and likely will push me over again at some point. Please consider your spouse when doing this, because at some point and some level, infidelity is a choice that is made, and cannot be undone.
I was actually astonished by how much it hurt when it happened to me. If nothing else, it was a stark reminder whenever I've felt the urge to stray in other relationships.
Stay strong, brother. You're not alone.
Dear Tyler,
So sorry that she took your children away - as if it were some bizarre, justified form of punishment. There are always two sides to a story and yet, it makes me sad that you were hurt so badly by someone you obviously loved so dearly. The worst part would be if you let her steal the possibility of love - again.
She sounds like a mean vindictive person. I feel for your children and you. Grieve for the loss of your children but move forward and hopefully you will be able to find and trust another woman to share your life with. Someone that deserves your love. You are worth so much. Look forward with hope.
Hold your head up! Your life is worth so much more than an act that someone else committed.
ALL WOMEN FLIRT ALL WOMEN CHEAT PERIOD!!!!!!!! I have run into plenty of women that say they are on vaction with their girlfriends and just want a one night stand and have been married for years...marriage is not what it use to be...give her an inch and she will take a mile..thats why im never getting married..i love going home to be alone and have piece of mind..and on the weekends i love sleeping with eveyone elses wives cause she will never say she wants a relationship..ship her back home to her HUBBY...THATS WHY I WILL ONLY SLEEP WITH MARRIED WOMEN...
Only fools who think sins come labelled "for Free"!
and you feel you are doing the right thing ??
Thanks for being an accomplice. Just remember Karma. It has a way of catching up with you. It might be a very angry husband or it might be a moralistic boss who makes you suffer for your failure to live up to his or her standards. But it will happen. And you will know why.
you bet i am..
Marriage is not what it used to be because of people like you! You are contributing to the problem. Grow up!
CHRIS–I didnt create this problem and i will not stop it...i love it..who gets married anymore whe the divorce rate is at 50 percent..i rather bet on red or black at the casino..getting married just gives her half of everything..can you image her taking your house you worked hard for and kicking you to the curb and another man sleeping on your bed....man its an ugly sight..ive been to plenty of womens houses that just kicked out the husband..i loved it because he pays the mortgage and i sleepin his bed..some men are just plain stupid...
I never have cheated and I never will. Period!!!
no, not all women cheat. I've been with my partner for 7 years now and never cheated. the opportunities were there and my body wanted it so badly, but no, it never happened. I haven't kissed another man, other than my partner in more than 7 years, before him. so, no, not all women cheat. I don't know what the future holds, but so far, I haven't cheated.
SARAH- to good old saying is NEVER SAY NEVER
I know a lot of women who cheated, and I know a lot of woman who have been cheated on, and I know a lot of women who are happy to be single and not deal with relationships at all. I would probably rip some ears off if I found out I was being cheated on, but since we haven't really been apart for the past three and a half years it's kind of hard for either of us to get 'tempted'. But not everyone can enjoy spending every waking and sleeping moment with their loved one like we do, so I really don't know what to say except, either you trust them, or you don't.
I feel such hurt in your post; hurt and anger. Partners, both men and women, have such capacity to inflict pain on each other. I wonder if to paint all women with such a broad brush, in and of itself, is serving to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in your life. Not all women cheat; some of us have been emotionally abandoned in marriage, cheated on and treated like "crap", but have chosen the higher road. Finding inner strength to become the best woman and mother....pursing an education..becoming whole, confident and independent. I CHOOSE integrity; I CHOOSE whom I love: I CHOOSE how I will be treated in a relationship: I SETTLE for nothing less. I did not cheat...I got real with who I was and the reasons why I was in the relationship that resulted in my feeling abandoned and unloved. Choose wisely mickey1978....don't recreate the pain of your past by choosing women who reinforce the vision of whoever she was that hurt you; you deserve to be loved by a woman with integrity...she's out there....you just need to decide to find her. Settle for nothing less....
Just to let you know, if I find out who you are, I will make your life miserable, as I did with the Don Juan who hit on my best friend's wife. I spent thousands of Dollars looking into his past and have found out it wasn't very honest. He is now in all sorts of legal trouble. To this day, I have to restrain myself from physically hurting him. Your day will eventually come. Just think of your mother cheating on your father when you are a six year old boy.
Wow, David. You spent thousands of dollars stalking a guy who hit on your best friend's wife? Not even YOUR wife?
