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November 11th, 2010
12:31 PM ET

The new sex issue and why more men are faking it

When it comes to men and their members, we all know that what goes up must, eventually, come down. But what about when a guy’s erection goes up and stays up? At first blush, it sounds like bedroom benefit. But delayed ejaculation (DE) is a real problem. This umbrella term describes:

  • taking longer than usual to reach orgasm
  • only being able to get there via masturbation
  • not being able to peak at all

And it’s an issue that I'm seeing increasingly.

In the past DE was relatively rare compared with other "mechanical malfunctions" such as erectile disorder (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE), a subject I recently wrote about for this blog. Today, however, new factors are contributing to DE’s increased prevalence:

  • First and foremost is the fact that millions of men of all ages are now taking SSRI-based antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil, which not only have the side effect of delaying orgasm, but, in many cases, eliminate it altogether.
  • The rapid proliferation of Internet porn also plays a role. Easy access to porn has made over-masturbation by men more common, which can lead to an increased latency period (the time it takes to reach orgasm) during real sex.
  • With so many varieties of porn at their fingertips, men who masturbate regularly to it often become habituated to a steady flow of sexual novelty and intense visual stimulation, making it harder for them to reach peak levels of sexual arousal with their real-world partners.  Call it Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, a topic I’ve written about for "Good in Bed" and which addresses why too much masturbation to porn can mess with a guy’s sex skills.
  • When a guy masturbates, he's often applying significantly higher levels of pressure and friction than during real intercourse, so he may get used to a different kind of physical feeling. It’s called developing an “idiosyncratic masturbatory style.” There are now a lot of guys who can  get past the point of no return only via oral sex or manual stimulation (usually their own).

In addition to physical factors, psychological problems can contribute to DE. These can include not wanting to get a woman pregnant, bottled-up anger, and control issues. Lately, I've seen an increase in DE among men who are freaked out about the economy. They may get physiologically aroused, but they’re mentally disconnected and can’t focus enough to get to the point of orgasm.

But you might not be able to tell any of that from his bedroom performance. That’s right, ladies, guys fake it too! It's actually pretty easy when he's using a condom—“I just tense my body and moan a lot” says one former patient—and even if he’s going “ungloved,” he still might claim he had an orgasm and ejaculated (“It just wasn’t a lot”). Although there are no clear stats on the number of men faking it, as the factors that cause DE rise, the incidences of faking rise, too.

Here are tips for dealing with DE:

  • During sex, focus more on foreplay—especially the mental stuff. Sexual arousal is the product of both friction and fantasy, and the guy who suffers from DE often needs a spark of novelty to get him over the edge.  Everything helps: sharing a fantasy, creating more anticipation during the day, etc.
  • Try switching to a position that might provide more novelty and more friction.
  • If you think too much porn could be crimping your sex-style, it may be time to take a break from porn and focus on real sex. Taking a masturbation break may help address the porn-induced “idiosyncratic masturbatory style" I mentioned earlier. Or he can try masturbating with his non-dominant hand, which will generally provide less friction and pressure.
  • Communicate. In my experience as a sex counselor, talking about DE with a partner is not as hard as talking about erectile disorder or premature ejaculation, because guys with DE are able to get erect as well as last longer (two sources of male pride). If you’re with a guy who suffers from DE, get the conversation going by saying something like,  “Hey, so I feel like you’re a little disconnected during sex, or that you’re not enjoying being with me as much as you could. Is there anything I can do? Is there something on your mind?” When he asks you what you mean, you can say, “Well, I’ve noticed it takes you longer to reach orgasm or that you can only get there in certain ways.”

By understanding delayed ejaculation and being aware of the factors that might cause it, couples can get on the same page, strengthen their relationship and get back to enjoying an intimate sexual connection.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.


soundoff (196 Responses)
  1. The Original Hag

    If you guys would quit playing with it so much and save it for your woman, you wouldn't desensitize the poor thing to the point of having to fake it! My man is cut, 50 years old, and sensitive as all get out! Circumcision's got nothing to do with it. Quit treating it like it's a squeaky toy and stop rubbing it rough!

