 |
|||||||||||
|
|||||||||||
April 8th, 2011
12:56 PM ET
What you told us about women, infidelityIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
My intention was not to downplay the danger of male infidelity, or to unfairly demonize female infidelity, but rather to offer the observation that men and women frequently cheat for different reasons, and that by the time a woman has reached the point of infidelity she’s often emotionally vacated her primary relationship, making it all the harder to engage in a meaningful process of recovery. On that point, an important theme that came through loud and clear in the comments was that there is a pervasive double standard in society when it comes to infidelity in general, and that women are encouraged (via media and often by their female peers) to suck it up and stick it out, whereas men do not experience the same pressure to forgive and forget. Wrote one commenter: “I had a debate on this a couple of months ago and most of the men said a woman should not cheat, but that she should accept a man's cheating as normal. A few of the men said cheating was wrong for both parties and obviously, all of the women said cheating was wrong for both parties. Nearly all of the men said they would leave their woman if she cheated on them while nearly all of the women said they would give their man another chance.” This double standard ends up doing a lot of damage: Many women that would like to leave and probably should leave often end up staying, and conversely many men who would like to potentially stay and work it out cannot find an authentic support system, or a way of transcending the blow to their ego. Another persistent theme in the comments was the pain of infidelity, regardless of which sex is doing the cheating. Infidelity packs multiple blows: There's not only the trauma of the infidelity itself, but also the web of lies and deceit often perpetuated in the aftermath. Many, if not most, couples do choose to stay together post-infidelity, but that doesn’t mean that their relationship ever truly recovers. Infidelity cuts deep and leaves a scar (if you’re lucky); the alternate is an open wound that never heals. With infidelity, the couples who recover are not the ones who forgive and forget, but rather “forgive and remember,” and use that memory to stay committed to the process of transparency. In yesterday’s article I wrote “cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play” and throughout the explosion of comments it was truly invigorating to being reminded of the other side: Not everyone cheats “I am a woman who has never cheated and never will. I have more respect for myself than that. The one man who did cheat on me? I walked away from and never looked back. All woman (sic) don't cheat. Neither do all men.” Well said, and thank you everyone!
Next entry »Overheard: Jeremy Irons against smoking bans
« Previous entryWhat the Yuck: Mercury poisoning from sushi?
|
  About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love. Recent Comments
 |
||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||
© 2012 Cable News Network. Turner Broadcasting System, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
| Advertise with us | About us | Help | Advertising Practices
I just have to shake my head. I was raised to respect my heart and that of the one who I gave my heart too. To me if I cheated on him, I would literally be violating my own heart. That's how bad it would hurt me if I cheated on him. He on the other hand, has baggage from his past of being hurt... and he endlessly accuses me of cheating on him... the irony is that I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone cheat on him. To me that is just the epitome of evil and immorality in a relationship. I wouldn't want it done to me, and would never consider doing it to anyone I'm committed to. If he cheated on me, I'd leave him in a heartbeat. These people who stay in the relationship after infidelity need to grow a backbone... leave them!!!! They don't love you!!! You can't cheat on someone and then go back and say you loved them!!!! You didn't love them enough. And the reputations of people that cheat end up hurting people like me. No good deed goes unpunished in this world.
Right there with you. I have been cheated on by a few women and have never nor will I ever cheat on someone I am with. to me that's the worst thing you can do to a person.
If he's accusing you of cheating, you had better start paying attention!! My wife thought I was having an affair and wasn't Turns out she later did have an affair within about 2 years and kicked me and my 23 years of marriage to her to the curb. Now we are getting a divorce and it is the single most devastating process I've ever been through, in all my 54 years.
I thought a person had to be dead and in hell to hurt this bad. I am completely emotionally crippled
Mark
Women tend to go for something young, no wrinkles or bald spots or beer belly's. Regarding women cheaters, the older guys are out of luck unless you are real wealthy.
I did my best to forgive and move on. We lasted 1 session in marriage counseling when she said she wouldn't go back. I think the counselor offended her when she was told that having an affair is wrong.
She didn't have an affair because she wanted that other person. She had an affair because she didn't want to be in a marriage. If she wasn't sleeping with the guy she was, she would have been sleeping with someone else.
J, I'm right there with you. Except we never made it to marriage counseling because she refused. Although I should have seen it coming, since she cheated on me in the past and I forgave her. What hurts the most are the lies. I've never cheated and I never will. I took my vows seriously. People shouldn't say "I do" if they don't really mean it. When your spouse has an affair it's probably one of the worst feelings in the world.
Whenever a person is so absolute they are always wrong. First thing anybody needs to ask is why, then make a decision, the person that leaves a person without evening finding out why is the person who truly does not love.
He's cheating on you. Accusers have a guilty heart. I used to accuse my boyfriends of cheating at every turn– it's because I knew what I was up to– sorry.