You truly have NO life. That's really sad. Psycho stalker.
Generalizing either gender by its entirety is ignorant. Maybe all the women you know cheat because you are attracted to those with little self-respect and no respect for others.
Amy, I've obviously pushed one of your buttons. You must be a cheater yourself. He and I were friends since kindergarten. That was a 40 year plus friendship. Plus, I make enough money to afford what I did. As for the "psycho" reference, it's as if you were murdered and none of your friends and family put forth any effort or expense to find the person who killed you. I have a feeling your friends and family wouldn't even care.
I tried posting... lets try again testing one two
What a lovely lady you are... nice how you mention yourself, your children and then your husband in that order. Of all the words you typed those are the most telling. YOU put yourself first. Spin it any way you want to but what you are doing is immoral and selfish. If you truly loved your husband you would tell him about the needs that are not being met and give him the opportunity to work on it. You're right, we don't know you... and I would guess most of us are happy about that. As for your children loving you no matter what, well I suppose they may but respect is something totally different and that must be earned. Hey -maybe your father respects you! After all, you seem to be proud to be a chip off the old block.
The Bible tells us to treat adultery the same as the Sharia laws: Stone them to death. Leviticus 20:10
That harsh judgement was meant to completely discourage people from infidality, rather they shoudl think of correct measures for happiness even if divorce is one of them.
Sure, but according to religious folks, it's ok to pick and choose the parts of the Bible that suit them.
If you Bible bashers want to teach people about the Bible, LEARN about it first. You just look silly. Notice how anti-Christians only quote the Old Testament? Now THAT'S picking and choosing. Geniuses.
Religion rots your brain. Move to Iran, I hear they still stone people. Afganistan may take you too.
Aaron, why would you even trust a "God" who has to create a "New Testament" to fix the mistakes he made in the "Old Testament"? If you talk about people only quoting the Old Testament, are you ADMITTING the Old Testament is incorrect or wrong? Hmm. And I thought "God" was supposedly "perfect".
So Mike, you're saying that Christians don't cheat on their spouces??? What a bunch of nonsense!!!! Get out of your make believe world of religion and come to reality.
Listen to you people! You're all throwing metaphorical stones at each other right now. I wish your parents had been sterile, because you shouldn't have been allowed to happen. Your pathetic excuse for discourse absolutely disgusts me, and I wish that God and/or science would bestow the secret upon the rest of us as to how to get you out of the gene pool before it's too late. Yes, I realize that now I'm throwing metaphorical stones too, and I'm pointing it out myself before one of you terminally ignorant sacks of cellulite tries to be clever and hijack the point. I'm stepping down to your level to point out that you are all equally guilty of being woefully inadequate human beings who have nothing better to do than needle each other from behind the safety of a computer monitor. The world is headed down the tubes because of lazy travesties like you who can't/won't evolve. Does this make me sound like an egotistical jerk? Yes, undoubtedly. Do I care? No, not any more–the message needed to be relayed at all costs. I'm willing to be vilified for my perspective as long as it'll get you to freaking wake up for more than like three seconds at a stretch.
James: "Sure, but according to religious folks, it's ok to pick and choose the parts of the Bible that suit them." – Erm, I think nonreligious folks do that even more, but understandably so (for instance the Bible has incorrect statements about biology)
there are more women cheating then men by far..99 percent of the women cant keep thier legs closed..for all you men who think your wife is just working late THINK AGAIN..for all you senseless men who are married that think their wives are on vacations with their girl friends..YOU ARE STUPID..she will cheat on you in a heartbeat if she knows she will not get caught..do you really think a woman can work next to a guy all day long for many years and not screw him then YOU ARE ON ANOTHER PLANET...i bet my life if your wife took a lie detector test you would be shocked!!!! just ask her and if she flips out then you know 100 percent that her legs are open like 7-11....
What's the source on that statistic?
sociopath
you are so wrong. if you think that way, maybe it's because you cheat
You are a delusional slime bag. It's no wonder all you can get is trash like yourself.
Nut job.
Mickey, maybe, just maybe you are the problem if you've been cheated on by 99% of all the women your dated.
Been married for 15 years and never cheated. Gone on girl weekends, no one has cheated. Travel frequently for work, never cheated. Oh, and I'm in shape and fairly attractive so don't go there...
not saying cheating doesn't happen but you're unusually negative and you've lost your mind.
