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E-motional affairs: How Facebook leads to infidelity
March 3rd, 2011
08:17 AM ET

E-motional affairs: How Facebook leads to infidelity

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

While the movie "The Social Network" may be Oscar history, Facebook is creating real-life dramas that lead to anything but Hollywood happy endings. In the last couple of years, I’ve seen scores of relationships destroyed by what I call "Facebook bombs" - blasts from the past that leave a relationship shattered to pieces.

If you or your mate are spending too much time strolling down a digital Memory Lane, an emotional affair could be in the works. Here's how to Facebook-proof your relationship:

Don’t romanticize the past at the expense of the present.

I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage.

How to reconnect and not be awkward or creepy

In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad.

Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes - high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups - are popping up on Facebook. When two people strike up an online friendship, it’s easy to idealize each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered, particularly if intimacy was once shared in the past.

But when one partner starts sharing himself or herself with another person, it chips away at the foundation of their core relationship - and starts building a foundation for a new relationship.

Don't keep secrets.

Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. Each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner.

In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it's tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now.

And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide. Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins.

 So if an old flame is on your case, just say, “I’m in a relationship now. I wish you all the best.”

With Facebook friends like these, who needs enemies?

The instant gratification of Facebook and other social networks stimulates reward centers in the brain - and it's easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of a connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship.

Soon, a person may feel like an online friend “knows” him or her better than a partner does. People may feel freer to explore other parts of themselves, while real life (and a real relationship) feels stifling. This artificial sense of intimacy can begin to consume a person’s thoughts, which becomes all the more exciting because it’s a secret. Most people don’t set out to have “e-motional” affairs, and that’s one of the dangers of social networks like Facebook.

It often just happens, usually as a friendly relationship snowballs into something more meaningful. A common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships have emotional affairs. In fact, many men and women who commit emotional infidelity report that they were happy when they became involved with their affair partners. Rather than seeking out love (or sex), unfaithful partners gradually blur the boundaries between friendship and intimacy over an extended period of time.

Facebook friends: More powerful than Internet porn
.

As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. Now, it's no secret that when men self-pleasure they often choose Internet pornography over their own erotic imagination. Think of it as the lazy man's way; the difference between reading and watching TV.

However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again often skip the computer and go back to those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is - even stronger than Internet porn!

An online affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. You start to idealize the other person and fantasize about what sex would be like. This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary relationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a connection before progressing to sex are often the most difficult to break off - and the most damaging to the other relationship.

There's no shame in disconnecting your Facebook account.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer, and get back to “face-timing” with your partner instead of Facebooking with the past. There's no shame in removing the one variable causing all the problems.

Look, in the end we’re all living, breathing sexual beings. Attraction doesn’t end once we’re in a relationship. Even the most happily coupled people are going to feel the familiar buzz of attraction when someone catches their eye or laughs at one of their jokes.

However, while feeling attraction is unavoidable, acting on it crosses the line. Attraction is one ingredient of an emotional affair. In order for attraction to launch into an emotional affair, a person has to also develop intimacy and, eventually, a feeling of connection with that person that supersedes their current relationship. In other words, attraction + effort + intimacy = emotional infidelity. Take away one, and all you’re left with is a natural instinct or a harmless Facebook friendship. Put all three together, and with friends like that... your relationship has a new enemy.


soundoff (419 Responses)
  1. Wilson Jenni

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      February 18, 2017 at 19:30 | Report abuse |
    • unice

      How I Got My Ex Husband Back.
      I am Reeta unice by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after 8 months of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster Prophet Lucky whose email is (luckyspelltemple@gmail. com) have help a woman to get back her husband and i contact him on his email (luckyspelltemple@gmail. com) and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. I believed him and after 2 days my Husband came back to me begging for forgiveness and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back, because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks to Prophet Lucky a God sent to help us all who is passing through difficulties in marriage or relationship. His email: luckyspelltemple@gmail. com OR His website is https://luckyspelltemple.wordpress.com