Geez, you guys are tightly wound. Been with my wife 4 years, married 2. I found out she was getting some on the side, so I did too and she knew about it. Each affair lasted about 3 months and burned out. Didn't like her fooling around, but it wasn't the end of the world, and I took the opportunity to get some new stuff (and it was fun). Life goes on, we're still together, and we love each other a lot.
It is a curious situation, where we want the comfort and security that a close connection such as marriage can bring. And then, almost inexplicably this comfort and security often fades into the background as we plod along in the task of living. Soon we claim to feel "unfulfilled"; "lack excitement" and so on. We convince ourselves that we have done all that we could to maintain the relationship while the reality of a marriage is the levels of work it takes to maintain the ideal the haven of marraige can be for two people. One level of work is day-to-day material living: the cars and heat running, the bank statements balanced, good meals and a sound home. Another level of work is day-to-day physical living: having and sharing an assurance with the other that the cars will get to the shop, the furnace will be cleaned, the bookkeeping will be done, clothes will be clean, healthy groceries and meals will be served, and so on. Another level of work is the day-to-day spiritual living: having and sharing with someone the things and matters of the mind and soul. Human beings don't willingly enter a relationship to not have a chance to share on this level – that is being connected with another person on a level that transcends dirty laundry or good running cars. It can be old black & white movies or "date night" or maybe even political campaigning together. Who knows? Only those two people can make sound choices for the mind and sould work that is pleasing to them. Another level is the day-to-day work of recognition: having someone who you have invested enough of your time and observation to understand the intellect of the individual; to honor each of the other's talents or maybe even the lack of certain talents; to see the value to both to advocate and assist the other in honorable pursuits even if it is not a choice you might make for yourself (gardening, fishing, music, sports, volunteerism, etc.)
It IS a lot of work and responsibility to want and to have another person sharing your life with you. If anyone enters into such an arrangement and doesn't think certain levels of care and cultivation are necessary that need to be applied regularly to keep the arrangement alive and well for any duration is not being honest with themselves or the other person. It would be as if we bought a fine car or house and did nothing to maintain it. Then, when the paint started to peel and the motor sputtered we set it aside and set out to get a new one telling ourselves "It was fine when I got it. I don't really know why it's not working. So, I think the best thing to do is get another." (aka: Infidelity) Meanwhile, the same foundations for the problem can now start all over again.
It's weird but it happens. And for many of us, we seem almost oblivious to it as it happens right before us. So, if having the security and comfort of sharing your space and time with someone can bring: make some time together to see a local ball game, go see a community music event, serve dinners at a homeless shelter – then go home and take a bath together and make love in the warmth and safety of the world you work so hard for. It's your reward. Don't be denied.
I used to think that if women cheated that they had truly developed an emotional bond with a new man and had emotionally left their spouse. After 7 years of real life study I have discovered that it is not true. Women get drunk and lose their will power to not goof around just like men do. And they go home and no one ever knows the difference. On those occasions, it is different than an affair and probably less painful, but it's still cheating and trust me, women cheat as often as men.
This double standard thing is totally in the eyes of the FEMALE beholders.
Infidelity shows no favorites, male or female, there is no double standard except in the mind of women!
Tom
I'm so tired of people blaming alchol as the reason they cheated on someone, "oh I got drunk and it just happended", Bull@#*%, if you love or care about someone then you wouldn't do something like that to them, PERIOD. People need to have some integrity smacked back into them, if you don't want to be faithful then don't get into a relationship, STUPID.
Joe and "A Realist"
Your views are so refreshing! I am guilty of cheating on my husband whom I LOVE with all my heart. But we've been together since we were kids, and at one point in my life, I was vulnerable. Our marriage was in a weak spot, and I ended up in a situation I couldn't quite slow down fast enough (yes, alcohol was involved). This event essentially opened the floodgates for me, and while I haven't slept with anyone, I've had more than my fair share of wrongdoings. My husband knows about a couple of them, and I am so sorry I hurt him. It wasn't about him at all. Sometimes, I was just too weak to stop it. I love him, and I'm so grateful to him for not throwing away our marriage and our life together, because there isn't anyone on the planet I'd rather spend my life with.
First problem with this article, is that it's full of lies, and liars.
No rational adult male would suggest that a woman not cheat, and simply accept his cheating. Maybe you should stop interviewing teens/college students/gangster rappers, and talk to some ADULT men that understand the gravity of a relationship.
Women, stop whining. Media encourages women to just sit there and take one on the chin? No, you're right, when I watch Snooki on Jersey Shore shamelessly banging a random guy from a random bar everynight, I worry that our young girls and women aren't going to understand the "double standard" at all.
You just compared Snooki to every respectable ADULT woman out there.
^ most logical statement i've heard all day
You jus made the exact same generalization in your statement.
Well John if you watch Snooki, then there is half your problem already, lol. Adults DON'T watch that garbage.