    November 12, 2010 at 06:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • wildflwr

      So true Hag...so true, one the wisest comments I have read! Men think more is better, that is what causes obesity too....more food is better right. Same with sex...more is not better esp. when it is with yourself!

      November 13, 2010 at 11:02 | Report abuse |
    • unimpressed

      Amen sister! I couldn't have said it better myself!!

      January 27, 2011 at 20:48 | Report abuse |
  2. spikette

    i am reading posts where men are whining about and blaming women. how does this have anything to do with women. someoen puts an article up about de and men yell at women. makes no sense. it all is what it is.... happy sex life to all

    November 12, 2010 at 08:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. spikette

    how is women getting blame? i am reading post after post about women quit griping and make up mind. i saw nothing in the article that discussed that. it is what it is. happy s^x life to all

    November 12, 2010 at 09:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Ann

    I was in a 21 year marriage with a "less than a minute" man. I am not exaggerating. I was a virgin and didn't know that was abnormal. He refused to work on improving the situation saying "he was happy" (no porno involved by the way). After leaving the marriage and hooking-up with someone who knew how to work it, giving me multiple orgasms, I finally realized I was normal after all and the reason why I felt sexually frustrated for 21 years. I would rather go without sex than deal with another "less than a minute" man. Currently have a boyfriend 15 years my senior and we always have a very good time together both in and out of the bedroom.

    November 12, 2010 at 09:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. Jim

    you woment hat say all men uncut smell even after a shower are lyinnggg, this is completely not true. If the guy is not using soap or shampoo that is antibacterial and washing up with more than just letting water run over it, then cut or uncut, there will always be a smell. Best thing to do is use antibacterial soap and wash up thoroughly if uncut. Those who are cut can't really take shots and the uncut....dude you don't even know what its like being uncut, the feeling you get from contact is much more intense. Think of it as a construction workers hand compared to a massage therapist's hand, the construction worker has callus and wouldn't be able to feel certain things that the massage therapist would...the same goes for cut and uncut, because its uncut and covered, its more sensitive and therefore much more pleasurable than someone cut. O yea, and please for the cut dudes, dont' try to deny it because you truly have no idea what its like to be uncut if you were snipped at birth, only for those who were cut in their 20's and were active is a response logical.

    November 12, 2010 at 09:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Dree

    OKAY OKAY... I love PORN and I'm a female, and I masterbate as well, and YES it can make you NOT have an ORGASM cause I'm used to my own touch.. HOWEVER, I do understand what the MEN are going thru, it's sometime hard, but if you find the RIGHT ONE that's know how to touch you right and watches PORN well GOD BLESS YOU..I'm still looking for the RIGHT ONE...

    November 12, 2010 at 11:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Dree

    So to all the men that having that issue, I'm sorry to hear that..I know what you're going thru as a woman, I watch porn and I masterbate and sometime I find my self not ready to have an orgasm as of yet, but I do stay WETT, alot WETT.. but if I can find the guy who can touch me the way I touch my self I know for a fact I would explode..LOL LOL But hang in there Fellas...HELP is on HER WAY...

    November 12, 2010 at 11:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. JaeRae

    There are also medical conditions besides the ones mentioned that can affect your sex lives. Not to mention all of the medications, environmental toxins, lack of exercise, and most importantly a lack of communication in a relationship that can be detrimental.
    I've been in a very loving, emotionally secure, relationship for a long time, and the key to our success as a couple is our ability to be completely open and honest in what our sexual desires are. This is the key in my opinion. If you cannot talk to your man about what they want, about what you want, then what's the point? If that doesn't happen, you basically get a relationship where sex is more 'going through the motions', than a show of passion and love.
    As a woman, my advice to other women would be to let go of those worries, let go of your insecurities, and truly talk to your partner about what he needs, and not just sexually.
    Love is a two way street, and for it to work you both need to be receptive as well as GIVING.

