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Female infidelity: It's different from the guys
April 7th, 2011
08:29 AM ET

Female infidelity: It's different from the guys

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.


In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating.  In recent years I’ve noticed a precipitous rise in the number of men who have been betrayed by adultery, and while there’s an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise, the trend doesn’t garner nearly as much attention as male infidelity  That’s surprising, because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.

It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings.

That’s not to say that men don't cheat  because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we’re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but  many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives.

That’s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt.  It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late.

While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that  among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work.

Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends."  Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming.

So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it?

-         She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings

-         She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive

-         She has less interest in sex with her partner

-         She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work

-         She seems happy, except when she's around her partner

-         She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family

-         There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her

-         She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time

Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other."  Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men—“boys will be boys,” as the adage goes—when they cheat. But as we’re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play.


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  1. Brain

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    April 18, 2014 at 22:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. Jose

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    April 19, 2014 at 04:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Patrica Edward

    THESE PEOPLE ARE SCAMS AND THEIR TESTIMONIES OF SPELL CASTERS MUST BE IGNORED.
    Dr Goodluck is the real spell caster. I tried all those people and I was really scammed until one day I came crying to my friend asking to help me with my confusion. She later told me about Dr Goodluck which my mind really urged me to give a try. She testified about how Dr Goodluck brought back her Ex-lover in less than 3 days and reversed the effect of her lost womb, and at the end of her story she gave me Dr Goodluck email address. I decided to give Dr Goodluck a try though with doubt. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my Hubby came begging. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than before, am pregnant now to God be the glory. Dr Goodluck is really a gifted man and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... Come to think of it I didn't pay much and all I have to do is tell the world about this wonderful man. Even my pastor said that God works mysteriously, that some men are used by God to help others. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Contact Dr Goodluck anytime, he is the answer to your problems. Here's his contact:drextrapowerghost@gmail.com

    April 19, 2014 at 06:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Sarah

    Sarah
    Getting my Ex back my name is Sarah. I've known Johnson for years, When we finally got together things were kind of weird so we broke up which was in February of 2011 In June of 2012 he and I recently got back together and we were together until march of 2013 which he told me he was not interested in relationship again During that time I changed completely, I wasn't eating,I was sleeping a lot, I wasn't talking to anybody, I cried a lot,I'm so depressed and stressed out that I'm scared I'm going to end up in the hospital because of all the stress and depression until one day i search online on getting love tips because I Love & care about him deeply and I just want us to be together as a couple again and I want us to last forever Google recommend me dr.kokotemple@gmail.com that he will solve my relationship problem then Dr tata told me he will come back to me between 48hrs after he cast spell on him never believe it until my fiance called me on the phone and told me he want us to come back and live happy together forever , Am so happy now that Dr koko, help me bring Johnson back to me. Thanks so much(dr.kokotemple] his email address is dr.kokotemple@gmail.com

    April 22, 2014 at 06:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. DoreenAshley

    I’ve never been a huge believer but when it turned out that lovespell was my last hope, I gave it a try because my lover stopped talking to me, after begging and pleading with him I realized that nothing was working out, he left me to meet another girl, i had no choice than to ordered a reunite love spell from dr.marnish@ yahoo. com to help me get my lover back, after the spell was cast, the Results was fantastic, I never expected what i saw, I'm so grateful i came across this spell caster, My love left his other girlfriend and we came back together have, dr marnish changed my life and made me a true believer! Doreenashley

    April 23, 2014 at 05:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. laura

    Interesting issues. We strongly recommend Peggy Vaughan's "The Monogamy Myth" for a concise explanation of WHY affairs happen. It is a choice made by the individual, above all, in order to supplant or escape or provide some emotional issue. Peggy Vaughan was a decades-long leader in the field of infidelity and healing. Personal recovery IS possble regardless of whether the marriage ends or mends.

    Laura
    Executive Director
    Infidelity Counseling Network
    http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org

    April 25, 2014 at 16:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Joy micheal

    Hello I am Joy Micheal ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex lover back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to DR GREAT OSOBA the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to DR GREAT OSOBA about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR GREAT OSOBA at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: greatosobaspelltemple@gmail. com. and get your problems solve like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: greatosobaspelltemple@gmail. com

    April 25, 2014 at 19:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Eeyore

      You are here to "spread" good news?

      Get bent.