Are these replies from women that are mad because he told you to quit whining? Read what he said he didn't compare ADULT women to snooki he was making an observation that things like Jersey Shore are the reason that cheating is so common these days, and he is correct. Teenage minds are easily persuaded and when these overgrown kids on Jersey Shore are glorified and paid rediculus amounts of money to act like fools. What do you thing the teenage girls AND boys learn from it? Not saying that good parenting doesn't prevent every kid from turning into a cheating, drunken idiot, just that there are many that do bc we as a society allow them to learn these actions as being ok or normal behavior.
And an even bigger concern is that teens are turning to television, movies and sports to find role-models and not their own parents.
@arowell: How could you possibly hope that any person would comprehend, much less side with, any point you were attempting to make? Your post is so rife with spelling and grammatical errors, you completely obfuscate your nihilistic and rhetorical arguments to the point that they become completely devoid of meaningful content. Most search toolbars come with spell checkers. I suggest using them.
@jay...yes i do think people will understand exactly what i am saying as the post directly under mine proves it so. Does is make you feel better to try an bash my post simply because you found a couple of works spelled wrong or that you think you have a better vocabulary than me? It is you my friend that has used so many of your "big" words (and yes i do know what they mean) that you will send many people do a dictionary or more likely ignore your low esteem post bashing. So thank you for your comment, but if this is not the topic here so politely GTFO.
@ Jay... you're a pedantic tool
@chet "The message is the medium." – Marshall McLuhan
To be radically facetious, I will agree with you and hereby state that the proper use of grammar and spelling has little or no place in today's 160 character-based communication paradigm.
Snooki = STD Marathon..."where it's just a matter of time".
I imagine her several years from now wearing an undersized t-shirt, skin leathered by excessive sun, running an arcade game on the boardwald or better yet, a janitor in Atlantic City. Sorry, Snooki. When your youth and your eyeliner runs out I am afraid your fan base will too. Maybe there will be a reality show for this phase of your life when you get there.
The reason men leave a cheating wife is because men know that if she's cheating, she has already emotionally left. On the other hand, women stay because they know men often cheat without investing all of his emotion. Studies have been done since studies began that show men cheat for different reasons and can compartmentalize it. Whereas, women are all in. It's not about a double standard, it's about the reality of who we are and how we function. Add in all the social rules and we begin to approach the way things "ought" to be rather than the way things "are."
So true... Very well put... What you wrote will go way over so many heads as they have their minds set differently, you are trying to baffle them with pure facts
Women stay many times because of financial issues and for the children.
You are so far from the fact. There are plenty of women who can separate emotions and relationships. I know some (but not a well as I'd like
who have a husband they are deeply in love with and yet keep a lover or two on the side because her libido needs it; To try and paint men and women as two different emotional beings is asinine.
completely agree
I think women also tend to stay because their emotional fidelity tends to overrule their pride while men's pride overrules their emotional wants.
But enough of this rational talk; hang all the cheaters!
Well, played, Ken. You summarized a paragraph or two of the author's original article and simply restated in a more concise manner. Your 7th grade English teacher would be oh so proud. I'm sure we all would welcome an original thought or two from you, should one materialize in that overwhelmingly creative mind of yours.
I don't think thats it...i'v taken home girls i met on the first night from bars to later find out they had boyfriends. You can't become emotionally invested after a few drunken hours in a bar. Everyone is different. Get over it.
They definitely stay for the financial security. But staying for the kids? They don't care about the kids. If they did they wouldn't be selfishly cheating in the first place.
Ian,
Well done. Thank you writing today's much more inclusive, and thereby responsible column!
And the way things "ought" to be is to man up/woman up and be faithful or don't get married. What makes a marriage work is putting the other before self. And it does work. I have studied it, watched it, and have been successful at it for 29 years. Selfishness is what ruins marriage.
Very mature comment, you are right
I agree. Selfishness ruins a marriage. Marriage is about putting someone else, if not before you, then right along side you and treating them the same way you'd wish to be treated. That's being a mature adult. Anyone else should not get married...
Couldn't agree more. Having my 10 year this Sunday.
With infidelity, the couples who recover are not the ones who forgive and forget, but rather “forgive and remember,”
Well put. To "forget" means it didn't really mean much to begin with, and infidelity is a HUGE deal. Loved this follow-up article.
I agree about the forgive and remember point. When my now ex-husband asked me if I was ever going to forgive him; my response was that I had already forgiven him but I would never forget. That cut is way too deep to not see/feel that scar until the day I die.
I have to agree with most of what "shaking my head" wrote, but I will say from personal experience, simply packing up and leaving is not always the right thing, nor the easiest thing to do. I was married with four children, mine, his and ours.....including a baby 3 months old when I discovered he was cheating. The pain is still memorable after more than 20 years, but I stayed, tried to work it out for the sake of the children, but the marriage ultimately failed. Having said this, I think each situation is different. I personally would never cheat on my husband because it is immoral and very hurtful. But even after my personal experience, I would say to couples going through this, look at your own personal situation and talk about it between yourselves, after the anger subsides......do not let others influence your decision. They do not live in your marriage and they will not have to live with the consequences of your decision.
