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April 8th, 2011
12:56 PM ET
What you told us about women, infidelityIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
My intention was not to downplay the danger of male infidelity, or to unfairly demonize female infidelity, but rather to offer the observation that men and women frequently cheat for different reasons, and that by the time a woman has reached the point of infidelity she’s often emotionally vacated her primary relationship, making it all the harder to engage in a meaningful process of recovery. On that point, an important theme that came through loud and clear in the comments was that there is a pervasive double standard in society when it comes to infidelity in general, and that women are encouraged (via media and often by their female peers) to suck it up and stick it out, whereas men do not experience the same pressure to forgive and forget. Wrote one commenter: “I had a debate on this a couple of months ago and most of the men said a woman should not cheat, but that she should accept a man's cheating as normal. A few of the men said cheating was wrong for both parties and obviously, all of the women said cheating was wrong for both parties. Nearly all of the men said they would leave their woman if she cheated on them while nearly all of the women said they would give their man another chance.” This double standard ends up doing a lot of damage: Many women that would like to leave and probably should leave often end up staying, and conversely many men who would like to potentially stay and work it out cannot find an authentic support system, or a way of transcending the blow to their ego. Another persistent theme in the comments was the pain of infidelity, regardless of which sex is doing the cheating. Infidelity packs multiple blows: There's not only the trauma of the infidelity itself, but also the web of lies and deceit often perpetuated in the aftermath. Many, if not most, couples do choose to stay together post-infidelity, but that doesn’t mean that their relationship ever truly recovers. Infidelity cuts deep and leaves a scar (if you’re lucky); the alternate is an open wound that never heals. With infidelity, the couples who recover are not the ones who forgive and forget, but rather “forgive and remember,” and use that memory to stay committed to the process of transparency. In yesterday’s article I wrote “cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play” and throughout the explosion of comments it was truly invigorating to being reminded of the other side: Not everyone cheats “I am a woman who has never cheated and never will. I have more respect for myself than that. The one man who did cheat on me? I walked away from and never looked back. All woman (sic) don't cheat. Neither do all men.” Well said, and thank you everyone!
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Cheating is wrong. Period. If you want to sleep w other people grow a pair and leave who you're with so you don't cheat on them, even if it hurts leaving them. Imagine the pain they'll feel if you cheat. If you commit to someone then you should keep your word and your d*ck in your pants or your legs closed. Again, if you get the itch to see if the grass is greener on the other side : end the relationship you're in so you can do so w/out a guilty conscience. I dont understand why ppl cheat. Idiots. Why go behind someones back when you can just end things and do whatever you want? Personally I think sleeping around is disgusting. What if I cheated and got and std and then gave it to my hubby all because I wanted to feel good or 'young again' for one night? And before you start saying 'use a condom'....condoms dont protect you against hpv. Which can cause cancer. Sorry, no one is worth that. I'll remain faithful to my hubby and drop him like a hot potato if he ever cheats.
Agree
My parents have been married for 60 years, my wife's parents longer, and we've been married 30. We value faithfulness and honesty is a part of it. Not everyone is so blessed" my sisters are both divorced, but they, honestly, weren't as judicious in their choices as I was. I'm not blaming them-all 3 of of recognize this.
I'm a 42-y-o white man, was married for 11 years (and with her 6 years before that), divorced, and have found love again... and I can honestly say I've never cheated. Never. Not once. Not only do I abhor the thought of causing another person that much pain, but I also would not be able to live with myself in the aftermath. Why is it that cheating is "no big deal" for so many (men *and* women) in this day & age?
Kate – IMO, your observations apply to both men & women. My ex-wife was the one who disconnected from our marriage.
Amen!
@Dave – it's all luck. Consider yourself lucky, not judicious.
I was EXTREMELY judicious with the choice of my wife. Recommendations, long period of dating, same religion, same church, same friends, both of us in our 30s, etc etc etc.
Didn't matter. Sometimes life will hand you (or your spouse) something that makes them rethink their entire being. When that happens, it doesn't matter how thorough you were. They become a different person and all you can do is watch them leave.
Female infidelity is based on women's inability to handle responsibility like men: MANHOOD101. COM
Agreed!
Cheating is an act of selfishness. There is no logical reason for doing it other than being selfish. A cheater wants the person they are with, but wants to experience the person that is new and may spark feelings in them that they seem to have lost with their loved one.
My ex is still with the woman that he cheated on me with and every opportunity he gets he reminds me how he wishes he would have stayed with me. He is unhappy and I know he would leave her in a minute. But I am happy with my life and I would never truly trust him. I know she would still be there for him even if he left her and I refuse to love anyone who can not love me totally and completely the way that I would love them.
Is it wrong?
Men are simply not "wired" for monogamy, whereas women are.
So fidelty goes against everything biological in a man, and sooner
or later he'll cave. Get over it and live with it. If a guy doesn't cheat
on his wife, he's either E.D., or simply doesn't have the opportunities.
See, this biased comment is so messed up, how can u put your views only against the guys?? It's unfair to say that women don't cheat cuz that's jus BS all around. I was seeing a woman that had a man for 10 years and we dated, but then found out from a friend, and the boyfriend wasn't even in the same state as she was, and yet i'm the a**h*le that should have known??? Get outta here with that mess smh all she had to do was say nothing or lie. WOMEN ARE JUST AS GUILTY!
as a man who has been married for 27 plus yrs and at 46yrs old right now I have been faithful but I can see the day when that might not stand true because of the 2nd double standard that men have to deal with.I am happy for my wife that she has her female freinds and they go out of town for Jazz fests,Fla. trips etc. but for the life of me I cannot understand why when a woman goes out with the girls they are innocent but as men we are not to be trusted and are 3rd degreed all the time.My wife is leaving this weekend for a womens retreat but when her freinds show up all you get is what trouble are you getting into,who's keeping and eye on him,better call me every night,screw that,we need wives not mothers, I don't drink,go home 99% of the time right after work and this is the thanks most men get,we are all heathens and women are all to be trusted.It gets very old and gets to the point of after 27yrs if you still don't trust us or stick up for us by now is it worth it not to just get out,and then do what we have been accussed of wanting to do.
One of the reasons women 'stay' vs. men is because they are financially dependent on the men. I've read hundreds of 'Dear Abby's' over the years regarding this issue. Many women know their husbands are cheating but the stay because they can't or won't take care of themselves (and children) or because they want to wait and benefit someday financially...even though love is long gone. Its not a new problem...its an ancient one and I don't see that this article or anything else would change that...however recognizing there is a double standard (nothing new to me) might have enlightened some folks.
I worked with a woman who, after we became friends enough, confided in me that she was having an affair with one of her male coworkers. I said, "But I thought you were happily married." She looked at me dead serious and said, "What do you think keeps me so happy?"
I'm glad there are so many here who are advocates of not cheating... but how about some comments from those who are? I am a woman, married for over 15 years, and I've been having an affair for over a year now. "Cheating" has not damaged my marriage, but has actually saved it.
I'm sure there will be a throng of you telling me how horrible of a person I am, and that's fine. You don't know me or my situation. But to sum it up, I am a happier, healthier person thanks to my affair. Had it not been for the chance meeting of my old-time friend who became my lover, I would be bitter and angry with my husband still today. You see, the intimacy left our relationship a long time ago, but I love him for all of his other qualities. We have kids, and I think it's better for them to have both parents around, happy, than to have split parents who are unhappy and bitter. We are more financially stable as a unit as well. So many reasons to stay together, but for the lack of excitement in the bedroom. So, take that argument for what it's worth.
Does your husband know of your affair?
Not at all, and he never will. Call it a "successful" affair, if you will. Selfish, of course, but if it creates a better life for me, my kids, and yes – my husband (he is much happier with his "happier" wife) – then I see no harm in it.
Wow. That's definitely a different take on it!
Does your husband know? You are in denial, you make me positively SICK. I hope he's cheating on you too and that you contract some disease. Cheating devastated my marriage, and you tout it like it's your God-given right.
Get some therapy. Your husband deserves better.
You ARE a horrible person. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm glad you can rationalize your trist, but does your husband feel the same way? Or have you not been honest and told him yet?