I would not have agreed at one time, but I think I am coming around on this. The world is changing.
I'm the same woman who posted up the first comment to this article. Mickey you are so incredibly wrong. You are basically hanging out with the wrong crowd of people and extrapolating that everyone is like this. My husband is exactly like you. He came from the wrong crowd before he met me. I was raised much more strictly. he's accused me for years of cheating. I gave him an ultimatum two years ago. Give me a lie detector test, or I'm leaving. He also wanted TIME... TIME to figure out which lie detector test to give me... because he's so messed up in the head he thinks that I'm going to be in cahoots with the lie detector test people... so I even am giving him FIVE years... the clock is ticking... on psychos like him... and you. I still love him despite all the hellish torture he's put me through. Yes, I'm probably not right in the head either for being able to take it. You need to start looking for moral women. And start thinking more positively. You get what you give.
mickey1978: Your grandpa called. He's having a lemonparty and he wants you to assist
Any person who says, "I will never cheat" is completely oblivious to the curve balls that life can throw and probably hasn't been married very long. Just 3 years ago I was in that same category... the "I will never cheat" category. A series of unfortunate events put me in a situation where it happened, and it CAN happen to you. Unless you walk on water, which I'm pretty sure you don't, sin will always be around the next corner. I've been married for 13 years and we have worked through my infidelity, but it happened. If you are married long enough, and you don't look like a troll.... there will come a time when you aren't all that happy with your marriage, and another opportunity will present itself. Be strong folks... I learned my leason the hard way.
Ahem. It did not "happen" like rainfall or tree falling in the woods. You made a conscious decision to do wrong. If you can't use the first person pronoun and active voice you have not really owned up to it.
Yep, there are some situations where it can take some *serious* self control. Admittedly the only way I've avoided ever cheating is by not going to events where I'm likely to end up in that situation. If there's a nice tasty cookie sitting on a plate and nobody is around to tell you not to eat it, chances are it won't last long.
I totally agree, There's a "crush hormone" in most of us well to old ages. Just don't let it crush you and your marriage.
Its a good thing that I look like a troll. I never have to worry about temptation.
"A series of unfortunate events." I agree that you're not truly owning up to it. You're wrong in that it can happen to anyone. There are people who truly will never cheat. Maybe the key is to recognize quickly that your marriage is having problems and address them. Learn to avoid being in denial. I know it's not easy, but no one (man nor woman) should be making excuses for cheating.
I am currently going through this paingful process. My wife has cheated on me multiple times now...and I am trying to put the pieces back together. Most tell me I should walk away. However, I love her...even now. My love does not hold conditions. The pain follows me every moment of every day...I have talked to her, and we are now in counseling. I dont know if we will survive this honestly...I do forgive her, but she is at this time unable to forgive herself, and unable to emotionally reconnect with me at this time. I am still faithful despite this, and my path isnt for every one. My advice to women who think cheating is the answer...please think of the person whom you are destroyng first. I have never loved anyone more than this woman...I have devoted years to building her up as a person...she is my family...my heart. Her act has utterly destroyed me inside. No one deserves that in my opinion. To any of you going through this as well...find strength where you can.
No one can tell you what to do but you might want to re-read what you've written: Your wife cannot reconnect to you emotionally. When I caught my wife I told her to get out and I called the Real Estate agent and the divorce lawyer. She broke down and spent two days in bed crying. Then she begged me to try couples therapy while she also went to individual therapy. And (as far as I can tell) she put her body, mind and soul into reconnecting with me. If your wife is not willing to put in the honest, hard work to do that then . . . But you already know the answer.
CORBETT–what planet are you on.....she cheated on you more than once and your still with her..she will do it again..i dont care how much counseling you go to..it has been over..WAKE UP...if she opened her legs to someone else she must not love you that much..and then she did it again..i bet she said it just happened..what a joke..
