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When men don’t want sex
February 24th, 2011
09:49 AM ET

When men don’t want sex

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

“Not tonight, honey. I have a headache.” How many times has a guy heard that before? Husbands around the world are all too familiar with being sexually rejected. But now, more than ever, those words, (or some variation), are being expressed by men, to their female partners. While the conventional wisdom has been that it’s usually the woman in the relationship who inevitably loses interest in sex, the opposite is often true. Low male desire is at all-time high, and is likely to occur for any number of reasons:

Biological. There are many possible physical causes of low male sexual desire, from heart disease, to antidepressants, to alcohol or drug use, to low levels of testosterone. If he’s ruled out other factors, it’s a good idea for him to pay a visit to his doctor.

Emotional. A guy’s sex drive is often closely tied to his self-esteem - when one suffers, so does the other. The economic downturn has sent lots of men into a funk: Job changes or loss, financial worries, and depression can all add up to a low libido. He may feel like less of a man, no matter how much his partner tells him that money doesn’t matter.

Relationship. Feelings like anger, resentment, and general dissatisfaction with his relationship can play havoc on a man’s sex life with his partner - but these issues don’t necessarily sink his libido. Sure, he may claim he’s not in the mood. But he may simply be putting his sexual energy elsewhere, whether into masturbation, porn, strip clubs, or an affair. What happens outside of the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom, and when men are bored in their relationship they tend to get bored in the bedroom.

Porn. The Internet has made porn much more accessible - and the frequent masturbation it triggers may be making men too worn out for sex with a real partner. As I’ve discussed before in this blog, men are masturbating 50 to 500 percent more than they would normally without Internet porn. So if a guy normally masturbated once a day, he might now be doing it two or three times a day. If he masturbated three times a week, he might now be getting graphic with his graphics 15 times a week. If you’re 17 and single, this might not be a problem. But if you’re 40 and toting a gut, it’s an issue - a real issue. Some guys may still feel mentally like they’re 17 years old, but they can’t have sex that way. Their bodies have changed and so have their refractory periods, the natural interval between erections. Guys with low desire may simply lack the mojo for real sex because they’re depleted from masturbation.

Your relationship itself could also be contributing to his low desire. While there are similarities between how men and women get sexually aroused, there are also some key differences. New research suggests that female sexual response depends on the quality of emotional intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. That means that when a woman feels comfortable and secure in her relationship, she’s likely to feel more sexual desire - to the point where curling up on the couch in sweats and a T-shirt is more of a turn-on than donning some sexy lingerie.

But for men, this sense of complacency and comfort could work against sexual desire, especially if there’s less emphasis on novelty, newness, excitement, and visual stimulation, all of which play heavily into the stimulation of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that, like amphetamines, plays a big role in sexual arousal.

Sex ruts and mismatched libidos are common in any long-term relationship, but guys are generally more used to striking out and not taking it personally. We play the numbers and we know we’ll get another chance at bat, so it’s more a matter of continually stepping up to the plate.

But when a man is disinterested in sex, a woman is much more likely to take it as an insult or a reflection on her attractiveness, rather than looking at all the factors described above. Also, statistically, women are more likely to self-silence and bottle up their emotions than are men. So whereas a guy who wants more sex might lash out and say, “How come we never have sex anymore?” a woman is more likely to let her anger simmer and stew, which leads to resentment and might cause a woman to build an emotional wall between her and her partner, which will protect her from feelings of rejection.

But the truth is that sexual desire is not a light switch that just gets turned on and off. The media tells men over and over that women need more foreplay. But women also need to get with the same program and understand that male desire is like a dimmer switch: It unfolds across a spectrum and requires effort. Men are not just walking erections, ready to go whenever the wind blows.

Regardless of your gender, when a couple is dealing with mismatched libidos, the worst thing the partner with more desire can do is to give up on sex. Like Sherlock Holmes, the partner with more desire has to engage in some forensic analysis to uncover the clues and causes, and then take action to bring sex back into the relationship. From foreplay to fantasy, to enhancing communication and the overall quality of the relationship, there’s a lot you can do to foster a satisfying sex life. So start talking with each other, share a fantasy or two, and take a few aspirin for that “headache.” Your relationship will thank you.And if you need a little extra help getting sexually creative, check out the Good in Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex.


soundoff (283 Responses)
  1. Robert

    If I stop making love to my wife, I have given her permission to shoot me.