I'm going to assume it's fair if your husband is having an affair too, then?
Pistachio,
I wish you luck but don't see how it can work in the long run. I'm not judging your situation because, as you said, I don't know you. From a practical standpoint however, it's almost impossible to live a double life over the long term. Your husband, odds are, will find out eventually and the resulting situation could be much worse than if you had broken it off originally.
And do you think your husband would think along the same lines as you? If not, then I guess the answer is it really isn't saving your marriage, is it? You are having your cake and eating it too. Living in a fantasy. How very, very sad. When your husband and kids find out, I guess you'll still think it's the best thing that ever happened??
I'm with JBird here. That's kind of a sick mentality. Youi're right we don't know your situation. But it gives me more reason to question it. What's going on in his life that he's not into having intercourse with you. Why do you have to have it so often; is it to compensate for some sort of stress or other problem. Maybe you don't excite him. Maybe he's cheating on you. To me it seems like you haven't even attempted to work at your relationship. Because if you have, you'd either have solved the issue or things would not be "happy".
Keep living in your dream world, then when he finds out and everything is ruined, you'll wonder why you didn't save your kid's the heartache and get it over with sooner than later.
I am actually not a big proponent of marriage. I just don't believe people are wired to stay with the same partner for the next 50+ years of their lives. I believe Pistachio when she says that her fling with another man makes things at home better. I just wish there is a term for people who want to be committed but still see other people occassionally. Doing it in the context of marriage is such of mockery of what it is supposed to be.
But it's a risky business. I'm thinking your husband would leave the relationship if he knew of your affair, thus ending the family unit you so rightly recognize as important. I'm in a similar situation in regard to 'marital satisfaction' but have – so far- chosen to not stray. I love my wife and kids too much to hurt them.
Cool! I hear you on that.
You're husband may well be happier while he does not know, but when he finds out (and he will...one way or another) he will be devastated. You're self-satisfaction in the short-run will ruin your husband's life in the long run.
Consider another thing- how will your kids react?
Don't kid yourself. You're doing no favors by having this affair. I certainly will not judge you as a person for who you love, but I will warn you that your actions today can, and almost assuredly will, have an enormous impact on the lives of your family. They will judge you, so be prepared.
Something I've learned by cheating, being cheated on, and being the "other man". Cheating is not the problem, it's merely a symptom.
You're = your. That's what I get for typing in haste.
MMeans
agree with that completely. But there is a difference between cheating because you choose to be unfaithful and are disrespectful of the relationship you're in, and cheating because you've been with the same person for a number of years and are now tired of the "tried and true."
So you think this will end well? What do you think will happend when your faithful husband finds out that you have been lying and betraying him regularly for the past year? When your children go through this trauma, changing their views on marriage, love, and their trust in you, will you think it's been worth it? Your children will learn that you have been lying and betraying their own presumably loved father, which will change them in a lot of ways. You say your affair is a positive thing for your family, I wonder if you took a poll of your husband and children whether they would agree.
I'm far from snow white on this issue. I once cheated, and I've been cheated on, I've seen the excitement of an affair and also the pain and anguish it causes all around. I hope I've learned: Trust is paramount in a relationship, and the only way to earn it is be trustworthy. If you have to leave the marriage, do it open and honestly, it'll always be painful, but less painful than the end result of what you are doing.
So what you are really saying is youd miss your husbands paycheck. Your a self indulgent person who missed the point of your own story. Your marriage hasnt been saved. You merely have a roomate who by law you are married to. Your marriage is over. I notice you didnt say your "husband" knew you were cheating. If you had any balls (figuritively speaking of course) youd man up and tell him. Your old friend is a weasel as well for agreeing to your arrangment. Otherwise you two are great human beings.
mmeans,
Yes cheating is a symptom of the problem. It is however very painful and doesn't make things better in the long run. Even a (laugh) "successful' affair of a year or more is only stealing from Peter to pay Paul. You are deferring and paying interest of the suffering. This woman has a problem, and she has set it up to make it far worse. I have been in my relationship much longer than she has, and know the troubles that can come in a marriage. She has taken the short term benefit and played it against a possible winning long term plan. It will eventually blow up in her face. I have seen it too many times, and it always comes and blows up in their face.
If she spent as much time working on making her relationship successful as she does spreading around for this other man she could have everything she originally seems to want. I feel bad for how deluded this woman is, how much pain she is bringing down on "the people she loves" and how she seems to actually care for no one. This will not work, because she isn't working anymore. It is like saying, well I am so high on dopamine I don't care!!! That isn't happy that is drugged up and living in a fairy world.
Really???? If he was sleeping with your best friend would you feel the same way? What if your kids find out? You may like some strange becasue it is exciting and new but when he finds out I hope he catches you in the act and brings the pain!!!!
My wife had an affair 5 years ago, and I discovered and confirmed it 4 years ago. We have 5 children ages 8 to 17. My life has been a living hell the last 4 years. We have tried to reconcile, and we have had some good times since I found out; however, the trust and the pain has never left. I loved my wife, faults and all. I wish that I could have met her emotional needs better than I did. For men, no one ever tells us how to be an attentive husband. Not to say that we don't try, but if the aim is off, you never hit the target so to speak. Counseling, self study of the many great marital books, and in my case, my faith in Christ has really helped me want to be a better man and husband. When your wife breaks that sacred vow, the thoughts, images, and pain comes at you every single day, even on the best of days. As a parent, if you love your children, please stop the affair because when it comes out, it will devastate your entire family. Work at your relationship with your husband. Do it for yourself, for your children, and for him. When your affair comes out into the light, and it only takes one slip up, it will wreak the worst destruction imaginable on your family. It is like the "living dead", and it does not heal. We are in the process of divorce, and our divorce should be finalized sometime this summer. Everyone suffers! This is my own personal experience. Forgiving something that is so personal is a VERY hard thing to do.
It is "good for the kids to have both parents" until they find out mommy is liar and never really did love daddy forever like she promised when she married him. Mommy lied everytime she kissed and told him she loved him in front of us. I'm going to grow up to be honest to people just like mommy is to daddy. I'm never going to believe anyone even if they are my husband or wife because mommy showed me what people have in their hearts for real and it isn't the person they married.
You are my hero. We need more women like you.
SO FAR! Cheating has not damaged my marriage, SO FAR!!! We never know the future. YOU think that you and your lover have ground rules that will protect the marriages. Alll I can say that you have NO IDEA what can and will happen next. If your lover has a change of heart, if his wife finds out and decides to share with your husband... SO FAR, so good. But..........the risk is NOT worth it. Because you do NOT know what will happen next my dearest cheater.
@John – Couldn't have said it better myself. Being betrayed is one of the worst feelings.
II think what you're doing, Pistachio, is just fine. Maybe the people who are criticizing you for your affair have great relationships and don't have large voids in their lives that need fulfilling. It's easy to put down others when you are not living their life. Life and relationships are too complicated to say that one size fits all and that everyone should not seek fulfillment from more than one person. For the person who lives a very interwoven life with someone who doesn't fulfill all their critical needs sometimes an affair is a good answer.
Pistachio,
You are in denial. He will find out, we always do!
Cheating may make you and your family happy now however, it will distroy your family when he does find out. Your kids will suffer from your evil ways especially if he leaves you. You need to stop, even if your husband doesn't make you feel happy all the time do it for your kids!
good for you! I know what you mean.