Get out. Run as fast as you can and don`t trust anyone. Take my word I`v been and done that. Peace brotha:)
Hey Corbett...first off...I didn't cheat! But I did feel abandoned in my marriage and wished for a more fulfilling relationship...I chose to ask for a divorce first! But my ex-husband, to this day, professes his "love". I felt alone...he'd leave for work at 6am, work out at noon with his female best friend and then take her for lunch daily. He'd go to the gym after work, and complain when he got home at 7pm that that his dinner was cold and the dishes were not cleared..while I was frantically helping the kids with their homework, trying to catch up on my own work. When I left a high paying job (twice his salary), to take an academic position at 1/2 the pay (equivalent to his), he insisted on splitting our finances: his own credit card and bank account. Our vacations were at his discretion, he had no interest in any activities that I wished to engage in....but he "loved" me. I'm stilled puzzled by this notion of "love"....a feeling that did not seem to translate into a "wanting" or, perhaps, a "knowing" how to love his spouse in the way that she (me) need to be loved. I take full responsibility for my role in our marital breakdown...my former spouse cannot "see" how inequitable our relationship was...only a feeling that he "loves" me. I loved my husband completely; I stayed in a lonely marriage for years. I tried to communicate/negotiate a relationship that would be more fulfilling for me as his partner, but to no avail. He is a lovely man...but I see him as a selfish man. But I do hope that he can find the courage to reflect on our marriage and/or find happiness with someone with whom his lifestyle is more compatible. And finally (oh gosh I'm going to wax philosophical)...sometimes the end of a relationship, turns out to be the gift that you didn't know that you wanted...in letting go, you may find the person who returns the love, loyalty and devotion that you truly deserve. Hugs and best of luck, D
I feel your pain. It's no joke, I've been there. But really.......time to go.
You're being a pathetic doormat.
The hardest woman to pick up is one that is happily married. If a woman strays there is a reason... Maybe not a good one but a reason non the less. Try counceling before throwing in the towel.
JIMBOOB–i have to disagree with you...are women ever happily married??? NO WAY..if you think you are then check again..they always want something different or want to feel young again..just put the right guy in the room alone with any happily married woman and you will see how fast she spreads them legs
this is why there will be more women in hell then men...because they cant keep them legs closed!!!
WOW, why don't you get off your computer and get an education!! You seem to be lacking intelligence.
seriously mickey, get a life. your rants are just pathetic.
Because some man is always out there promising and not delivering. Ignorance is bliss.
Cuckolded- I've owned up to what I did and made the changes I needed to.... and pronouns had nothing to do with it. lol
I was really just making the point that those people who think they are too strong to ever cheat on their spouse... are simply wrong. I used to feel that way, and things happened that weakened me emotionally over time. Then the beautiful woman comes along and throws herself at me.... and I cracked. I'm just giving a warning so people don't let their guard down like I did.
Nothing hotter then a hot chick at work who hates her hubby and flirts...so much more fun. ;o) I joke. I joke.
I SECOND THAT!!!!!!!!!LOL
I think the reason MOST women would give their man a second chance is that in many relationships the man brings home most of the money. This is mostly true for lower income families that you see on COPS on TV. The women stay because they have nowhere else to go.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years married for 17, we are both attractive and successful, it's not hard to say no to temptation. Most days I get checked out, flirted with or hit on. Many women do. When a young gorgeous guy who smells divine is hitting on me, I'm not thinking about "my emotions" or trading up", trust me. My husband probably deals with the same thing with women, we just go home hug each other and take a cold shower. Like I said earlier, men and women cheat for the same reasons, they are feeling bad about themselves and have low self esteem. Confident happy people aren't going to mess up the entire life for a hook up.
You're probably ugly
Yup hideous.
BEWARE–IF YOUR WIFE HAS AN ITCH SHE WILL FIND THE NEAREST GUY TO SCRATCH IT....thats is a proven fact by many great scholars..i can prove it..
I bet in reality you are probably a virgin.
SARAH–You think im a nut job..what im sayingis totally true...if you think your man wont double cross you then you are in another world..any every woman get that itch and your no different
"getting that itch" is one thing. Acting on it is another. Most people are evolved enough to know that it is never worth it. If you are unhappy in your relationship, you work it out or you break up instead of cheating.
Its true, I niglected my guy and he slept with my BF while I was out of town. He left me for her and now I'm all alone because I didn't care to give him what he wanted.