    February 24, 2011 at 15:05 | Report abuse |
  2. Not Alone

    Happy to see a story that hits home. My husband and I are in our twenties, fit and active but his drive is astonishingly low and mine very high. It used to be fun when I practically had to pin him down, now it's just depressing. Now he says the fact that I want to have s-x is a turn off! He won't go see the doctor though, I think he has low testosterone but until I can get him in I'll never know. This article is definitely right I can't help but take it personally. I don't know what I'm going to do, it's really starting to effect our relationship.

    February 24, 2011 at 15:09 | Report abuse |
    • Robert

      It's a HUGE reason my first wife and I divorced. Mine is very high and hers was very low.

      February 24, 2011 at 15:20 | Report abuse |
  3. Nasty American Women

    Judging from all of the ignorant, hostile, arrogant and repugnant comments from all of the American fat a s s women on this board, I have no doubt why so many guys have resigned themselves to p o r n. Makes me glad I have a foreign wife...she's always ready to make me come.

    February 24, 2011 at 15:14 | Report abuse |
    • midogs2

      Based on your comments above, I'd have to say you're a 'Nasty American Man' with those same attributes you describe. It's no wonder you had to go overseas to find a woman, and I'll bet she doesn't understand a word of English. And oh, by the way, I'm an American male who adores his 60 year old American wife, married 35 years. Take your hatred somewhere else. God, how can you stand to live with yourself?

      February 24, 2011 at 15:26 | Report abuse |
    • QFT

      If you marry a foreign woman, and bring her to America, don't teach her English." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

      February 24, 2011 at 16:12 | Report abuse |
    • BILLYBOY23

      Please remember midogs2, you are of a different generaltion where women didn't run to the attorney to start thing in process everytime they had a bad hair day. The Archie Bunker days are over. Husbands today have to be 10 better than in your day in order to have 1/2 a chance of staying married.

      February 24, 2011 at 19:43 | Report abuse |
    • Jorge

      I would like to disagree with NAW, but unfortunately, of the 7 women that I have been with since I came back to the states after 23 years overseas, I have had to send 2 to the shower and one I just could not do. Maybe it's just the local region where I live (I hope). I'm embarrassed to say this but I really don't have the courage to be with another woman until I can go back to the Antilles for spring break. Sorry, but it's the truth, so help me God.

      February 24, 2011 at 20:57 | Report abuse |
  4. Nice try

    @midogs2

    Oh, and by the way, no one believes you're really a man.

    February 24, 2011 at 15:34 | Report abuse |
    • midogs2

      How would you know what 'no one' really believes? You speak for everyone? Ten minutes ago I was standing up facing the cammode peeing. Perhaps once you successfully paas through puberty, saw when you reach 14 years of age, you can come back and comment.

      February 24, 2011 at 18:56 | Report abuse |
    • call the whamulance

      i have to agree, midogs2 seems bi tchy and argues like a woman...i'm guessing a va gina is involved

      February 24, 2011 at 19:13 | Report abuse |
    • Tom Leykis

      "Nice Try" well said. It's a woman. Likely a woman who has problems with her bathroom scale and is menopausal.

      February 24, 2011 at 20:58 | Report abuse |
  5. tmede2222

    hmmmm

    February 24, 2011 at 15:53 | Report abuse |
  6. MojoFilters

    Well said. Very balanced analysis. Agreed. Male

    February 24, 2011 at 17:03 | Report abuse |
  7. yoyoma

    Any woman out there for a quicky? Maybe more like an hour.

    February 24, 2011 at 17:38 | Report abuse |
  8. Tard

    The terms of moderation must be very special indeed.
    My posts never appear but ignorant, misspelled, zero-syntax crap from teenagers sails right through.

    February 24, 2011 at 18:38 | Report abuse |
  9. Dennis

    It could be that after forty years of feminism men no longer find them attractive.

    February 24, 2011 at 18:45 | Report abuse |
  10. jack

    Beauty is only a light switch away.

    February 24, 2011 at 19:50 | Report abuse |
  11. shallowHal

    when? uhhhhhhh....when the Universe collapses?

    February 24, 2011 at 19:51 | Report abuse |
  12. mumu

    mr kerner fails at advice

    February 24, 2011 at 20:20 | Report abuse |
  13. Tom Leykis

    Here are some other possibilities:
    1. His wife turns him off because she is either fat, unattractive, etc.
    2. He has a mistress on the side.
    3. He's over it and wants to move on.

    February 24, 2011 at 20:33 | Report abuse |
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