      February 26, 2017 at 04:44 | Report abuse |
  2. James Pedro

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    November 22, 2016 at 01:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. HOW I GOT BACK MY MY HEALING

    My name is SANDRA and i have a wonderful testimony to share, I experienced an excruciating pain in my lower stomach in my bathroom that pushed me to call the hospital. I explained my symptoms, and they told me to go to the ER right away. Once I arrived and was examined, the doctor told me that they needed to do an endoscopy to make sure that I wasn’t bleeding internally because my blood level was lower than normal standard. Luckily, I didn’t need a blood transfusion. They needed to know the cause of my anemia and stomach pain. During that process, waves of emotions were overwhelming. I felt fear, frustration, and pain – physical and emotional. Everything inside of me fought to leave the ER immediately, and I asked if I could refuse treatment. The doctor recommended that I stay, and I ended up staying overnight for them to do some blood tests and eventually the last procedure—colonoscopy. The good news was I didn’t have a bleeding ulcer, and the only thing they could diagnose me with was HP-Pylori, which is a type of stomach bacteria. The cause of it was still unknown. They gave me medications and released me to go home.
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    November 24, 2016 at 18:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. sterlynn244

    I never believed that i could finally get back the happiness and the love that was gone after my husband left me totally. I couldn't just believe that spells could turn my thoughts and my dreams into reality in getting back with my husband after he served me with divorce papers.. my ex husband after the divorce never showed up to me and the kids anymore, he finally made up his mind on me and said it was over. 2 years after our divorce, i was still out trying to get him back and i did all that i knew best could make him happy, and my mum and everybody around just advised i should forget about him and move on with my life, because they felt he was gone forever and was never gonna return. But i never gave up on trying to get him back, because i so much loved him beyond what anybody could ever imagine. I met a spell caster, and what drew my attention most was the reviews people was writting about this spell caster when i contacted him. And that so much gave me the assurance because i have heard much more on how he has helped alot of people... and with the help that this spell caster rendered to me, he saved my marriage and reunited me and my ex husband back together again with his powerful spells. Thank you so much Dr Tamara for your help in reuniting me and my husband again, if not for you, my life would have permanently turned out to be a mess.Love spell came out tremendously, I highly recommending LORD TAMARA,(lordtamaraspelltemple@gmail.com) for whatever problems you are experiencing in your relationship. He is the real deal. his love spell is absolutely wonderful. His WEBSITE: http://ancienttamaratemple.webs.com/.. Email (lordtamaraspelltemple@gmail.com)
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    November 28, 2016 at 09:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Elena

    My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8 months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this Great Prophect Success whose email is PROPHECTSUCCESS@YAHOO.COM so I had to contact her and in just 3days as she has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man I got married to. I can't thank the Great Prophect Success enough of what she did for me, I am so grateful. I even spoke to the Great Prophect over the phone, to confirm her existence. Her email again is: PROPHECTSUCCESS@YAHOO.COM

    November 30, 2016 at 19:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Lizzy

    Hello view i want to use this Opportunities to give this Testimony of my self how i came Across a man who told me that he WIN America Lottery game and bring his EX BACK by a help of a man called great papa, i was not convenience i said how can it be, then i took his number and email, and i email him he reply me i told him my problems that i lost my job no money, THAT i also need my EX BACK,my brothers and sisters, i was so surprise, he said is that all i said yes, he said OK there are a spell am under on that I need to cast out of me, i said OK, he name some items for me to buy for the Prayer and I did, after seven days he give me some numbers to play and did, guess what i Win, and i was called back from my job, and My Husband Settled with me, greatest Surprise am so happy now that is the reason why am sharing this testimony, i want you people to help me thank him for Solving my Problems, his contact, email:: greatpapa78@gmail.com whatsapp number+2347034752871

    December 10, 2016 at 05:15 | Report abuse | Reply
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    December 18, 2016 at 09:15 | Report abuse | Reply
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    January 3, 2017 at 12:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Karen Lola

    Great article! I hope this helps a lot of women out there.
    Fix your marriage and relationship after a breakup or divorce, 100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Trust, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: Ultimatespellcast @ gmail. com Thanks for reading.