To start, this is my real name, I am not going to hide behind some fake name, as I want you all to know who it is saying this to you. i am a 27 yr old man, I have cheated, and have been cheated on. I have covered the spectrum of this, and come from a family that ended due to cheating. You see my mother cheated on my father, and at the age of 8, my little mind figured it out. For years they told me they loved each other, and all the usual crap, and my mom and dad tried to cover up the problems they were having, but it was incredibly obvious. Let me inform you of what happens to a child when he figures it out. Well, I am a mama's boy, but that does not stop me from saying this; my mother is a w-hore. Plain and simple. She cheated on my father, attempted to cover it up, and rather then "growing a pair" she lied. If she would have just been honest with herself, her future husband, and my father, we could ALL have found a little bit more peace. ANYONE, man, women, ape, alien, etc that thinks that it's not selfish to cheat on someone is a complete moron. Let me explain something to you, if you are getting something out of it, at the expense of someone else, that's being selfiish. Now I get it, you don't think they know. let me clue you in, we know, men and women both. Deep down, in the furthest reaches of our guts, we know. We may deny,deny, deny, but we know. believe me. You ever heard someone say, "I just had this feeling"?...that's because they knew, just didn't want to face facts.
As for Pinochio, or whatever her name was. You think that your cheating is "saving your marriage", fine. But let me tell you, from the kids perspective, they know too. You may think they don't, and it may take them years to figure it all out, but they do, and they will. When they do, they will look at you with those same eyes, and smiles, and you will never know that deep down, bellow that love and fake charity, they hate you. for they know that you are everything you ever told them not to be, a smiling lying hypocrite. You are nothing more then the face of the devil itself. mother is the name of god on the lips of all children. What do you think happens when they find out that there god is no better then a liar? Think about that. And to think, I am not even religious. You people disgust me.
You want your cake, and you want to eat it too. Fine. Do it. But please, do us all a favor, and when it blows up in your face (and it will), don't come crying about it, you brought this upon yourself. Don't blame the man/women, don't play the blame game, and most of all, if you find out they were cheating too, don't think for a second, that it excuses what you have done. In that case, you are both wrong, and there is no better man. Hell, in that case, stay together, in a room, with no air, and do us all a favor, and don't attempt to infuence anyone else. Maybe if we did that, we could cull out the eveolutinarily weak.
im going back to the ASHELY MADISON website...where i belong...you senseless guys are sick..who cares how your wife opened her legs..tell her to call me..im the doctor..lol..lol..boy do i love nurses..
Hey, Branson, youre real passionate about the cheating thing. If you have screwed more than two people in your life, I dont think it is fair of you to call your mother a wh–e. I do not. My ex hubby "cheated" on me and in no way do I want my boys to think of their dad that way. His feelings changed, he wanted/ needed to move on. So be it. I also dont view the concept of being "cheated on" as cheating. The party merely CHEATS the partner of themselves and the cheater cheats his/ her way right out of the others love/ life.
I think you summed up divorce/ cheating thru a childs eyes WONDERFULLY ! One day I heard my 13 yr. old son say to my ex: "dad, u didnt just cheat on mom, you cheated on the WHOLE FAMILY!" Blew me away. ; ) I had to go into damage control mode and forget about my feelings to help the kids.
Thanks for your courage and sincerity, Branson. For you to have gone through what you did with your own parents and to carry that with you for the rest of your life through your own relationships...I can't imagine that angst you feel upon any/every relationship you see forming with a woman. It's as if you didn't even have a chance from the very initial time you began learning about relationships and loyalty. I'm thankful that my parents never fell into that kind of hell; they've been married for 52 years and I can never be appreciative enough. However, as I briefly wrote in my earlier comment on here, I entered my one and only marriage in '96 just asking for failure. She was in her first marriage; I was with a very devoted girlfriend. I let my beliefs fall by the wayside and this married woman and I began an intense affair that led to her divorcing her 1st husband and me leaving my girlfriend. Our marriage only lasted 4 years as she simply got tired of being a devoted wife to me (sort of like what she did to her first husband) and asked me for a divorce...even after she was the one who pressed getting married in the first place. I was devastated for a couple years...even as flawed as our marriage was from the start. And to this day, 12 years after our divorce, I'm still privately bitter for her walking away after the sacrifice I made and the expectations I had for us...all after realizing that I made a bad decision in the first place for ever falling for her. What sense does that make??? Therefore, looking back, our divorce was obviously inevitable...just as every relationship that comes from cheating becomes. My belief in a loving marriage for life is thankfully still in place even though I made the mistake to enter into a flawed marriage from the start. Several years ago, I heard through a friend of a friend that my ex-wife had already made it through her 3rd marriage, spitting out a third victim. Hearing this even further assured me that she was definitely flawed (although I completely acknowledge that I knowingly entered a relationship that I never should have with her already being married...and for that, I still experience extreme guilt).