      April 25, 2014 at 19:00 | Report abuse |
  8. martins

    I never believe all these were truth until I got liberated by it... My testimony is too long to share here. Contact MINA OSAS if u need any help. He gives 100% in every spell casting and as a professional he make sure all goes right. specializing in the fields of Love, Money, Power, Success, Sickness, Pregnancy, Marriage, Job, Protection, Lottery, Court Case, Luck. etc. provide the information below INFORMATION NEEDED: Your Full Name:_________ Your Partner name:_________ Your Contact number:_________ Your country/Location:_________ The picture of both of you:_________ Your complete address:_________ With this information the spell will commence immediately and you will have to stay tune for more feed back from my shrine. Contact him via: spellcaster@yeah.net.

    Wish You Good Luck.

    May 1, 2014 at 10:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Mrs Leisha

    What a beautiful and wonderful testimony some time things you don't believe
    can just happen.
    My name is Mrs Leisha from U.S.A am 29 years old i got married at the age
    of 28 i have only one child and i was living happily .After one year of my
    marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don't really
    understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i
    love him so much that i never dreams of losing him, i try my possible best
    to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i
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    help me he told me of a man called Dr.YARO,he is a very great man and a
    real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he
    cannot do that is why they call him the great doctor. I contacted his email
    address at FLOURISHHEALINGTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM And i told him everything that
    happen all he told me is that i should not worry that all my problems will
    be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i
    did, he said after 3 days my husband will come back to me and start
    begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our
    relationship was now very tight and we both live happily again.
    So my advice for you now is to contact this same email address
    FLOURISHHEALINGTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM if you are in any kind of situation
    concerning love issues and any other things that give you problems contact
    him.

    May 1, 2014 at 19:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Mrs Angelina Jack

    My name is Angelina Jack, from USA I never believed in love spells or magic
    until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in January this
    year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is Dr. keke he is
    really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost,
    misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck
    spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry
    left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our
    relationship has been on for 6years. I really loved him, but his mother was
    against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster,
    i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At
    first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try.
    And in 7 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me
    by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with
    his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married.
    I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my
    boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now
    and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job
    and our lives became much better. His email
    is traditionallovetemple@gmail.com

    May 1, 2014 at 19:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Frank Wilson

    i am Frank i reside in canada i want to use this medium to thank priest Okunmagala for bringing back my baby girl. i really felt depressed during the time she abandoned me but just within some couple of days i contacted him my girlfriend came back to me crying and asking for my forgiveness, that is why i am writing this testimony to informed the world what this wonderful priest did for me' for help in your broken relationship feel free to contact chief Okunmagala on chiefpriestofbrokenlove@gmail.com
    thanks
    frank

    May 18, 2014 at 05:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Laura Robin

    My name is Laura Robin i read some testimony about Dr PALOMA on how he has helped them in bringing back there ex within 48 hours i was just thinking if that was real, I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Nigeria in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.PALOMA he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 4years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos Dr PALOMA only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is: palomaspelltemple@yahoo.com

    June 15, 2014 at 03:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. nikita wynn

    I want to use this medium to tell the world about Doctor OKAYA who helped me in getting my lover back with his powerful spell, my ex and i where having misunderstanding which led to our breakup though i went to beg her several times to please forgive and accept me back because i know i offended her but each time i went i always feel more deeply in pain and agony because she always walk out on me and would not want to listen to what i have to tell but on i faithful day as i was browsing i came arose a testimony of a woman whose problem was more than mine and yet Doctor OKAYA helped her with his spell so i was happy and also contacted Doctor OKAYA for help via email and then told him my story but the only thing he said was that i will wipe you tear with my spell so lucky for me everything want well just as he promised and right now i have got my fiance back and we are both living happily. there is nothing Doctor OKAYA can not do with is spell and just as promise my self i will keep testifying on the internet of how Doctor OKAYA helped me.Are your problem greater that mine or less i give you 100% guarantee that Doctor OKAYA will put an end to it with his powerful spell, contact Doctor OKAYA for help Via email OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM

    1. GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK.
    2. WINNING LOTTERIES.
    3. CHILD BEARING.
    4. BREAKING OF GENERATION COURSE.
    5. GETTING OF JOB.
    6. JOB PROMOTION.
    7. MONEY SPELL.
    8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.
    9. HERBAL CARE.
    10. BEAUTY SPELL.