Cheating is less of a relationship problem then an individual problem. Men and women who cheat have low self esteem and are stressed out because they are not measuring up to the standards they created for themselves. Typical reasons: they don't look, have job success or make as much as money like they had hoped. Instead of dealing with their own issues they look outside themselves for affirmation from strangers that they are desirable and target their relationships, the people who really know them, to blame for their own failures. A cheater will cheat again if they don't find a healthy way to deal with their problems. It reminds me of over eaters and people who drink too much. They are also trying to fill an emotional void knowing very well what they are doing is ruining their lives. For the people who are cheated on, it brings them down to the same miserable level as the cheater and their self esteem takes a beating. It's hard to do, but they have to remember it has nothing to do with them.
Agreed – Cheating isn't the problem. It's a symptom of the problem.
Very astute.
Having watched a number of friends have their lives destroyed by the extra marital affairs of a spouse I can say that both are just as devastating. I do know from being in a wonderful committed marriage for over a quarter century that it takes work and total commitment. Having raised our kids to know the difference it still amazes me at the constant bombardment all around them to throw caution to the wind and sleep with whomever grabs their fancy that night. It makes me angry and afraid for the future generations that want that love they are looking for when no one seems willing to committed.
I know from watching that whether it's the man or the woman who cheats it is devastating to both parties. I have a number of friends living with that scar in their lives and it is one that simply never completely heals
You can admit it, you have lust in your heart.
Unfortunately, I am the husband who has seen this. My wife became involved with some man she met on facebook. I had not cheated on her, but the temptation from facebook was obviously too much. The man, it turns out is quite accomplished at this and has done it numerous times before. And several times since her. The last 10 months have been disasterous. The damage done to our family is enormous. Our children have become aware and this created a huge divide in the home. Now as the end nears and divorce proves to be inevitable, I have to wonder if anyone, man or woman understands what this does to the innocent ones caught up?
Very unfortunate Alex but like you had mentioned, the impact is devistating...but not unrecoverable. So with the "inevitable" taking place, your focus and and energy will need to be on your children. You have to go from being a strong father to even stronger. I wish you and your family the very best moving forward.
"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again."
- Flavia Weedn
In reply to Alex (or any other person whose spouse has left them): don't give up on your marriage, your spouse, or your family. With appropriate counseling, prayer, and the conviction to renew your commitment to your marriage vows, you can learn to "forgive and remember", as Ian Kerner wrote in the article. You can reconcile and move on to a happier life and marriage. "Love" is a feeling, a choice that ebbs and flows over time, as the chemicals & hormones in your body rage one way or the other. A marriage is a covenant; a commitment and conscious choice. Even when you don't "feel" like loving the other person, the commitment gets you through the rough patches. You didn't start a marriage, or your family, as a temporary diversion; they are life commitments. So if your spouse or children are defeated by temptation (by alcohol or drug addiction, gambling...or the sin of adultery, in this case), do you abandon them...or try to save them? Look at www(dot)divorcebusting(dot)com o4 www(dot)rejoiceministries(dot)org.
Go to marital counseling, even by yourself, to start. And by counseling, be careful not to choose a "quack" who says s/he is a "marriage" counselor just because they're willing to meet with two people at one time-seek out a licensed 'marriage" counselor/therapist who has an interest and good track record of helping couples deal with their pain and stay together.
Bottom line: regardless if you believe in the "devil" or not, don't let him easily take the joy that belongs to your family and you. It's never too late. And that reconciliation can start with you; work on strengthening & changing yourself, to be a better man & father. Don't be fooled by the "disposable marriage" fantasy, and "there are other fish in the sea" rhetoric that radio, TV, & mags (and our communities) pass off as commonplace, "normal", or healthy...it's not. Don't think that people who make mistakes (as we all do) cannot repent, redeem themselves, and turn their lives around...they can. Learn to (and do) forgive your spouse & children -every- day, for anything they've done to hurt you.
Alex, my heart aches for you and your family. You asked what it does to the innocents? My parent cheated on the other multiple times & I am the only one who knows. I have younger siblings and an otherwise fabulous family that I feel I would be responsible for ruining if I were to tell my father of my mother's infidelity. I've known for 6 years and have suffered greatly. Many of my friends' parents have gotten divorces through the years and I've had to sit and listen as my friends tell me "I don't know what it is like." or that I "couldn't understand". It's been incredibly isolating & psychologically tormenting. To your children, just let them know that you love them. & I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that they know it is not their fault and that you are there for them.
Positive vibes, well wishes & prayers,
L.
So sorry Alex. I can imagine your wife will inevitable regret the huge mistake she has made, and that you will grow stronger and heal. Please know that we are not all weak and selfish woman.