The point being...no matter how much any of you reading this attempt to rationalize your relationship that came about from one or both of you cheating, it will never ever work, period. Your hearts can never be fooled, no matter how much you want and need it to work. Your conscience overrules everything...and it will eat you alive. Two true hearts in true love are the things that bring true happiness and fulfillment for a lifetime. Anything less (a relationship brought about from unfaithfulness) is dead in the water, period. Branson...although we come from different situations, it still involves cheating. May we overcome this calamity and learn to stay true to a heart who is likewise true to us. Hang in there, brother...love is out there for all of us, no matter how scared we may be.
To Teresa, Ohio: Although I respect your feelings and opinions on Branson's story, I am conflicted on how you feel your children should regard their father after he cheated on you, their mother. How did YOU feel when your now-ex cheated on you? That's what your children are carrying...the same feeling that you felt upon learning of your ex's unfaithfulness. You may have rationalized and healed from his actions, but kids are different...much different. They don't know how to heal and rationalize until much much later...if ever. They only know that their father hurt their mom and the family. Your ex-husband not only cheated on you, he cheated on your children. And, the notion that your ex merely cheated himself out of a relationship with you tells me and everyone else that you simply haven't dealt with this emotional trauma...unless you never really loved him in the first place. He didn't cheat himself out of you; he could have cared less about you or else he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. I'm so sorry for what your ex-husband did to you and your kids. His actions deserve nothing more than minimal legal contact between you, your kids, and him. And sadly, your children will grow up with the intention and inclination to do to their spouses what their father did to you...unless they do a lot of soul-searching and forgiving later in their lives. I wish you and your kids the best...and to heck with your ex-husband.
You just discredited your entire post by saying you have cheated. Sorry.
So you call your mother a wh0re for cheating, and yet you yourself said you have cheated. What does that make you?
I agree with this article a lot. it takes a lot for a woman to cheat. if women want to cheat is because their partner is not treating them right and they are very unhappy. I never cheated. been with my partner for more than 7 years and have never kissed another man during this time, other than him. Trust me, the thought of cheating came to my mind a few times, and I came close to wanting to actually do it, but it just didn't happen. I tell myself I wouldn't even know what to do if the opportunity came. Even if I want to, I don't know how to kiss another man, other than my partner.
Wow, talk about the lack of personal responsibility! You already are justifying your future cheating! And be honest, the cheating didn't happen because the guy you had the hots for didn't follow through. Maybe he had a pang of conscience. Here something to think about agirl: You break up the relationship if you are unhappy and can't seem to find a way to work out why that is and love your man again. You don't cheat, period. Even if "the woman is unhappy". I am AMAZED at the legions of immature and hypocritical women-children out there that justify their HORRIFIC behavior by acting as if it is their husband/boyfriend's fault.
You are a bunch of babies. Work out your issues, stop thinking life is all about you and what you can get (princess complex) and live by some principles. Women cheat for many reasons, none of them acceptable, but acting like it's the man's fault because he "didn't make you happy" is pathetic. Disgusting and pathetic.
Good day.
@you are scary, you are totally nuts! out of your mind! your reasoning is wacky I can't even bother with you. what you replied to my post makes no sense to me and has nothing to do with my post. go see a shrink man, you have a lot of anger borderline insanity.
I've been married twice. My first husband died just after our 9th anniversary; and I divorced my second after 2 years and I found out he'd been cheating. Quite honestly, the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain was worse with my second husband. Don't get me wrong, I loved my first husband, and still grieve for him to this day, but to have a husband that knowingly causes pain and leaves the relationship, if not physically, at least emotionally...is in my eyes more horrible. He chose to make me feel the pain.
It's easy for a woman to cheat. All she has to say is yes or no. A man has to find someone.
Way more women cheat then men. I see it all the time in my profession. If a man cheats he loses his children, his home, half his paycheck/pension and likely can't afford to support himself with what's left. He gets no tax write off, no sympathy, no food stamps and no support groups. A divorvced man works like a dog. A divorced woman is manicured, pedicured, tan, and well travelled.
I am not sure what you profession is, but you are obviously not familiar with the legions of women trying to get their former husbands and boyfriends to pay child support. Family courts are clogged and there are entire divisons within state government devoted to to tracking down these men- all at taxpayer expense.