    June 22, 2014 at 12:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. DR OGBUDUGA

    OGBUDUGA ANCIENT SPIRITUAL TEMPLE Our Spiritual Services Include: *Spiritual power for visions and miracles- Healing *Crowed for men/ Women of God, Business and Trading, Fast money success gems, Lotto/ Pool Winning. *Contract Win *Musical Boon *Protection *Love Attraction/Do as i say/ Bring back my ex lover, bring back your missing child, Favour/ Marriage success/Fruit of Womb, *Exam Success, Spiritual Wealth and Power E.t.c Now what ever your problem is contact us today we must surely help you! contact Dr ogbudu on this E-mail: ogbudugatemple@gmail.com - OR- call him on +2348115185702

    July 3, 2014 at 05:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Anonymous

    My Husband broke up with me 6months ago, I honestly thought that my marriage was healthy. i loved my husband with all my heart. we was married 8 years and have a 3 yr old son. i told him i was pregnant…then he starting acting strange. he didn't want me to keep the baby. one day i decided to tell him i could not go through with not having the baby (about 2 months pregnant), he told me he doesn't love me anymore, 2 days later he told me he cheated on me and wants a divorce. i could not eat or sleep, i was completely alone and scared. so i left the house for him because he became really cruel to me, i needed help but don't know what to do. he filed for a divorce with a lawyer. so 3 days later a friend told me about a spell caster Robinson, i called his Mobile number + 19715126745 him and told him my problem and what i wanted and after 3 days he made my husband to change his mind and apologized to me, my husband became a changed man, he is now a good man. and loves me like never before

    July 6, 2014 at 10:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Joes Candra

    I am joes candra, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.OSAUYI for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.OSAUYI released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.OSAUYI for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. OSAUYILOVESPELL@GMAIL.COM that is his email address bye

    July 9, 2014 at 01:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Emma Russell

    I saw a testimony of Nadezhda Vyacheslav on how she got that guy to love her as she did him.Though i don't know her, i believed her cos she said Mutton Osun a spell caster help her seen it happen. I didn't believe her cos she used a spell i believed her cos she made mention of a mutual spell caster i know of that is mutton Osun. I have also see a lot of testimony about his work on the the internet on blog pages and so on. I literally took a lip of faith to contact him and it turn out that it paid off. In my own case i didn't ask that him to make anyone fall in love with me or ask that my cheating wife comes back. This time i was at fault i messed up.Will really like to say it was an honest mistake or a few hours or days of weakness but then i will be insulting my wife and the love i feel for her. I was in full control of what i was doing i had the choice not to cheat but i still did. She didn't find out by herself i told hoping if i told her how sorry i am and how much i still love and want to be with her despite my betray she will forgive completely. It was the biggest mistake of my life maybe i should not have told her, i guess she would have still found out if she didn't catch me then i bet the other lady would have told her what was going on to destroy what me and my wife had. It was obvious my betray really hurt her i could she it in her eye and i was really sorry. That is why i wasn't so surprise when she asked that we go our separate ways. There and then i realized that i was following the part that ruined my life and my family. I literally lead four month of my life in misery. I have never felt like i needed her like i had felt begging was not an option nothing was an option cos she was gone. It was right about that time Mutton Osun came into the picture or when i asked that he help me get my wife to love as she did before. I was able to provide the items he asked that i get for the spell and send then down to him. Like Nadezhda Vyacheslav said "the spell does become effective at once that " she was right also cos just after i did what Mutton Osun asked me to do with what he sent me, it took 7 days before anything happened i even thought for a minute that i had met a fake spell caster but in the end i am happy with my wife again. We going to be renewing our vows on the 20th of September. I was on the edge of become a walking dead a woman with nothing to live for thank my star Mutton Osun helped. I will also leave his contact for those who thing he can help them { godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com }

    July 10, 2014 at 14:05 | Report abuse | Reply
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  19. Jamia

    my fiancee cheated on me emotionally,with a woman he met at his week long work meeting.after that,he was always preoccupied testing her on his phone.even when we’re in bed.he told me he was sorry,he had been weak,became emotionally attached &had exchanged phone numbers.he said he’ll stop talking to her,but only if she texts him first.i was so mad!!n have since discovered they are still going on.m so hurt,n we’re supposed to be getting married in Marcy.i just want to call off the wedding and my friend ask me to use DR.AIRIOHUODION LOVE SPELL to protect him against other women so i contacted DR.AIRIOHUODION and i explain everything to him, and he told me not to worry that my boy is coming back to love and cherish only me more than before after the spell, so i did what DR.AIRIOHUODION ask me to do and my boy came back telling me he love me that he we not cheat on me again, i have watch him for the past 3 months now he is the best man i have ever meet. u can reach DR.AIRIOHUODION on his direct email: airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com

    July 16, 2014 at 08:40 | Report abuse | Reply
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