A few years ago – a clinic in Portland, Oregon did a study. They asked couples coming in for Pregnancy care if there blood samples could be used for further anonymous statistical analysis. They were not informed of the results – but it was found that about 13% of the Men who THOUGHT they were the FATHERS – were NOT. Women – according to a Recent study admit to being willing to Cheat TWICE as often as men. It would SEEM that they are simply BETTER at keeping it QUIET.
As someone who has been thru many marriage counseling sessions as well as listening daily to a counseling show online, almost all of what you said was spot on in the first article.. Unfortunately as I was reading it I knew there would be tons of uninformed readers willing to spew their "theories" of reality as opposed to what professional counselors have studied and observed thru their thousands of hours of counseling sessions. My hat goes off to you for trying to enlighten those who chose to zero in on a word or two and run with that...
I'm quite ashamed of this, but I had an affair with a married man and have felt the regret and disgust of my choice every day (as I should). What's odd, is that the entire time we were together, I never really respected him because he was cheating on his wife and kids and marriage vows (yes, I understand the irony and what that also says about me). So although I don't have data or research to support my perspective – only my one experience – his rationale was that as long as he took care of her by providing a home, income, food, took her to movies, events, acted the family man, etc., then it wasn't "totally" wrong in his eyes. But he once mentioned that he'd leave his wife if she ever cheated on him. I asked him about his double standard and his take on it was that male ego can't handle a cheating woman, as it's a direct hit to their "manhood", whereas a woman looks at the situation holistically, thinking about the impact on the kids, wanting to keep the "security" of the family together, and wanting to keep their financial security. I'm not supporting his statement, but I wonder how many man view this in the same way.
Today's comments are certainly less juvenile than yesterday's were. The finger-pointing and whining between the stereotypical "sleazy, misanthropic man-child" and "delusional, self-important cow" have finally blown over. Thank goodness that there are still a few adults in here. Yesterday's article made valid points, but with questionable phrasing choices that served more to trigger yesterday's hate-fest than to get people to think. I feel that Mr. Kerner successfully addressed this issue today. Cheating is cheating, whether you're simply a hornball with no self-discipline or someone who doesn't have the guts to keep fighting for the necessary emotional connection at home. Either way, it points out a level of immaturity and inability to hold oneself accountable and accept consequences. Rather than leaving with what remains of their dignity, they stick around and live a lie. It's not about being male or female–it's about the id versus the superego, and being a true adult human being instead of a fertile, overgrown child. Women have been cheating just as long as men, regardless of approach....and just like men, the good ones don't do it.
I think I spoke too soon....it seems the idiots have returned for round 2. We've even made the dubious jump from infidelity to politics already. In light of this sad excuse for discourse, I'm trying to decide between having a stiff drink and praying that these morons don't breed. Maybe I'll do both.
Cheating is just wrong in any marriage regardless of who does it. Sure many people go with the 3 strikes rule, and then you're out. Cheating though is one of those where if either side does it, there is no 3 strike rule, instead the game's simply called off and it's all over.
A husband cheating on his wife is the same as a wife cheating on her husband and neither are excusable. If things aren't going well and you can't solve it, then terminate the marriage, period. Sure many people will still stay together and I don't know how they can still trust the other. I divorced my ex because she made out with another guy and told me. I respected her for telling me, but even that kiss was enough for me to say no more thanks and I filed for divorce that week...
So how far did that get ya buddy? People make mistakes idiot.
Wow, that just seems cruel. Maybe you aren't telling the whole story here...Gosh I hope so. I do agree that kissing is cheating, but I just can't believe that you'd throw it all away for one mistake.
The problem here is what's happened in just about every corner of America – complete LOSS of morals. This is brought about and "dignified" by the lack of standards that the demolibtards have and willfully currupt the very fabric of America. It's not just one item – there are literally a thousand items on the list of things that the demolibtards have vilified and destroyed from morals to the nuclear family and being superior or excelling at something. Demolibtards who live and suffer from seeing themselves as inadequate – then they bring the world around them DOWN to thier own level of insignificance.
.....And adultry should be punishable by death. When you get married you give yourself to your other FULLY – there is no me or her or him or I – it is US and WE. If you don't understand this prior to getting married then by all means file for separation or divorce prior to infidelity – but yes if you cheat, you and the person you cheat with should be put to death – with no appeals or dragging it out in the courts.
your an idiot..
And for this very reason we need more evangelicals preaching the good book on tv, 24/7. Can i get an amen?
Your a dumb-. "Demolibtards"?? Let's see, David Vitter from Louisiana (reelected to 6-year term this November)
-Mitch McConnell from Kentucky (Senate Minority Leader)
-South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford
-Colorado Governor Bill Owens (his pregnant mistress moved into the Governor’s mansion)
-Newt Gingrich(3 wives, cheated on the first 2!)
-Phil Gramm
-Bob Dole
All Republicans. Thanks.