    November 12, 2010 at 11:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chris

      You are 100% correct, but how do you get your spouse to communicate more?

      December 10, 2010 at 02:41 | Report abuse |
  9. garyM

    I will be hoping that this topic comes up at the G20 meeting. We need the world to address the growing problem of "faking it" across the board, once and for all. Cheers & Happy Friday you all fakers out there :)

    November 12, 2010 at 11:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. UncleJohn

    Forget seeking treatment. Start a new category on Craigslist!

    November 12, 2010 at 12:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. TIGGER

    What if you get whiskey dick?

    November 12, 2010 at 12:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. ClientNumber9

    This is a scientific study people!!!!!
    Please respect the scientific analysis that went behind this health blog...It is also very true ...I was in a car accident ...It made me call escorts and prostitutes...But I fooled them all and wound up with my own talk show...The funny thing is I act like I am Mr.Integrity and people in america have short memories....I also went on Craig's list to find whores which my own station is now ambushing...signed.......Mr Toad

    November 12, 2010 at 12:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. derakh

    As a female who has had multiple circumcised and uncircumcised partners. I don't see a difference. I mean yes, they look different, but in the end, they all do the same job. My husband is not circumcised and I have no issue with it. I think his junk is very attractive the way it is actually. After talking with my partners about it over time, I find that the ones who are uncircumcised do have a greater feeling of sensation.

    When my husband and I have children, I do not intend to circumcise any males. I feel that this choice regarding one's junk should be left up to the the owner. I am fairly sure that most men would elect not to do that particular surgery as an adult. But the ones that do, it ends up being an uncomfortable, but reasonably non-evasive surgery. So it is not unreasonable that an adult male could choose to get himself circumcised.

    As for the ladies complaining about cleanliness and smells. Blame his parents for that. All of the uncircumcised men I have encountered said that their dad (or mom if she was a single parent) impressed how important cleaning that area is. If as a boy, he was not taught to correctly take care of that area, then it is the fault of those who raised him. My guess is it is part of the awkward-we-can-talk-to-our-children-about-uncomfortable-things issue a lot of parents face. Get over it and teach your uncircumcised boy to take care of himself properly.

    November 12, 2010 at 13:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. DAVER

    Iam Sorry, But If you need porn to get off ,before you get off your women (litterally)
    Then its time to get a NEW Women. Or get a new attitude towards her *

    My Girlfriend is My Porn.
    And She loves it.
    XXX

    You Can't Fake Real !!!!!!!

    November 12, 2010 at 13:57 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Metal Gypsy

      Do you have a brother?

      December 5, 2010 at 23:10 | Report abuse |
    • unimpressed

      I totally agree, and good for you! Nice to know there are some real men still out there!

      January 27, 2011 at 20:46 | Report abuse |
  15. trybal

    Wait because a guy can't get off its his fault and he has some type of problem but if a woman can't its the man's fault... What a rip..

    November 12, 2010 at 15:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. ElizardBETH Crowinn Senior Big DOG Medical Gossip Spreader

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    November 12, 2010 at 16:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Abbyka

    Ugh I dated a guy that watched too much porn and ended up not being able to orgasm without masturbating. It was very annoying. Plus he'd take forever and my legs would get sore, not to mention the lady parts.

    November 12, 2010 at 17:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Phil

    I don't masturbate, I'm not viewing porn and I'm having trouble reaching an orgasm in a reasonable time frame... Oh wait – I'm 37... Age is a major factor as well.

    I'm not too worried that my interest is lacking and my wife thinks it's great. She's 54 and has no interest in sex. We already had 15 years of great sex.

    November 12, 2010 at 17:06 | Report abuse | Reply
    • FormerWife

      Phil, As an older woman who dates younger men (I'm in my mid-40's, most the men I've dated are about 30), your comment is actually reassuring. It sounds like you have a happy marriage. Thanks for posting.