Bronzed women collecting their alimony between trips abroad? Give me a break. You must be an art dealer, a Porsche salesman, or the like.
Women have become just as big of "dogs" as men have with regard to infidelity. In fact, I know of far more women who either physically or emotionally cheat on their husbands or boyfriends more than I do guys doing the same thing.
Maybe your guy friends just dont talk about it or you dont know it?
Women (as a whole) finally got sick of sitting home taking care of the kids while their husbands were sleeping around. Men are reaping what their fathers have sown. It's a shame, but it's the truth. Unfortunately, a lot of men are now paying for the sins of their fathers.
let me explain cheating to you people in one simple little saying, EVERY ACTION HAS A POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE REACTION. Let me re-instate that, just in case it was missed, EVERY ACTION HAS A POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE REACTION. That's not a verse from some holy book, that's not some quote from a self help guru, that is physics. But, none the less, equally true here. You think that you will never get caught, you think that it will all work out well. just remember what I ahve said above. no matter what you do, it will come back to you in some way, and I am not talking spiritually. I am talking reality. It will come out, wether to your spouse, your children, or to a friend, or even a friend of a friend, it will come out. At some point they will know. chances are though, they already do.
PISTACHIO - AND OTHER FEMALE CHEATERS
What happens when or if you accidently become pregnant ? Do you tell hubby, get an abortion, get a divorce, or let hubby raise the child, thinking he is the father?
Woman who is for infidelity is a true witch, destroying everything in her path. Proverbs.
i dot get how that your child being that way could be the result from your wife cheating
The article and many of the posts all seem to have an element of truth. I've cheated, more than once, on a good and stable man. I was in my 50's the first time, and the second time I thought I had met my match, who turned out to be a maniac. My husband and I had simply gotten bored with each other, and my job involved a lot of travel under stressful conditions. It was bound to happen, although I swore it never would. We are working on things, and I am trying to realize that sometimes contentment needs to replace passion. I do live with regret everday, and I know my grown children must know at some level which has slightly aliented me from my kids. I believe we will heal or maybe we won't. It happens, to good people, no matter if you are the one cheated on, the cheater, or the lover. Keep an open mind and remember what is important in your life, then move on. No one stays the same.
My wife cheated on me and now my kid is full mongloid. She would of been normal but my wife thought it was ok to get banged up everytime there was party at the frat house. Now the kids at school call her mongloid Mellisa. This is what happens when your wife decides to stay open like 7-11.
I was married for 23 years and my husband cheated on me every year of those 23 years and multiple times with multiple women; one for 15 years. I stood by him for 20-21 of those years never getting involved with anyone else. Just hoping and praying that one day he would stop and be the man I thought I married. It never happened. I eventually "checked out" mentally and physically. I couldn't stand for him to touch me because of his infidelity. Yes, the double standard caught up with me. I had a brief encounter with someone I knew from my 20's (I am now 60). It started out plutonic, just someone to talk to. Of course I regret it; I only did it to get back at him. My husband filed for a divorce.
We made several attempt to reconcile but he could not get over my one indescretion. To him, it was unforgiveable. So here I am starting my life over again. I have no doubt, I will get through this.
Typical. Men cheat and cheat and cheat. Then when the woman does it once after getting fed up, he can't take it. The double standard is ridiculous.
We are all inherent cheaters some people just have more opportunities than others
I find that less men cheat these days than woman...or at least not as many men are open about it. Why is that? It's simple...women are supportive of other women who cheat, much more so than men. Because of people's preconceived notions their first instinct would be to think I've got it backwards, but you really need to think about this. Women are "trained" that "all men are dogs" so if their female friend is cheating that must mean her husband/boyfriend "deserved it". Now I'm sure that's not always the case, but I think that's a big part of the reason why women support their cheating friends. I also see that a lot of woman don't have what I would consider "real friends"...those people who will tell you the truth/what you need to hear whether you like it or not. And women who do cheat and have those "real friends" keep it from them...they only share with the "yes men" who will validate their horrible behavior.
darn site not posting my comments. Guess my thoughts arent judgmental enough
trying again
I forgot to state now that I am single you know who hits on me? All married men! It is unreal at times.
love me some milf in the morin boy!
The answer of all this mess is JESUS. Come to him He will give you rest.
he will give you mongloid children.