So you try to justify your cheating. Can you some day explain to your kids why you chose to not just cheat on their Dad but really you are cheating on them and you are nothing but a false image. You are as fake as one can get. Sneaking,lying,being full of haste. If you loved your kids you wouldnt be the w-hore you are. You are nothing but a nasty home wrecking selfish w-hore. Tell u what publish your husbands email so we all can give him a heads up about his "happy" wife then let us know how it goes for you. One day you'll answer for your decietful ways! PIG
Poor Pistachio. They are being a bit hard on you. I understand your situation. I had an affair for 12 years, and ended it 7 years ago. No regrets. No one ever found out. It did help save my marriage
Hitter Box you may want to believe that humans aren't wired to be monogamous but you'd be woefully wrong. It isn't just religion that says we should be monogamous. Science and evolution say it as well. The inherent nature of human pregnancy and conception greatly favors single couple intimate relationships. Yes, modern innovation, technology, medicine etc, make the evolutionary reasons less important but that's not the issue. Modern advances have not been around long enough to change our mental and physical wirings, and it's doubtful that they will in this regard. The two biggest factors for why humans developed monogamous relationships is because a) the hidden menstrual cycle, unlike other animals humans can not tell when a woman has gone into "heat". This means that if you want to have the children of a certain male or female you need to stick around and keeping plugging away at it. Fighting off other males or females ensures you're the only recipient and benefactor of your mate's genetic legacy. The second reason is the large gestation and growth to full adult period. Nine months to carry around a child and another 12-15+ (at a minimum) to care for a child before they're able to fend for themselves is a VERY long time and a huge drain on resources. This is why humans mate for life and again with only one partner. It takes a lot of work to make sure your genetic legacy lives on. Not only do you need to feed and protect the child from the forces of nature, but you have to protect the child from fellow humans. These are two of biggest reasons and there are many more as to why humans are wired to be monogamous. Another reason/supporting evidence is reproductive organ size (I'd use a different word but I'm trying to avoid CNN censors here) chimpanzee males have a larger size (proportionately) to humans, they are more promiscuous. Gorillas have the smallest and they are far less promiscuous than humans and definitely less than chimpanzees.
TL&DR – we ARE wired to be monogamous for life.
You are pathetic. How can it save your "marriage" if your husband does not know? If he did know would he not be crushed? You are shallow, inconsiderate and overall just lame. those are the nice words I have for you. I don't need to know any more about your situation to know you are sleazy.
As expected I received a throng of haters for my original post, but I stand by the fact that none of you know my situation better than I do and I can tell you for a fact that many of your assumptions about me are not true. I will make a couple of points though.
First, my kids will love me no matter what happens. How do I know? Because my father cheated on my mother numerous times (enough to give me a few half-siblings) and I still love him. All of us do. Why? Because he's our father, no matter what he's done in the past. He's a good person overall, and so am I. If my husband and I get a divorce, they will not love me (or him) any less.
Second, my lover and I have an excellent relationship. We are otherwise faithful to our spouses and each other, and have so much trust in the other that should either of us decide to end the affair, there will be no hurt feelings and no questions asked. We are simply supplying a need to each other and have no desire to hurt either of our families. We are mature adults, not teenage kids.
Finally, I ask where is the good in telling my husband about my affair? If I wanted to hurt him, I would have divorced him. What he doesn't know will not hurt him. We have our trials and tribulations, we have our good days and our bad. We have a typical marriage that we would both like to keep working through. I don't expect my affair to last forever, but I plan on enjoying the time I spend with my lover while I have it, because he gives me the one thing that my marriage doesn't, and I do the same for him. It makes me feel good – no matter how demented many of you probably think I am. I don't need therapy... I need affection, which I have found.
I see where' you're coming from, Pistachio, but I do have some questions: All that energy you put into arranging meetings w/ your lover, getting down to biz w/ him, and covering it all up afterward... why aren't you putting it into your husband & marriage, instead? I know I don't know you or your situation (other than what you've given here), but it seems to me that your marriage is empty. Hollow. Essentially, you're using your husband for your own material security. Have you thought about what your affair is going to do to him when he finds out (and he will, at some point)? And if you have children, what will it do to them when the truth comes out? Did you not make vows when you married him? Do you even care about any of these heavy questions, or have you rationalized them all away?
@Randy, Joe and everyone else who aggrees with this. All I have to say is this- "You are all cowards and to grow a pair and end the marriage if you are unhappy with your spouse instead of distroying them with lying and cheating on them" You do not need to be MARRIED if you want to sleep around. Get a life!
You want more affection? Buy a dam puppy
Thank you Joe! I find it interesting that you never hear of the people who have kept an affair secret and successful. I believe it can be done, and I believe it CAN make for a better and happier life.
Not judging you at all BUT this is really the "key" to your pro-cheating post.
"chance meeting of my old-time friend whom became my lover."
I do have to ask though, once the children are out of the house, will you leave?
You are truly a pathetic person. All you are doing is being selfish, nothing more. I think your husband at least expects the truth if you truly do love him. But you will never tell him, why? Because you are self-centered and selfish person. That's why you never told him. Just like one poster said, your having your cake and eating it too. Your cheating, plan and simple and if your husband found out he'd be devastated. People like you are what makes things wrong. It's one thing if your in an "open" relationship but it's another to completely be deceitful and are breaking a persons trust willingly and secratively just for your own selfish needs.
Totally. Can I get your cell? My wife is about as acrobatic as a cadaver in bed. I need more than one coital outlet so I have 3 different lovers. They all know about each other and don't care, but my wife is in the "best she doesn't know" column. It's best the kids don't know too, but I am MUCH happier and so is the family since I am happy. So it's all good. The problem is society's demonization and definition of "cheating." Evolve. Our instincts are catching up with us. Free yourself from the dogmatic confines of "commitment." I can't wait for the day we have one core family unit, yet have outlets and everyone understands and can do it themselves too. We will be so enlightened one day. In the meantime, it's pretty sweet releasing yourself from the anything beyond missionary for 5 minutes is "perverted" mentality.
@John tell her again!!!!!
What goes around comes around! She will get what she deserves.
Pistachio,
You have carefully crafted your own self-consistent reality, insensitive to how your behavior will have hurt your husband and your family. Yes, your children will always love you. But how resentful will they feel after your behavior leads to divorce.
Affairs are rarely the first thing that goes wrong in a marriage – usually they are a symptom of a much deeper and longer-lasting detachment. But they NEVER solve anything. The place to restore your heart and soul are back with your husband, the man whom you committed to love and honor until death do you part. Do those vows still mean anything to you? Were they just words?
End the affair. Then seek out a counselor, consult with him/her, and then arrange a time to meet with your husband (and counselor) to beg forgiveness and to seek a path forward. Do not attempt to justify your actions. They are unjustifiable.
Hear, hear! As Ann Landers used to say "There are no frigid women, only clumsy men". It still holds true.
Pistachio,
I'm glad you are happy with the choices you have made...ultimately that is all that really matters. I just have one thing I want you to consider. All of the energy spent in arranging for secret meetings and rendevous with your lover; can you engage into some of that activity with your husband? Is he not in need of affection too? Don't men and women both need to feel wanted and desired?
I ask because my ex claims those reasons for his affair, but I was feeling just as empty and would have been willing to create secret trysts with him had he only expressed his feelings. I would have easily spent that time and money on him...think about it.
@ Ozmodius – I won't leave my husband unless I have good reason to. To divorce him simply because of his intimate shortcomings, I feel, is not a good reason. We are otherwise very happy together. And yes, you make a good point. I did not seek out my affair, it was simply a matter of coincidence that it began.
And for the rest of you who don't think I spend time working on my marriage, I will correct you and tell you that I do. I have brought up the bedroom problems to my husband many, many times – so much that he began to get angry with me for bringing it up. So, naturally, I stopped trying to discuss it and that's where it stands. That was long before my affair ever began. I had become angry, bitter and resentful toward him before the affair. Now I'm much happier, and he has a less-angry wife as a result which makes him happier. It couldn't have been a better result and I plan to continue without regret.
So it doesn't bother you that you might be really tasting his wife? How does she taste? She might have been there RIGHT before you..
I think that proves the point Pistachio. You still think the world revolves around you, that you are a unique snowflake and only you can understand you. You have already proven what a cheater can do in a relationship (your parents), it can screw kids yo. Then they grow into morally confused adults like you. No one said they wouldn't love you, just that they would know you are a liar, a cheater and morally corrupt. You can still love someone like that, so that isn't the same thing. You are making a lot of false analysis here. As I said before, you are only deferring your suffering for a little pleasure. You are high on the chemicals, and the attention this guy is putting up for you. You KNOW it is wrong and it always comes out. Even the person previously who has made it to mark 15 isn't free from that. It could be the simplest thing. Once the trust is gone, that is it... You sit there and say your making the right decision... if that were the case you wouldn't be lying in your long term relationship, you wouldn't have broken your marriage vows... etc. This isn't judging you this is statistics, sociology and psychologists speaking. This is looking at your moral ambiguity and applying it to your experiences from childhood. I have friends in open marriage and it works just fine for them. I also know people who aren't and are just fine. I do know that every single friend I have both male or female that have had infidelity in their relationship has failed.