Your fanaticism has a touch of pathological defect about it. You should see someone about wanting to murder people for making mistakes.
I am faithful and I know he is faithful to me because we both love ourselves and respect each other. We have our downs and our temptations but we are embedded in each others hearts. When things get rough, we dont turn away or walk away, we communicate and continue to have faith. This is a model for all couples out there.
I think the die is typically cast before a marriage or relationship begins. If someone was promiscuous (or attempted to be) before a relationship, they will likely revert to their old ways in the search for "variety" or validation. They will always be in search of that old flame's sense of humor, another ex's looks, the high school sweetheart's energy, the college fling's body, the office romance's money. At some point, you just can't compete with someone's entire history of emotional and physical attachments–you will lose eventually as they go off in search of the best of all their possible worlds. This is why our culture of promiscuity ends up hurting everyone–if you'll give yourself to almost anyone, you must not have been worth much to begin with.
I don't think woman cheating is necessarily worse than a man cheating. Some individuals may be hurt more and some may be more willing to forgive. Once you're willing to take that step of betrayal, there are no shades of wrongness. A dark pit of misery.
Trust first, then love. Period.
there's an old saying, if she cheats once, she'll cheat again, nothing is nastier than watching a random fragment of condom fly out of her. Further, a man doesn't get accidentally pregnant from another woman and blames it on the woman of his choice. I've never cheated on my women, and find it utterly disgusting to think that a woman has left over liquid in her from a cheating relationship. women and men that cheat should get sent to another planet so they can all bamboozle each other as one big twisted family!
Its so nice to know you've never cheated on any of your women. You must have quite a herd by now. Which one was the first you married and what does she think of your plural marriage?
You should have wrote this article yesterday – looking at the real issue and not pointing fingers....sensationalism does not work when you are dealing with real problems – a fact that the American media is beginning to realize slowly but surely...
If my wife cheats on me and I find it out.It is over. When your wife cheats on you, and she keeps you to pay the bills or financial reasons. Her heart belongs to someone else. There is no love anymore.A man cheats is totally wrong. But i must admit it we as men need to continu treating our women with ongoing love. It is so hard for men to keep it up, and we need women to step us and let us know how they feel before the can damage the relationship. I don't care she is Oprah with money, or the most beautiful woman you are, I am gone.We (men) must force to change the law of marriage because regardless a woman cheats,and get divorce, the court is favored her regardless most of the time. When you need on your man, the next man does not want because he thinks you can do the same with other man. Before cheating, talk and help your man to get better because dont destroy what you have.
This article was much better. Yesterday's made me hopping mad. Women don't cheat for love and men for thrills. People of both types cheat for lots of reasons. I still insist that if the couple isn't passionate with each other upon occasion and the relationship is more about the kids, then both parties are more likely to cheat.
Yah BigNick, cause Republicans are the model or morality, like Newt, Sanford, McCain......
I cheated on my first husband over ten years ago. My first mistake was marrying him. He was verbally abusive and his behavior just deteriorated over the course of our three year marriage. I was so happy in my affair, because I felt really special. I told him about it and he wanted to try and work it our, but I knew then that I just didn't like him, let alone love him. I think my cheating was the coward's way out for me – how better to kill a relationship? Thankfully, we had no children – I just packed my clothes and dog, signed over the house to him with all the furniture and left. I am now married with children and we are very happy. If I could do it all over, after making the getting married to him mistake, I wouldn't cheat – I would just end the marriage.
In Reply to Mark's comments above, I totally agree with everything you say. I got divorced 1.5 years ago, and the whole process took about five years, from initial separation through to divorce decree. In my research I have found the following: 75% of all divorces are originated by women. Men, believe it or not, suffer more, according to numerous experts. Simply put, I don't think society as a whole really understands the devastation that divorce causes and that there are longer-term effects of divorce that are going to take a few more years to recognize.
As a result of my experience, and the current statistic that 57% of all marriages end in divorce, I would never get married again.
If I had the time, I would campaign to change the marriage laws in all States so that marriage licenses are good for a five-year term. At the end of said term, the parties would be required to renew the marriage license. If either one opted out of the marriage, the default terms would be splitting all assets 50/50. This would, of course, not address the issue of child custody, which is a separate issue from assets.
This idea is not perfect, to be sure, but it would, in some measure, remind the parties every five years that their marriage cannot be ignored and has to be worked at. It would also greatly reduce the time and resource burdens on courts. It would also allow the parties to keep much more of their assets, instead of spending obscene amounts of money on divorce lawyers.
Just my opinion. Marriage laws were written back many, many years ago. That world just simply hasn't existed for a very long time.
Well written Brad....just a comment about the statistics. Women earned $.70 to the $ 1.00 a man makes. I'm only assuming here, but women with uproot more than men.....isn't this diminishing her earning potential but "starting over".....