      December 15, 2010 at 04:39 | Report abuse |
  19. bunchoload

    I think some men and women are not being honest here. I have DE. Its from Zoloft. I get rock hard, but can't finish. At first, the ladies in my life liked it. But after pounding for 2+ hours tring to get there, and exhausing all the KY, the ladies get sore, chaffed, and plain ol hurt down there. All of them. No woman that I ever met wants to get rammed for 2 + hours. In fact, any time it was 40+ minues or longer there was always some lubrication problem, her getting sore, and chaffing. Heck I even get chaffed.

    Some of you need to be a bit more honest. All night sex doesn't happen because there isn't enough lube.

    November 12, 2010 at 17:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. JCizzle

    This happens to me when I'm not quite too drunk to F, but getting damn close. I can still perform, but have trouble finishing because I'm all tanked up and can't feel anything. =D

    November 14, 2010 at 00:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. diggie

    I really think too much is expected of a couple regarding sex. they have to have a good marriage and no guilt from screwing around
    which is a big problem with a lot of people .stick to one partner would help

    November 14, 2010 at 13:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. NotNews

    Usually a girl dry's up after she orgasm about 3-4 times. And its problematic if once she's dried up you haven't done the same. More foreplay will definitely help a lot. Since people are very busy now days a quick pump and go is the only thing that some have time for however foreplay is very important to achieving orgasm for men and women and is a very helpful remedy for DE.

    November 14, 2010 at 21:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. kofybean

    So... if a woman fakes it, its because the man is terrible in bed.
    And. If a man fakes it, its because he is terrible in bed?

    ok.

    November 16, 2010 at 00:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. John

    Porn is boring. I think it's for people who don't want to bother with the presence of another person while getting their tickles.

    November 18, 2010 at 08:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. michael

    My mind often gets aroused much more than my body is capable of keeping up with. My wife and I usually have sex multiple times most days. Sometimes immediately after, my mind's not done yet, so I get going again, but sometimes I start to lose it from sheer exhaustion. When I'm nearing this point I will sometimes "fake it" not so much to protect my wife's feelings, but because it often is the added stimulation she needs to climax. Afterwords, I am physically satisfied from the earlier sex, and mentaly satisfied, from round 2 (or 3 or 4) and so is she.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. Richard Lovel

    As a chronic masturbator, I find that this article and much of the discussion miss a vital point: by masturbating slowly and delaying ejaculation, a male can achieve a far greater level of arousal and gratification than in "normal" sex. We chronic masturbators call the practice "edging". (For information, google the words "edging masturbation".) The prolonged ecstasy of edging is like a long drawn-out orgasm, and control of ejaculation is a skill we develop to achieve and maintain the state. Some authors describe this as "multiple male orgasm" because it feels like an endless succession of small orgasms without final ejaculatory release. Far from being "unable to achieve ejaculation" in normal sex, we come to prefer the gratification that only edging masturbation can provide.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. matt

    I'm 38 and still struggle getting past 5 minutes. How can I get some of that DE? :D

    November 18, 2010 at 13:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. DoubleStandard79

    Tell you what men, we women will stop making decisions to cut off your "junk" when you're a baby if you stop telling us we can't have an abortion. Like many of you keep saying, it should be our decision to do what we want with our body when we're adults.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • wait..what?

      what does one thing have to do with the other? your argument is irrelevant

      November 18, 2010 at 18:19 | Report abuse |
    • Metal Gypsy

      Go abort yourself.

      December 5, 2010 at 23:19 | Report abuse |
  29. JOEY

    Why dont they put breast implants in babygirls too while theyre at it!!

    November 18, 2010 at 20:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. JOEY

    To the lady talking about the "odor", I havent met a woman yet that didnt have an odor!!! Have you sniffed your self lately?? Let me guess your %^#T doesnt stink either right! LMAO

    November 18, 2010 at 21:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Metal Gypsy

      Every woman has a natural scent. And if they are meticulously clean, it will not have an "odor". I, do not have an "odor", thank you very much. Perhaps you need to raise your standards.