Plenty of people cheat and take the secret to their grave. It's not a happy option, but it can be better than breaking up a family and leaving someone that you really do love. It is risky, yes. I too deeply love my wife, I would never want to hurt or leave her, I put more work into our relationship than dozens of couples I know, but ...
To all those making righteous comments, I say, life is shades of grays. Many of us would rather not cheat, but we are compelled to in order to fill a spot in our marriage that will not be filled without leaving. And, leaving is an unacceptable alternative.
No River, not plenty. It is a small handful of people who can do that. Almost everyone statistically gets caught.
Hi Pistachio, I read your reply to all the "hater" replies you received on your post. Good luck to you in making your "unique situation" work out, but you may want to start some contingency planning for when this explodes into a universe of pain for all parties involved. I put "unique situation" in quotations because the common theme of this entire thread is pain. No one is impervious to it, regardless of her situation. I don't think the "hater" replies were "hatin'" on you. I think they've clearly been in your "unique situation"–or been innocent bystanders blind-sided by the poor decisions of others– and the "haters" felt the pain you think you can outrun, outsmart, outlast. It will get you one day ... and everyone else in your family, his family, your friends, his friends .... is it truly worth it?
Of course they will still love you. But now they will have learned from example how to treat others in a relationship.
Just like you learned from your father and mother about cheating and how it's okay. So don't be suprised if your daughter and son starts cheating and your grandkids end up with fueuding/divorced parents and a broken home. This will become part of your family "Tradition" .... everyone cheats and divorces in our family... it's normal for us!! Yeah, normal if you've always come from a broken home. Break this sick cycle and teach your kids to be better than you. Everyone should try to raise children that are better than they were or are.
Thank you River, well said. I am quietly surprised at how many positive comments there are in this thread.
I believe the only reason you don't hear* about the people who don't get caught, is because they don't get caught. There are likely more successful love affairs out there than any of us could possibly know about. Because of that, you can't believe in statistics.
Live your life the way you choose. Everyone on here seems to think they are in charge of your time on this earth. That is the beauty of life. We get to live it the way we choose. So maybe your situation isnt for everyone, but it is obvious you are doing what works best for your life. You can feel the anger by some of the people on here. They are obviously angry people in general. It really is not my thing to judge people and how they live. It is crazy how many people on this planet would love to have the power to tell everyone else how they should live. Funny. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Don't listen to all of these bitter and angry women and men on here. Obviously they don't have much going for them, so they enjoy insulting someone they know nothing about.
To Jarret – Stop the presses, everyone! Take your advice from a cat who can't spell. Check your keyboard on the word "destroying," chachi. The "e" is nowhere near the "i" so you can't claim a fat thumb, meathead.
Dear Pistachio,
As someone who found out at a young age that her father was unfaithful, I can tell you that it hurt more than just my mother. I lost my respect for my father because of it and to be honest, never really recovered it. I sincerely hope, for your children's sake, that no one ever finds out. You might say you're doing it for your children, but they won't see it that way.
Personally, I was glad my mother left him. It would have hurt me more to see her stay.
Hmmmm. Interesting. Not judging...just have a question: If your hubby starts to provide to you what the other guy is providing for you now, would you continue the affair?
If you bored of your husband, it is likely the same will happen with your current lover. A different face, body and the milieu of naughtiness might be limning the fires for now, but you will again feel the need for another. You know what you are doing is wrong, since you have to keep it secret.
The most difficult, yet important tool of relationship is communication. When we dare tell our partners of secret lurid desires, we become incredibly vulnerable. You could try role play, toys or different surroundings with you mate.
@Justice – The answer is yes, I would end the affair.
@Justice, sorry I didn't word that very well. To clarify, I would end the affair if my husband started becoming intimate again and showed some more interest in the bedroom. It is as simple as that. Unlike what it says in the article above, my need is not at all emotional.
Pistachio,
I have walked both sides of this fence. My first marriage (no kids) ended after I cheated and later found out he was cheating too.
I married the man I was cheating with and have since had 4 beautiful kids. Christmas morning I stumbled across his phone and a call to his "girlfriend". The pain is unbelievable. Even when you think it goes away...it sneaks up again.
This is a free world and I will not judge you, I will only tell you enjoy the ride now because there are NO secrets in this world. It will come out one day whether you are alive or not. Wouldnt you rather be the one to control that?
I have stayed in my marriage so far (its been 3 months), but I do not know that I can ever forgive and as a christian that alone is killing me more....SO for you husbands sake I hope he never finds out because the pain is more than you could ever understand no matter what your dad did to your mom.
As I cannot judge you – don't judge the other comments to you either. We may live in a free world, but I'd like to think we still live in a moral world with honesty. You want to have an affair – be honest about it.....or as I tell my husband when recollecting to him the pain "Own it honey – YOU did this". I feel you have not OWNED what you are doing – beng namelessly honest to strangers is living a lie.
Good luck to you
My wife thought she had a "successful" affair also. Right up until I found out about it. Then when all her lies and infidelity came into the light she tried to tell me how much it had helped our marriage. I told her she was an idiot for even saying that to me. I ended our ten year marriage because I knew I could never trust her again. She did not want me to leave and was crying that "she only ever wanted" me. All I feel now is shame and disgust when ever I think of her.
my opinion is – if it is so wonderful – and it saved your marriage, then tell your husband – if it is as wonderful as you say – then why are you lying about it? if you really feel there is nothing wrong with what you are doing – then be honest – if you can't be honest with your husband, then it is WRONG.
Pistachio, I hope your children do not grow up to be cheaters like you.
Intimacy can be rediscovered. Unfortunately for you, integrity cannot.
To add another side to this thread, my mother cheated on my father and my siblings and I found out. My father does not know yet, but the pain we feel having to look at him with this knowledge is unbelievable. Our family was everything to us, and though I still "love" my mother, I can never trust her and lean on her again. She has committed the ultimate lie and disgraced us, our family, my father, and mostly herself. She ruined our belief in love and committment to almost any person, for if my mother who delivered me could commit such deceit, they why would any person who has no blood connection to me be faithful. I hate my mother chose herself over so many things and people.
As a male, FIDELITY IS BORING.
Can you eat steak every single night for the rest of your life?
Then why should you be forced to do the same in a relationship?
I am a firm proponent of "open relationships."
hilarious. you portray yourself as noble, yet you're nothing more than a coward. get yourself a job so you can financially support yourself and then show some honesty and 'fess up. Maybe try some communication with your husband. Maybe if you hit the gym up and weren't a whale, he might be into you, i don't know. Typical that you're cheating though, since your own parents cheated. Shows how F'd up your convoluted logic is when you state there are no ill-effects... yet you're a cheater. Classic. I'm a 33 year old male and have never cheated. I'm not married or in a committed relationship because I enjoy variety at the moment. Why cheat on someone you've, um – allegedly – , forged a relationship based on trust with? If you're not feeling it for whatever reason, sack up and break it off, or have the courage to work it out. If you have a problem with monagomy then don't get married or commit to a relationship.
After several years in a deteriorating marriage, I began an affair with a co-worker who was also a very good friend. We ended up falling in love. The relationship took a terrible emotional toll on both of us so after about a year and a half we decided to end it. I told my wife because I knew that if I didn't the affair would never end. My wife and I spent another year and a half working on our marriage, and no matter how hard we tried, including attending counseling, she couldn't move beyond the affair. Throughout all of this, I kept my distance from my lover to try to give my marriage a chance to heal. After all this time with all the problems that still exist in my marriage, I'm now back in the relationship with my lover. I find myself in a situation where I love two women, they know about each other and I can't bear to be apart from either of them. The situation is maddening and I don't know what to do...I'm headed to therapy.