My salary went down by $ 52,000.00/year when I was court ordered to go back to work. People believe that staying @ home with the kids is a luxary......hardest (and on a volunteer basis) job I ever had. I vote that the number of years women are out of work to tend to the children is worth $60,000.00 in divorce court.....THAT will halt quite a few men from leaving
I was married for 50 yrs to a most wonderful woman and never failed to provide for her and my family every need financially and emotionally. I loved my wife and only my wife. I cheated many times. She never knew. Didn't mean squat. There was NO WAY I would ever leave my wife. A stiff norman has no conscience and thats a fact. I did not initiate the majority of trists. The woman did. One look at my cute little son and girls and they wanted some of that action and thats the bottom line. They could give a flip if I was married or not. Did it stroke my male ego? You bet it did. I could walk on water without getting my socks wet. Am I repentful ? Not a chance. Would I have left my wife if she cheated on me ? In a heartbeat. I believe women must be emotionally attached to cheat whereas men do not. Do I care what you think about it ? Not a chance.
Ok, "Denise".................
Loser...
You are a wack job.
first of all, not buying you are a man. second of all, on the off chance that you are, i am SURE your wife cheats on you too, except your wife was probably smart enough to have a real affair, one that had meaning. so, while you were running all over town with every wh0re in town, your wife knew that, took your credit card, and when to meet the real man she loved.
Lets be honest – At least half of yesterday's comments were about me.
I have lived through cheating. But not according to my husband. He keep saying it was only a kiss, nothing else. Lunches and kiss. If I hadn't caught him in time who knows what else would've happened. He is angry every time I talk about how much it hurts. I caught him 2 months after we got married. What is that say? Also, after going to coucelling, he has admitted to cheat on his firs wife. So I do have to agree with the term once a cheater always a cheater. I have asked all the right questions, have discussions about being together and if he ever thought it's not for him I have told him from the beginning that just move on and let the other person live. Although it was kissing only, I can't tell you how much it hurt and he just won't accept that. According to him I should've been over it a month after. That's what his friends told him and also that I am blowing everything out of proportion. It was nothing. Sometimes I don't think people in general realize how much their actions can damage a person.
Dump the man, you owe him nothing and don't think he stopped cheating.
Seriously, move on. If he doesn't think your emotions matter over a kiss; he won't think they matter over something more.
He will cheat again....seriously only 2 months into the marriage. You guys didn't even make it past the "Honeymoon" stage.
A sign of people with no morals, respect for themselves, Family, spouse, No fear or Love for God.No boundries acting like animals. If your are not happy in your marriage, do not hurt your family with lies and excuses GET OUT!!, cheating is dirty back stabbing.
My wife communicated with an ex boyfriend with Facebook. She left our family with no warning and then was involved with a married man. You think you know someone but you really don't. Found nude photos of her sent to another man a so on. A real heartbreaker that will take years to recover from....if ever. Shame on all of those that are so selfish not to keep the promise they make.
BIGNICK was obviously cheated on and probably because he was not so big
There is nothing worse than stealing someone's trust (and heart). My girlfriend cheated on me and it was the most devastating experience of my life. I couldn't sleep for weeks, my job performance suffered, and I was filled with anger. Fortunately I moved on and have an incredible wife, but I will never forget how that felt.
Oh boy...infidelity can scar even the toughest of them. After leaving a city, family and career that I loved, I moved with a 1-year old child so that my husband could further his career with the family business. Lo and behold, his career wasn't the only thing that he was chasing. I guess that after your wife has gone through 28 hours of labor with both children, ended her career and moved for you, the decision must have come easy. So many lives are affected but before you move on to another person, close THAT chapter of the book. After 6 years, I have not been given an explanation, reason, cause. My children have questions for which I have no answers......ironically, I can't even leave this crummy state without his "permission"......guess he didn't need permission to make us all feel like crap.
I never thought I woud be a cheating wife – especially after 20 years of marriage. I never thought as a married woman I would sleep alone and have a withdrawn husband more interested in television and Bud Light. He is intelligent and attractive. I am intellingent, attractive, and enjoy life. We have a daughter who excells at school, sports, and community activities. Last year, I decided I have spent too much time wishing I could be doing something else than taking another class, cleaning out another cupboard, or reading another magazine article. We have gone to marriage counseling and he recognizes that he is depressed and has physical ailments, but will do nothing to address his health. I am not convinced that he has not cheated on me within the last five years. I love my husband, but have a lover (also married) that I spend time with on occassion. I thought at first I would feel guilty, but I do not. He gives me the physical closeness I crave without emotional entanglement. I feel desireable, attractive, and energized. We have the understanding that the relationship will terminate at any time one of us is ready. I would not recommend this to anyone – but I am also not interested in divorce. Our daughter will be going to college next fall; it is my hope that my husband and I will reconnect in some way.
I see where you are coming from ... and men do the same thing .. there are alot of wives out there that don't have a clue that their husbands has girlfriends ... alot of them do .... men need more than one woman and women are starting to do the same ...