I was cheated on over and over by "my first". It left a lasting impression, to say the least.
I have to agree with all of Mickey's posts... I've been married, divorced, cheated several times in several different relationships and only recently started cheating and persuing married women myself... I had NO IDEA how easy it was to bed a married chick. Drunk or not.
"chick"...Heres real winner.
The reason we have arranged marriages in India is to fit people of the same social and educational and religious backgrounds together. We do what our elders suggest, we have respect for their opinions and our traditions. But mostly, we have respect for ourselves, and that is what keeps people believing in themselves, their familiy and their faith. It is maturity at the highest level, just GROW UP, except your responsiblities and
live a full complete happy life!!
Me and my wife have been married for almost 21 years and have a 5 year old girl. Cheating is clearly a self centered act. I have never cheated on my wife and to my knowledge she has"nt either. You can"t put yourself in a position to be tempted to commit such an act to begin with. The wedding vows aren"t taken serious enough. I think their should be criminal consequenses in infidelity especially if it leads to divorce. I believe this would make untrustworthy people think twice about marrying to begin with.
I am married to a great guy (17 years) with three great kids. We have had our ups and downs, including financial stress, infertility, extended family problems (we are both dems and he works for a union, family are repubs), and then we had three kids in two years, including extremely premature twins, and moved 500 miles from home for a job. We are best friends, which also means "window shopping" on both our parts, but no cheating as such. We have always been honest with each other about problems, and are 85% happy. So, I guess this qualifies as a successful marriage. My point, however is that this article brings out the importance of not stigmatizing all cheating. If you are "surprised" by your spouse's infidelity, then you weren't paying attention in the first place. End an unsuccessful marriage. And stop acting like someone died if you get a divorce. Grow up. The children will take their cues from their parents. If you say "divorce is sad, but we love you and we wish each other well", the kids will learn from that. It also will get you through custody/visitation issues much more smoothly.
I think it's probably true that by the time a woman cheats, she has emotionally left the marriage...and the signs were all there – but men do not see them – even IF you tell them, over and over. Men find it hard, I believe, to relate and respond to a woman's emotional needs (and they are real), so they ignore and just go on as "normal"...Women either leave, cheat (not the answer), or just stay and become detached and learn to live without the nurturing and emtional bonds – sad but sometimes it's the best way.
This is one of the most insightful replies on here and unfortunately, it will probably be passed over and will miss the minds of many.
I can totally relate to this comment. This totally sums up my 12 year experience with my husband. The crazy thing is I have told him on many occassions how unhappy I am, but nothing ever changed. Just recently I told him that I am no longer "in Love" with him. This seem to put a spark in him and he seems to be trying very hard to hold us together. I don't want to divorce, but I have to say that I have been emotionally divorced for years.
Severe betrayal inflicts harm forever. There is no forgiveness, no such thing. When you finally admit to yourself that the reason you have ripped every relationship afterwards, you realize that there is permanent damage and you're not a candidate to ever have a successfull relationship going forward. I'm at 33 years now that I have managed to destroy every "maybe" relationship and just don't think anyone else should be the subject of my dismissal. And I"m okay with not causing any pain to someone else.
I have no desire to cheat on my husband. He is wonderful and extremely satisfying in bed. I think cheating is selfish and cowardly. If you don't want to be true to the one you love, be honest enough to leave them BEFORE you start having other relationships. Not all women cheat. Not all men cheat.
exellent article. i endured cheating , divorce then remarriage to the same woman for another 15 years , then cheating again. divorced again. i loved her as best i could during the 15 years but never trusted her again. i see why, hahaha
I agree that there is and always has been a double standard regarding infidelity. Men are of the belief that it is their right just by virtue of being a man. It is only wrong when a woman does it. Worst, a woman cannot and will not be forgiven. On the other hand, women are EXPECTED to not only forgive, but also forget and never mention it again. I say, in this age of AIDS, syphillis, herpes, etc, etc., whoever cheats has total disregard for the health or life of their partner and does not deserve to be forgiven. Get rid of the bum be it male or female.
The bottom line is this: when a man cheats, it's boys being boys. When a woman cheats, the man views his 'property' as used by another. That's why it 'hurts' so much.....his ego cannot handle that his property was used by another man. I doubt it hurts emotionally, as in hurts the heart. It hurts the ego, that is all.