I agree with Norm. There is nothing wrong with an open relationship. Pistachio is not receiving something from her husband and found the need to get it from someone else. I would only guess that her husband is not getting something from her as he is showing her little to no interest in the bedroom. I am no relationship expert – far from it – but maybe a fairer deal would be to have an open relationship with her husband where each can get from someone else what the other is lacking. The hubby is apparently not getting something from Pistachio since he is showing her little to no interest in the bedroom. Maybe an open relationship will allow him to find in someone else what he is apparetnly not finding in her. Just a thought...no sneaking....no lying...more happiness. I was in a few open relationships. And the freedom to fulfill certain needs from different people is great.
Good follow-up. Thanks for the article.
women cheat becoz of pride and most of all money!!!!!!!
Totally disagree.
If SINGLE women have an affair w/a married man it could be for money, but a married woman? She can't really accept things from you, can't go on trips with you, you can't pay for her apartment, can't buy her a car or even fancy jewlery for that matter. There's a husband.
So what do you do when your wife accuses you of cheating (or at least looking) then when you finally say enough is enough... she tells you she is bi and wants to have a playmate join in?
A resounding yes
I did say yes. It lasted about two months and she started acting jealous. That was about six years ago. She has still made the innuendo that I have been looking for an affair over the years, but not to the extent that she once did. Love her, but her insecurity drives me batty. I said the next time she starts in on that cr@p, I'm going to actually have an affair.
Agreed. Definitely a good start with the tri-fecta!
This should be no surprise that women cheat. Women uplift the double standard of what is appropriate gender behavior. Women form a support group with other women who will by all means necessary ensure that their female friends are not exposed. There are a lot of men who feel trapped in bad relationships/marriages that feel they can not get out of their bad situation. Are we familiar with the , "no fault state?" Seems to be a win, win for the female who steps out of their marriage to be fufilled and now can collect if exposed.
I am not hear to say that all women cheat, but I am saying that the roles have been reversed.
Role reversal? You hit the nail on the head buddy! Women complained for years about the way men treated women…and rightfully so in some cases. And now they've proven they're absolutely NO DIFFERENT!
good luck married people.im single for life
Same here...marriage and the life partner route is a myth.
enjoy dying alone and miserable with no one to share your life with.
Same here, I'd be content to stick with someone forever, but they've never stuck with me, no mater what promises they made. I've got my guy friends and my pets, I'm not alone. A wise friend once said, "there is worse loneliness than being alone" and I fully agree. I'm happy for those who are happily married, but they are the minority. Half of marriages end in divorce, and a good fraction of those that don't eventually deteriorate into two roommates tolerating one another.
My wife cheated on me cause she thought that she had not enjoyed her life since we married young. She also assumed that they guy that she cheated on me with was going to give her a better lifeI begged her not to leave as she would destroy our family life, she left anyways AND left the children with me. Boy was she wrong. Now she's begged me countless times to take her back and I've gotten over her. Girls, the old adage of "you don't know what you've got, till its gone" is very true. So your affair seems perfect now until your husband finds out.
My wife and I married young as well. During her affair, and right after, she continually accused me of having an affair. Convinced her mom and dad that I was having an affair and tried to place her actions on me. I often think I should write a book based upon what I know now. ...wife would tell people we married too young. ...would have been happy with 2 kids rather than 5. ...there is always something that should have been different. ...always an excuse as to why it is the fault of someone else.
been married for almost one year to a really good man after long-distance dating for 5 years. during the 5 years, i would try to end it with him because he was emotionally distant and i needed life. i never brought myself to tell him i was still seeing other guys so he was always willing to reconnect with me just long enough for me to fall for him again. but the pattern continued and when it got too much, i went elsewhere. finally, when push came to shove, he broke thru whatever barriers he'd been fighting and he opened up to me as i was ready to call it off for good. he moved up here and it has been more than everything i could have asked for. i tried to confess to him the person i had been but he did not want to hear it... and that left me worried that i would be tempted again in the future. but the thing is, i am not in the slightest bit interested in anyone else out there... even when he makes me mad or disappointed. we're not perfect and maybe he was doing the same things while we lived apart. if so, i dont want to know. what we have now tho is good. and somehow, we absolutely trust each other.
Dont tell him, ever! What good could it do? If its to make YOU feel better I say thats selfish.
rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth
I came from a divorced home and so did my ex wife and she still cheated on me. She was a stay at home mom and we had 2 beautiful kids. Then came Myspace and sure enough infidelity was committed over the phone before it was even an act...all this while I was tending to business and taking care of my family at work. I know how to walk away and break hearts but I don't know how to cheat. I still believe in love but I don't believe that there are many women left who have value and self respect it takes to be in a faithful and loyal loving relationship.
Monagamy is a lost gift in our generation. I for one still have hope and faith that the day will come when fidelity would become 'fashionable' again. But with so much temptations via internet, social site, and the entertainment industry advocating 'body' rather than soul, polagamy will be humanities acceptable thorn.
“in a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating.” I definitely agree with the first half of the statement. There are no words to describe the hurt I felt when my spouse cheated on me. When infidelity occurs, it is often assumed it was the man until stated otherwise. I am not saying that makes it more acceptable. Men are typically less emotionally understanding of their partner and more self centered. Which makes them more likely to cheat and less likely to forgive. I am saying this as a man. However, it was my wife (now ex-wife) who cheated. The main reason we did not make it is because by the time she cheated, there was no coming back emotionally for her. In hindsight I am glad for that. I'm better off without her. However, forgiveness is the only way to survive. Otherwise you are only hurting yourself. Forgiveness takes time. It took me nine years, but I eventually did forgive her (after working on it for more than a year) and I live a happier life for it.
My wife cheated on me cause she thought that she had not enjoyed her life since we married young. She also assumed that they guy that she cheated on me with was going to give her a better life. I begged her not to leave as she would destroy our family life, she left anyways AND left the children with me. Boy was she wrong. Now she's begged me countless times to take her back and I've gotten over her. Girls, the old adage of "you don't know what you've got, till its gone" is very true. So your affair seems perfect now until your husband finds out.
If my husband cheats, I'm leaving and the poor guy won't have a dime to his name. I'm just sayin'...
That is the huge factor in all of this. In the vast majority of states, the woman will clean-up in a divorce. It makes no difference to the courts, the man is forced to support the woman. I was cheated on and forgave. Then cheated on and forgave again. An ex-wife with severe depression that started taking SSRIs. She then acted like a school kid. I was the evil parent. It ended badly after 8 years, 2 years in councilling. The eye opener to me when I asked the councillor why she just wasn't able to make it work; he said may be just didn't want it to work.
Been Thru it: You were not the cheater and you went thru a really bad experience. I was attempting humor at the expense of the cheater, not the cheatee (is that a word?) .
I appriciate the attempt at humor; not funny. I had a BMW M3, BMW motorcycle, all the toys. Now bearly able to make mortgage payments driving a beat-up pickup truck. And I hate country music too.
thanks for perpetuating the dogma of "women as cattle." You can be bought and sold. Good for you.
I'm a 36 year old male that's been the LTR and marriage route. I'm done. I openly tell women "I am not a boyfriend, husband, or fatherly type. If you want one of those you're looking at the wrong person, if you want to hang out and have fun, great". Want to know why? Because I have seen so much cheating on BOTH sides that there's no point in trying to be in a monogamus relationship. And all those that say "oh we are completely faithful", I have other news for you – not likely. Most married women I've known cheated, and although I am not sure about the men I know, I'm sure they've done their share as well.
I've only been married for ten years, so I don't have a LOT of experience with this, but I haven't cheated on my husband. I haven't even wanted to. So are you saying HE'S cheating, because by gosh someone in here has to be? I'm sorry for the past trouble you've experienced in your relationships, but honestly, among our friends, we've only known about men that cheated in the marriage.
You cannot touch the topic of cheating unless you have been a victim, man or woman. I was cheated on for 25 yes 25years and I stayed faithful. We are both in our late 50's. Recently I met a young man 14 years my junior and let me tell you all, something clicked with the both of us. I had really intense feeling for this young man, I could not explain why. Anyhow, we met, made love, and trust me, no one in my life has been able to make me feel like this young man. He is giving me loving like I never had before, I want to stop, but find it really hard. My hubby even went with one woman for 10yearsand had children during the marriage, I know you all will say that I should have left him but it is easier said than done, not unless you are in the situation, they you cannot talk. No one should cheat, because sometimes you might just meet someone, and it is the hardest thing to say goodbye to them. Do not start if you dont know how to stop, because everybody heart gets broken in the long run.