I hope both of your spouses find out. Honestly, it sickens me that people want their own happiness so badly that they're willing to infringe upon other peoples. Does your cheating partner's wife even know?
First I define a "fling" or "serial flings" as having far less emotional content than an "affair".
One thing I am not seeing mentioned much here is the consequence of divorce when there is a young family involved, not to mention complicated finances.
If an "affair" occurs, as one did in my marriage, then I believe many options should be considered and attempted before walking away and into a whole new world of consequences. Adults mess up, but it's not an excuse for not following through on raising kids with less vs. more emotional upset.
If no kids and an "affair" then it's definitely bye bye and forget expending time and energy on trying to reconcile enough to be friends. Should I define my definition for "friend"? Kids can provide a different perspective, provide more time and help you enlist more resources...and spouses can return to respect, boundaries, transparency and a strong sense of friendship.
What about those of use who are children of divorced parents who cheated? Are we supposed to demonize our parents for what they did? I love & forgive my parents, but if we can't even trust that our parents were capable of doing the right thing, how can we trust ourselves?
This is not meant to be rude, but "I love & forgive my parents, but if we can't even trust that our parents were capable of doing the right thing, how can we trust ourselves?" sounds like an excuse to me. Nobody is perfect. You are lucky/unlucky enough to have witnessed the damage infidelity can bring first hand because of your parents. Don't repeat there mistakes. It's as easy as that. If you can't trust yourself then you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. Or at the very least wear your feelings on your sleeve, so your future/current partner knows what's in store.
@ BigNickDigger – YOU are a crazy stupid person. Email me on this topic – downstammy@ymail.com
Don't get married and you won't have to worry about it! Bring on the loose women!!!!
There is no excuse for cheating, it is what seperates the normal humans from most animals, and if you cheat or have cheated you are a loser plain and simple no matter who you are or how much you make. I only speak from the marriage point of view, if you are not married or engaged feel free to get all the herpes you want, at least that way you will know never to get married if you can't stay faithful in the first place. Paging Tiger Woods!
There are lots of reasons people, men AND women, cheat. At the risk of major internet backlash, I will even go so far as to say (not from personal experience, I assure you) that there are some, if not acceptable, at least very understandable reasons for cheating. Also quite a few awful ones. And perhaps one of the most painful aspects of a partner's infidelity is wondering why they did it, and whether or not you might be partly responsible as well.
So here's what I propose, don't worry about what your partner is doing, just be the best boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife you can be. Be companionable, be intimate, be loving, be kind, and be understanding. If you do this, and you some day find your partner is being unfaithful, you may safely spare yourself the further agony of doubt. You can walk away without regret, knowing that you gave that relationship your best, and the other person chose not to.
There are many double standards on this issue. One pervasive double standard is that when women cheat, it is the husbands fault. This theme is repeated over and over on television. The woman is portrayed as teh victim when she cheats for it is due to the husband ignoring her or emotionally abandoning her. I cannot remember the last time that I watched a television show about female infidelity and the woman was not portrayed as the sympathetic victim.
I sorry,but many people here are forgetting a lot about why people cheat.
From personal Experience I know that many factors go into cheating. One is family, maybe cheating mother father or acceptence when some does something wrong or just general family morals. Another factor is mental health, undiagnosed, bi polar is a prime example. There is almost always a reason whether seen or not. We do not live in other shoes so therefore only speculate how and why other do things. Even husbands and wives don't know why the partner does things. The partner many times does not either. Anyway it is a sad thing, but it is always going to continue.
@BigNickDigger EVERYONE, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME MY GOOD FRIEND GLENN BECK! Fresh off his gig with FoxNews, his new hobby includes responding to obscure Page Six CNN articles.
if your gonna cheat make it worth it...get three women at the same time together, if your a woman, get three women and let your husband watch!
It in our nature to cheat that's why Men(NO)pause!!! but women do.
To forgive cheating = to allow future cheating, unless you're stupid and are willing to be disrespected again. Don't be a doormat in a marriage or any relationship. There comes a point in life when you have to stand up for your principles. If it's not in the face of infidelity, then when?
I am happily married for 35yrs now. Several years ago a female tried to hit on me. Continuously I refused her advances. I kept saying "NO". She didn't get her way so she filed felony charges through the court system. I was never arrested, booked or fingerprinted or incarcerated for the false charges. The lawyers, prosecutors, law enforcement and judge collobrated a false charge against me. The legal fees to ligitate the case was overwhelming. I was given a choice through the courts to plea down the charge of ante up for more litigations. Needless to say our justice system is corrupt. I will tell you this much, if it wasn't for the patch between their legs there would be a bounty on them. Cheating is wrong, and many a cops are in cohabitation, as well as other government officials. Let's shut them down.
she can cheat as long as I get to pick the clients and make some side money. for her safety of course.
touche, ill take some of that action