    January 4, 2017 at 04:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. shirley

    Health is not just physical health, but also mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. An important part of the healing process for me is to be active in HIV/AIDS education, support and advocacy. I volunteer in a number of HIV/AIDS organizations, and in particular Positive Women, because the impact of HIV /AIDS on women is very different than from men. As once a positive person, I will forever be grateful to God Almighty and Doctor lucky to reach me when i thought it is all over, Today am happy with my family living free after the medical doctor have confirmed my HIV status Negative, I have never in my life believed that HIV could be cured by any herbal medicine, I want to make sure that HIV never happens to anyone else. We can't prevent HIV by punishment, by stigma and discrimination. It's only through building a safe, supportive and caring environment, that positive people still have hope and they should contact Dr lucky with this email: homeofnaturalremedy@gmail.com so they can once again be visible in our community, to educate and advocate, to take better care of ourselves and our families. We're someone's daughter, partner, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt. When we have HIV, it impacts on our families too. kindly contact him today and leave carefree, on whatsapp +2349050606649 Goodluck. you can also reach me on my mail: homeofnaturalremedy@gmail.com

    January 10, 2017 at 02:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. annie

    I really can't believe i am the one giving this testimony of how i got my ex back because i never believed there is a spell caster strong enough to it for me. This is a testimony of a spell caster called master James who brought my ex boyfriend back to me. Me and my ex boyfriend had been dating for 3 years when we broke up. I broke up with him. As time went on i began to grow cold and i missed him so much. My best friend Elyse knew about my affection for him and then she introduced me to master james and she said she too had been helped by this spell caster and i should give him a chance. Oh my God, this spell caster is marvelous. My ex came back and i apologized to him and he smiled at me saying he wasn't angry anymore because he loves me. We had broken up for almost a year. I want to thank master james for this thing he did for me and i want anyone who needs help to give him a chance and you life will turn. His email is masterjames175@gmail.com

    January 12, 2017 at 11:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Imaginative

    pleasing to come across

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    January 30, 2017 at 22:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. Thaddeus Delmolino

    hmmm thanks.

    http://trustemo.com/category/social-media/

    February 8, 2017 at 02:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. jose

    What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life after i saw a post on how he helped a lady called Sharon,i decided to contact him for help when i told this God sent man Dr marvin on how my girlfriend left me for 9months without calling or texting me,When i shared this my sad experience with Dr Marvin of MARVINLOVESPLL011@YAHOO.COM he said everything would be okay within 3days i was like am i sure what this man is saying is real,So i decided to give a try and what even surprised me the most at first i was also thinking he was a scam i taught he was like other spell caster who come online to add pain to peoples pain not knowing there feelings but to make money,But this great man Dr Marin is never like that his own is for good and make people to be happy with the one they love,Am just so happy,Even before the 3days i just got a call from my girlfriend who has left me for 9months saying she is sorry and that she wants me back to her life i was so happy,she invited me for a dinner which i meant her there and we both talked and she said she wants to prove that she would never leave me for any other man, am so happy all thanks goes to this great man Dr Marvin a man who has brought back joy to my life,Please friends that needs help i would advice and swear that Dr MARVIN is the right man and not those fake ones who are online to make money and not to help here is Dr Marvin private mail MARVINLOVESPLL011@YAHOO.COM

    February 14, 2017 at 14:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. happiness

    I never believed in spell casting, but After 9 years of dating, I still imagine how Dr adodoghie brought my ex lover back to me in just 24 hour. No one could have ever made me believe that there is a real spell caster that really work. am sandra by name,I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr adodoghie, He helped me recently to reunite my relationship when my ex lover who left me, When i contacted Dr adodoghie he cast a love spell for me and my ex lover who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again, he called me and started begging me. he is back now with so much love and caring. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers of bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my lover,and the most surprise,is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love.i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr.adodoghie if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him ,he is there to help you and put a smile on your face. his email: adodoghie77@gmail.com