Don't stop! Enjoy it! I only say that becuase your husband it habitually unfaithful so what the he!!?
Oh, and everytime you serve your husband dinner, smile to yourself knowing that he ain't the only one gettin' something on the side.
I have never responded to articles or columns before, but I wanted to add my thoughts on this topic. I am also a committed male who will never cheat, even though I have been cheated on by my ex wife (three times over 8 years was enough! I stayed because of the kids.)
What I had learned through this is that there did appear to be a double standard, and that is that men were the cheaters, and women didn't. There was no support group that helped – I didn't need meetings with dis-gruntled men complaining about their situation, I needed a support group that could re-affirm my beliefs that I would not do that. I have survived, and now thrive with a beautiful wife, lover, partner, and best friend.
Thank you for showing the 'other side'!
I have been married for 13 years and I fall in love with my husband more and more each day. How you ask? Because he shows me that I CAN fall in love with him each day. There is a sense of security that can never be matched and a bond that only true lovers know. Just don't be selfish. Your significant other needs you just as much as you need them.
Telling a woman that infidelity is ok is like telling the Pope that Islam is the true religion. They cannot accept it. Most women have been programmed by romance novels and soap operas and each other to believe in a one-size-fits-all form of romantic love. Women want a husband, kids, house, car, and social life. If the dishwasher busts, they dump it and get a new one. If the husband doesn't live up to their preconceived notions of romantic love, they dump him and get a new one. A husband, for most women, is just another appliance.
I was cheated on by the person I thought would never do that. The way I found out was even worst. I went to doctor and found out I had an STD, of course there's no way that could just suddenly appear. I confronted him after crying in front of my doctor and staff. I was humilated and of course I walked away. Not only am I hurting now because I still love him.
I am so sorry for your pain Kristi. This is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy.
Good luck to you
The way I see it . Is if you cheat on your spouse you should go to jail period. It is against the law. I was married to my ex wife for 6 years and had 3 children. I started to have this gut feeling that she was up to no good so I looked a little further into it. Come to find out she was having an affair with a fellow employee. I let it be known that I knew what was going on . I tried to be a man and work the marriage out for the sake of the kids. And she agreed to stop seeing him. 2 months later I found out from a lady friend of hers that she was still fooling around with him at work on their lunch and smoke breaks. I was very thankful that the person let me know because at the time I had no idea she had started this up again . after I confronted her she admitted it. She then told me that I was no longer welcome in our house . The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was telling my 3 young boys that their father was moving out and was not coming back . We agreed that I would pay a set amount of child support without taking it through the courts . after about 6 months I was blindsided with court papers for child support. Now since I left her and the kids with everything and had to start over with no money and no home . I had no money for a lawyer . In turn it did not work out well for me. I was orderd to pay her 870 per month in support along with 50% of the remaining balance of any doctor bill the insurance did not cover. (funny thing is she used the money I had paid her to get a lawyer and burn me a new one) I have never told my children about their mothers cheating to save her the trouble that they would give her. I had to move 150 miles away to a place with a higher pay scale so I could survive . I now am only able to see my kids once every couple of months. I have missed alot of things in my childrens life because of the selfish decisions she made and I will never forgive her for this. She has remarried a different man and lives high on the hog . This was six years ago I have a wife and two daughters that i am very greatful for . With that said we struggle month to month because of my support payments. I bring home an average of 240 a week at a full time job . so for all you people thinking about getting married and having kids.... choose your wife wisely or kid could be the biggest mistake of your life. ( my boys were no mistake as i love them dearly) I have another 10 years of support payments left before I can get my life back on track. So the emotional and phisical scars can be alot worse then some may think.
Jaydog, I feel your pain. Fortunately I did not have any kids. And fortunately I owned the house before we were married. That if where the fortunate ends. We were both doctors, tho she worked part-time and played the rest of the time while I busted my butt. I got a quick settlement in court, then the economy took a nose dive. Now I have alimony and marital distribution payments I can not even get close to meeting. I'm taken to court for contempt, and the idiot judge threatens to throw me in jail. The system is VERY broken. The poor helpless women exploit antiquidated laws (in MA the laws say how many cows and chickens I can keep after the divorce). I'm in bankruptcy now, hoping that will modify my payments. Otherwise, I guess it is debtor's prison for me.
I am so sorry. Honestly, I am.
Been thru it , I know what you mean. I live in Virginia and the laws here mostly side for the women . I have actually went to court 2 times to try and get the support lowered and both times they raised it. Now im scared to even try again . The cheaters will pay in the long run.... CARMA is a B$%ch
jaydog and been thru ... I am sorry for what you have been through. The system IS broken. No one should be able to take hundreds of dollars a month, TAX FREE, for years on end, with no accountability. My husband and I (yes, I am a woman) had to pay an extra year of child support because his ex unilaterally decided to hold the child back a year in school (unneeded). And then when the moneyy train finally reached the station, she had the audicity to whine about it. She would periodically whine, "I can't make it on what he gives me!" Well, um, I thought it was for your child, not you. Luckily she was better at whining than legal action so it never got worse.
I think the men (and sometimes women) who are victims of this travesty should unite and fight for change. What I advocate is simple accountability – make the recipient show where the money goes. That's not too much to ask.
Good luck and God bless you both.
Jaydog778, you have my sincerest sympathies. I was hurt by my divorce, but you got straight cleaned out by yours. I sincerely hope that there's a private circle of "Heck" (stupid auto-censors) reserved for gold-digging lumps of trash like her that exploit the double standard and feel compelled to stoop low enough to put a price tag on love. Maybe you can find some solace in that. Good luck.
What strikes me as most strange about conversations like this is that we tend to talk about men and women as if they are monolithic groups with certain defined characteristics. We -all of us- are individuals much more than we are part of some group.
I've known men who cheated because the genuinely fell in love for someone other than their wife, and I've known women who have no loyalty at all to their partners and sleep around as badly as, or worse than, any man I know.
There are no universals in this situation. Just as each relationship is different, each marriage is different and each infidelity is different. Men are not from Mar and women are not from Venus; we are all from Earth, and as different as the genders are from one another the differences between individuals of either gender are more relevant to this type of discussion.
My boyfriend of 9 years went that route decided to take a break while we were still living together in October 2010 and I didn't move out until the 1st of the year. He totoally changed we had a great relationship. He started talking to some 20 year old got caught up and now she's pregnant. We lived together for 8 years we were supposed to get married this year the break was just something he wanted because he got bored of the routine I guess. It was just like he cheated though because we were still living together when he was meeting up with her in hotels, and he was misleading me. Now I'm totally lost don't know what to do with myself. He wants to be with me, but a baby on the way. I didn't even have his first kid I'm so depressed. This is has been too stressfull and I've only known for a month. He lied to me the whole time that they even slept together when I found the phone number on the bill, but I'm not stupid. I don't know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Now he's stuck with a kid raising a kid that he never wanted with a stranger. And I'm all alone with no one.
Honey don't be sad – pick yourself up and keep it moving. When you get past this.....and you will.....you will look back and know that you made the right decision. If he intended to have a real relationship with you he would have. Sometimes, we as women spend so much time looking for the faily tale we don't listen to what is being really said and we miss it. One day you are going to wake up and it won't even matter.
Sad, count your blessings and be glad you know now. If you were the one having the kid, it would be a lot worse. He would constantly be in your life because of the child and the child has a loser for a father. Do some positive things for yourself if you are able. Go to school, get some new skills, develop some hobbies and know deep deep down in side that you're better off. I'm going to make an assumption and say you derived a lot of your worth from being in a relationship, don't. Society has it wrong and women who have fought for equal rights and paid their share of dues still allows society to dictate what's except-able and what's not. If you truly don't have a good support system, find one. I'm a Christian and I advocate going to church and learning about God and his plan for you life. That may not be something you want to do, but trust me it's a good place to start. A lot of church's have programs in place just for people in your same situation. Do some research, because they are not all the same. You can do better than this, God has a plan for your life.
Hey!!!.I know the scariest thing about it is that you think you are all alone.betrayed and you self opinion is stripped down to zero.Im a man I was cheated on and lied to.I could not believe it.It all happened so fast.But we managed to work it out.My advice to you is ,YOU have to pick up yourself and become stronger than you could even imagine.That is what I had to do.I didnt want to abandon my kind heart which you dont but become aware.I am very selfless but I will not be stepped on ever again.YOU DO THE SAME.There are guys like me who are very loving and dont care what people think about being affectionate in public.YOU will find someone somewhere when you least exspect it.I dont know you but I feel for you.(yes my spelling is horrible,but you get it)
Don't worry – things will work out for the best. You will find someone much better and when you look back on this whole thing, you'll be glad things went the way they did.
Otherwise good people do bad things for whatever reasons. I smoke knowing it's bad. I've been cheated on and it hurts alot! Did I still love my ex after that? Not sure... 4 children at home gave me little choice but to stick with it. Counseling didn't fill the hole left in my feelings. Finally left with only one at home and found a beautiful wife who had also been cheated on. Giving love another chance and it feels great!! Life goes on
I believe Mr. Kerner is either mistaken or biased because when the majority of women leave a relationship they are unhappy but faithful . Women do not require a new partner nor do they wait for one to provide the impetus to leave. Men are a different story. Men will stay in an unhappy relationship and simply stagnate, without communication, until they meet (by accident or design) someone who sparks their romantic interest. They will pursue that individual and engage in either a physical or an emotional affair and once they have confirmed their interest in reciprocated then these men will leave their current partner. Women may cheat but men disconnect and leave which makes men a far worse bet for women than women are for men.
Don't get your logic or agree with your overgeneralization. People are more complex than that. I think many people (men and women) need a relationship, so when a new, "better" relationship is formed it gives them the impetus to abandon a bad one. I'll give you that. But to say that women always (or even usually) leave in a spontaneous bit of nobility while men hang around like a marital albatross until somebody else comes along – can't buy that. Sorry.
Proof that crack heads can use a computer
To those who are cheating, there is punishment coming. Maybe not today, maybe not tommorow but it will surely come. As proof of this, my son whome I love more than life itself is the result of my wifes indiscretion. He is a special needs child who will live with me for the rest of our lives and I accept this. But every time she looks at him and thinks of the things he may never have she is reminded that it was her choice.
i dot get how that your child being that way could be the result from your wife cheated on you
He was/is a druggie... Nuff said?
Ah, gotcha. Hope all works out ok for ya in the end.
lol, what? your wife was knocked up by the Rain Man or something?
I've been married for 25 years, and long ago I realized I made a mistake in who I married. He's handsome, successful and to the outside world we have a perfect life - money, houses, cars. Over the years everything became more important than me to him, work, golf, friends. I also have had a very successful career . Five years ago I met the most wonderful, special, caring man who I love with my whole heart, who makes me feel I'm the most important person in the world, and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. This is not an affair, this is a relationship. Now at 50 I don't have the constraints I did when I was younger with worrying about children, college and establishing careers. Does my husband know? We lead separate lives. But my life is so much richer now.
why dont you do the write thing and leave your husband and be with the one that truely makes you happy.
I think that's wonderful, and I wish you the best of luck and happiness!
This is perfect. Very good. I am so happy for you. Your husband has found what is important to him, as have you. Essentially you BOTH are practicing the same principle of honoring YOUR OWN inner needs. BRAVO!!!
Don't pretend to know your business ... but life is too short not to be with your true love. Especially at age 50.
Just like I said in a previous post. In a woman mind she is not cheating as to her the relationship ended and she is looking to replace her current partner. While I try to remain logical, there are things that irk me. The believe that women have in that if they feel the new man is more right than their current, they are no longer with that man. Now with un-contractually obligated partners this behavior is near harmless, a dust off and move on if you will. However when it comes to honoring a contract you are simply not following within the constraints of your agreement. Unlike in most worldly cases, contract violation defers on the violate, in marriage the contract can be a death sentence to men. As a strong believer in the equal treatment of men and women I find this to be a social sin.
Simply put you are not honoring your contract. End it respectably and admit to your discrepancies, or continue down your path.
My husband and I have been happily married for 33 years. As old-fashioned as it may sound, infidelity, on the part of either party, is and always has been a deal breaker for us. We married with the intention of raising a family and being together forever, and although life hasn't always been easy, it has certainly been more than worth the effort.
well I wish who accepted what was broken into categories...In the Latin culture its widely accepted that men stray as long as they take care of their house and home...
Chris
Do not misinterpret silence as acceptance.
Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see any mention of "revenge cheating" – by women and (I assume) men. For example, I once slept with a woman who, as I discovered later, was just trying to make her "boyfriend" jealous. I put boyfriend in quotes because he was married. So, he was cheating on his wife with her, and she cheated on him with me because he wasn't ready to leave his wife yet. Or something like that. I stopped paying attention to her once she told me she just wanted to be friends. So maybe we can add this as another reason people (especially catty women) cheat? She don't get no respect, so she goin' make him pay! You go girl!
If my husband ever cheats on me, I'd just better never find out about it!
Your husband IS careful so that you do not find out. lol
The reason infidelity is increasing is pretty obvious; society has put us in a positive feedback loop. Suppose every time your dog growls at your neighbor you give the dog a pat and treat. What do you think will happen?
In our society, infidelity has largely become no big deal. I live in a "no fault divorce" State and my wife made a huge fortune cheating on me with a building contractor. The court flat out doesn't care what she did so I get to pay about half a million dollars to her, my kids are out of my life over half the time, she can marry her lover tomorrow and his income doesn't count when figuring child support (i.e. I pay the same). My retirement was wiped out, was forced into bankruptcy and will end up working as a greeter at Walmart. All of this for three pieces of siding going up on my house.
For a lot of people, there are no downsides to having an affair and as that increases there will be more affairs. When I was younger, there was a stigma to this and court's penalized a cheating partner; infidelity was much less common. What would happen if we stopped all fines for obeying traffic signs? It's no different.
I'm a woman. I would be gone the first time. I also will not allow a man to hit me or yell at me or call me names. I chose carefully when I married my husband. No one will mistreat me like that. No one.
Honey, he is 'cheating' on you, I assure you of that.
I have always wondered why a women would not just tell a married man NO you are married.If all women would do this it would make it harder for a man to cheat.And same goes for men.
I've read most of the comments made here and have come to the conclusion that there are alot of angry and intolerant people writing in. It seems to me maybe alot of the problems in these relationships just might stem from the very intolorence invoked here. If one does not have the compassion to forgive his/her mate's indiscetions at least once, then maybe the other half in the relationship is the lucky one when it is over!
Agreed, well said.
At various times in my life, I have been the one cheating and the one being cheated on. Quite honestly, neither one feels very good. Cheating may provide an initial boost to the ego ("Yay! I still have it"), but the hit to the sense of self-worth and integrity down the road is far more powerful and long lasting. So, for me, cheating is off the table, but the physical desires one sometimes develops for persons other than a spouse can be hard to overcome, both for females and males. Early on in my relationship with my wife, we agreed to adopt an open marriage. There are rules, of course, but it has worked very well (we're celebrating our 13th anniversay this weekend).
Basically, it isn't cheating if your spouse gives you the "okay".
You got cheated on. It isn't the worse thing that will ever happen to you. Move on and get over it. Or don't. Walk away and end the relationship. Either way, stop analyzing it.
People do bad things. People do good things. Accept both equally.
BlueK
That is such an insensitive thing to say. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes before telling others how to deal with betrayal.
Thank you River, well said. I am quietly surprised at how many positive comments there are in this thread.
There is on such thing as 'cheating'. Men and women are brought together to share love. That is it, nothing more, nothing less.
CORRECTION: There is no such thing as 'cheating'. Men and women are brought together to share love. That is it, nothing more, nothing less.