    February 15, 2017 at 02:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. elizabeth_taylor

    Hello, my name is Elizabeth, i was going through an article and found out about a man called Dr Bomoh. i have been suffering from breakup issues with different guys. i had to contact the spell caster. Steve was on the verge of leaving me for another woman. but i stayed positive and believe i could have him back and make him stay. lo and behold Dr Bomoh helped me. Steve and i are getting married soon. Dr Bomoh is such a nice man, he also helped me stop my cardiac arrest problem. Thanks to him and thanks to God for the gift given to him. If you have any problem whatsoever, contact him on this email: godbomohspirit@gmail.com

    Contact him for the following and see the great work of Dr Bomoh:
    (1)If you want your ex back.
    {2}If you want to be very successful
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    and many more.......

    February 20, 2017 at 02:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Daniel

    Thanks to E-mail:dr.mac@yahoo. com...for helping me get my wife back...

    February 20, 2017 at 06:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. doris ben

    I never use to believe in spell casting until i met dr adodoghie a powerful spell caster who helped me to be a happy person again. My name is Doris ben, i reside in USA. After 4 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids. I felt like my life was about to end and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a Great spell caster called Dr adodoghie which i met online on one faithful day when I was browsing through the internet, i came across a lot of testimonies about this particular Great spell caster how he has helped so many people. He has helped people to bring back their Ex lover and cure so many disease, some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer and other sickness, and so on. I also came across a testimony, it was about a woman called Rumi, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr adodoghie's email address. After reading all these, i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and explained my problem to him and he assured me that in less than 48 hours, my husband will call me and beg for forgiveness but i thought it will not work. When he had finished casting the spell, the next day my husband called me and he was begging for forgiveness just as Doctor Iyuku said. After the spell has been cast, i realized that my husband love me like never before and the spell caster opened him up to know how much i love him and how much love we need to share. We are even happier now than before. Dr adodoghie is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and a genuine spell caster to solve all your problems contact Dr adodoghie now through his mail: adodoghie77@gmail.com. He will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Dr adodoghie for your good deeds

    February 24, 2017 at 18:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. unice

    How I Got My Ex Husband Back.
    I am Reeta by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after 8 months of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster Prophet Lucky whose email is (luckyspelltemple@gmail. com) have help a woman to get back her husband and i contact him on his email (luckyspelltemple@gmail. com) and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. I believed him and after 2 days my Husband came back to me begging for forgiveness and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back, because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks to Prophet Lucky a God sent to help us all who is passing through difficulties in marriage or relationship. His email: luckyspelltemple@gmail. com OR His website is https://luckyspelltemple.wordpress.com

    February 26, 2017 at 04:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. joy

    MY ADVICE TO THOSE WITH HEART BROKEN, AND HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK ON TRACK.
    My husband left again for the last time on Jan 7, 2015. We have been married for 28 years. He left for another woman, the third since 1996 that I know of, but it’s very painful. We have two children 27 and 25 yrs old and a grandson who is 7. Our life was never stable because of his affairs. I just wanted to believe that he would never do it again. He did and every time he left it was without warning. I never want to feel that feeling of wondering when or if he’ll leave when I walk out the door to go to work. But still i was ready for a better life with him despite all this, until i cried out and a friend directed me to a man called Prophet Abulele the online spell caster, with full expectation i write him on his email and explain everything to him, within a period of 7days he performed a greater work, my husband is back to the real man i got married to 28years ago. for any kind of relationship help reach out to him now on the internet. Type “Prophet Abulele the online love spell caster” on Google to see people talked about his good works and sincerity.

    March 2, 2017 at 11:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Ajayi Ololo

    THE ONLY TEMPLE WERE YOU CAN GET YOUR EX-LOVER BACK AND MANY MORE!!. Anyone that require the help of our services should kindly send an email to the following email address: ajayiololo@yahoocom .

    March 17, 2017 at 12:06 | Report abuse | Reply
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Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.