The post of the woman saying that cheating saved her marriage made me sick to my stomach. As being a man who just went through an emotionally painful divorce I can say that I was in the same boat as this unknowing husband. My wife of 13 years decided that there was no excitement and was having an emotional affair on facebook with a man halfway around the world. At first she was happier and seemed better until I stumbled across her lie. I was hurt and jaded. In her mind she had convinced herself that this was the right thing to do and as long as I didn't know it would be fine. She even went as far as to plan a meeting with this man. There was one post that I read that said "prepare to be judged" that is an understatement. She has been shunned by her family and friends and our children are in shock and dont have any respect for her. As for me I have a lot of healing to do. I was faithful the entire time. Did I ever have feelings or interests for others. You bet I did but I did not act on them because it was not right. It is morally wrong and I could knowingly hurt someone that I care so much about like that. I know that I will recover eventually. My kids hopefully will recover. In the mean time she gets to know what its like to be in the work force again and struggle to meet ends meet. I can't say that I feel sorry for her.
Good luck to you Michael and I pray your kids recover – so many victims in cheating.
I'm with you Michael. I heard that crap from my wife when I caught her cheating–she even brought up some vile garbage about an "open marriage". I swear that was as close as I have come to striking someone in anger since I was in the 5th grade. If it was supposed to make the marriage better then the wife would have come out and told the husband before jumping into someone else's bed. And that goes for you too pistachio. Ask yourself this question: Is what you're doing something you feel compelled to hide and lie about? Then guess what, it's wrong. And the post hoc equivocations about "helping" your marriage are BS and you know it.
3 classic oxymoron’s: Jumbo Shrimp, Holy War, and Honest Women.
let's just remember too that all of these comments are coming from the "logical" side of your brain and not the animalistic part of your brain. When that part takes over, all of the best intentions don't matter. It's "oh wow he/she's hot and I want him/her right now." Then, in the aftermath, he brings you flowers and you have a great romantic night and oh maybe he's changed...I'll forgive him just this once. Why do you think I had FTD on retainer?
Some women are just a promiscuous as some men. Our society seems to like to vilify men, so men get the lion's share of bad press.
My wife started to cheat on me. Her email relationship with her ex-husband evolved into meeting him at a bar and planning to meet him more in the future, but a disgruntled employee called me one day and let me in on what had been transpiring.
It was crushing. And it explained her meanness, her confrontational moods, the lack of any passion or affection from her. I hid it long enough to go through her emails, phone records, and bills to confirm what I'd been told.
I would have left her, but we had three smalI children, so instead I confronted her. She lied about why she had met him, and on some level I knew it, but I wanted so bad for it to not be true that I accepted her story at first. She backed off the relationship, but I found later that she took several months to finally stop conversing with him. And she never apologized or even admitted wrong-doing.
And so I kept it all inside for years. It was slowly poisoning me, making me bitter, cold, calculating, all of which go against my nature. After 5 years, I had a melt down. We talked, I cried, and I think she finally got it that she'd really, really hurt me. She finally admitted that she'd wronged me, and she sincerely apologized. It's been a year since that talk, and we're doing a lot better, but the scar is still there and I can honestly say it affects everything. Nothing is as good as it ought to be simply because her complete disregard for me, which went on for so long, colors every interaction, good or bad. I figure it always will. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
Thanks for reading this.
Hang in there, man. You sound like a good, strong individual, devoted to your children and more loyal to your wife than many men would be in the same situation. I'm certain that you are an excellent role-model for your children and that, more than anything else, is what defines us as humans. Stay strong, brother.
Steve,
I feel the same way. Mine spouse has apologized, but nothing will ever be the same again. I trusted and I had opportunity to cheat, but I didn't and I remained faithful. So many "why's". It has been 3 months since I found out and I find some days I can barely breathe.
Good luck and God bless
Big hug from people who care, people whom are the 'good people' out there – there'd be no human civilization without them. That you're there for your kids Steve is your current quest and it's an awesome one! When they're old enough to know, maybe early 20's!
You can tell them you're off onto your own life and place, sans Mom, and you can tell them then?
FOR NOW BUCK UP AND BE HAPPIER, YOU'RE AN AWESOME DAD WHO LIKE KRAMER VS KRAMER IS WORKING HARD AND LOVING YOUR KIDS ARDUOUSLY! You are your kids' hero, Steve! I know thousands'd join me wishing you the best of luck!!!!!, on a Hero's path.
Mitch I don't know you but my heart goes out to you. Stay strong brother. You can forgive her if you want to. But don't feel bad for remembering. And know that even though it might scar, the wound can heal.
Steve, you're a better man than I. I'd have stayed for the kids too (if I had any,) but there's no way I could have been as gracious and stoic around a confirmed and obliviously guiltless cheater for as long as you were. You and your kids deserve better, whether that means you finding someone new or her miraculously evolving into someone worth keeping. I hope for your sake that the nice guy doesn't finish last this time. Good luck.
I've noticed in a long personal study that men and women act differently in the subject matter of a relationship. A Woman looks at a potential mate for the sake of what can she gain, whereas a man looks at a potential mate for what can he get. While men are known to be promiscuous, women are just as much. The difference in behavior is that men will have a broad scope of potential mates before he settles down and becomes committed to one which he'll want to stay with. Granted this process can continue until he absolutely sure he picked the right one. Women they fixate to one man until they can settle down, then begin to look for other potential mates.
Really the issue of cheating is just skewed. Men cheat physically to gain something he isn't getting from his partner. He looks to fill a deficiency his partner isn't filling. Women cheat emotionally. They go and find a new man that they are more emotionally attracted to than their current partner. It has nothing to do with filling a deficiency, its all about the new man "feels" right and her current doesn't or feels "less" right. When it comes down to what is more "Harmful" a man will cheat to in the hopes of getting something from the new partner and return to his old. A Woman looks to replace her current man.
While it may seem that women cheat more maliciously than men, this simply is not true. Malicious would imply the woman intended to hurt the man, this simply is not true. When it comes to pairing women view the process differently than men. while men view it like simple undertaking women view it as if it were a life choice, and it can very-well end up that way. As a result women can look at her partner and simply not find him up to par and in her mind the relationship is over as she'll actively search for a new partner. Any relation ship she has with another man will not (in her mind) be considered cheating. A man will find a deficiency in his partner such as a physical or personal trait that his current partner lacks. Once he's had his fill of the trait or quality he's willing to return to his partner.
All cheating is is a balancing act, nothing more nothing less. When a partner is not satisfying their other, they will seek it. Its natural human behavior.
Dang, that's a cute knee under the table in the picture.
this pistachio person.. i read all your comments. youre delusional and wrong and you need Christ.
delusional
Those of you calling other people names and wishing harm ought to be ashamed. Should I hold someone who wishes another human being death via venereal disease in higher regard than someone who cheats? Get real.
I cheated on my wife. married now for 24yrs. I, at the time, didn't feel I was getting enough "affection". what's so sad is that i call myself a Christ follower. Yes, i tried to talk to my spouse, many times. I tried to relay that I needed more intimacy. But, she alway found other more important things to do, seemingly. Honestly, it wasn't worth it. And later found; through communication, that she'd reasons for her actions. It's called: being a wife/mom. I feel I'm the worst of people. No, I'm not presently committing adultery. I figured, from experience, that Pistachio would answer most of you the way she did. She's found a way to numb her guilt. Honestly, you won't reach her by casting stones. I know, I'm a dog, maggot, worst of human being. I want, even now to tell my wife, but don't want to hurt her. Where was all this remorse b4 I messed up? It was hidden under ignorant selfishness. How would I feel if I found out she committed the same act. Dont know; very terrible i believe. But, obviously, I think I'd forgive. I do love her dearly. I also try to give her everthing she needs. The first of which; is a faithful husband from here on out.
Good outlook, Regretful. Forget the past and don't tell her – you're NOW living for HER and your kids!!, the way it should be?
Backslap, keep up the good work; you're now your kids and wifes and their moms' hero, pal. So great for them 'you're back', and take the 'images of the carnage' to the grave without talking of them – that's the steel in the new hero-you's velvet and steel.
The world ONLY respects the soldiers that fought their backsides off and the war over, they come home and don't talk about the carnage and horrific events, rather they smile and work hard and love their family all the more, if anything!
The pansies, the weak and forlorn 'blubber about poor them', 'how tough it is', so their self indulgent, not self-LESS, as the hero you now are, are.