      December 5, 2010 at 23:21 | Report abuse |
  31. JPAM

    My father had to have suregry at 84 years old b/c he was uncut and he could not urinate in a controlable stream. It ended up going all over the floor and was extremely embarassing.

    December 17, 2010 at 15:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Kathy

    Why would any male "fake it when a male's orgasm pales in comparsion to a womans to start with.

    Women have many times the effects of an orgasms, hers is more intense, last longer and covers more of her body while a male's orgasm pales in comparison. A male will have a much less intense orgasm, it last much shorter and is essentially a few throbs of his penis and an ejaculation and it is over within a moment. The male than has to recharge to have other orgasm meanwhile women may have had several within a short time.

    I have heard it compared to women being Niagara Falls while males are a dripping faucet. I would not trade being a woman to become a male for anything. If I woke up with a penis and testicles I would want to get them cut off as soon as possible.

    December 19, 2010 at 04:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Jack Howitzer

    wow. http://67.42.80.195

    December 25, 2010 at 23:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Joshua

    The author here is a guy? well man, either you're dating the indecisive kind of women or those that don't like to be pleased..
    I date women that seem to want a 24 hour session and tv commercials say keeping it up for more than 4 hours is a problem? hell no.. its not a problem at all.. Im glad I perform the way I perform.. just find a woman or women that can up with it.. and then it wont be considered "delayed".. a workout rather...
    http://facebook.com/iLikeJosh

    December 31, 2010 at 22:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. JimmyZee

    Men fake it because the woman lays there like some kindve dead animal and offering zero inspiration.

    January 6, 2011 at 10:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Pharmf602

    Hello! ggecaka interesting ggecaka site! I'm really like it! Very, very ggecaka good!

    August 22, 2011 at 18:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. hamdard safi

    sir i have a big problem i a,m not married untile .i,m doing hand practice for last 5year or masturbation i have a good hieght but i am not have well weight and becoming weak. i am 21year old now i angry to that my heart want to cut my penis because at distrube my health .
    And i have weakness also now i shamed frome people and also at universty my penise also become short. when i do hand practise specially now at occure at nightfall and i am see wet thinking sir plz ad there any medicne at the world that stope the hand practise or over mastubation for some time and stopm sexual dessire and arousal for some time

    February 26, 2013 at 13:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Mok

    nice – its working for me and I'm only reading it

    November 11, 2010 at 13:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. blesk

    you lady, are a credit to your gender – woo-hoo!!!

    November 11, 2010 at 14:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Oregon guy

    YES!!..finally a women who watches girl on girl with her man..

    November 11, 2010 at 14:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. big John

    LOL with a capitol LOL

    November 11, 2010 at 14:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. big John

    VOICE< you need some help?

    November 11, 2010 at 14:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Kirsten

    You are obviously one of THOSE women (doubt you're a woman , really ) –one of those who pretends and remains anonymous– post your real name not just " voice".

    November 11, 2010 at 15:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Mike

    Ha Ha issues much? Hes right though nothing will make it as absolutely impossible to get there as resentment. Number 2: having to ask.

    November 11, 2010 at 15:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Zoha

    bebe mike May 30, 2011 Amazingly, sa PhilippineBeaches.org ko pa natisod tong blog entry na to, but it's all worth the time radnieg this. Thanks for the inspiration, I'm so looking forward to beyond 6 mos. of mine and my bebe mark's relationship (we're celebrating our monthsary today, hehe) keep loving and God bless you Yoshke and your partner =)

    October 11, 2012 at 07:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Luis

    starfusion August 4, 2009 too bad na from their point of view, hindi sila nahahabag o nbalaahaba. They wouldn't say such if they were ignorant. Hindi sila manhid para maging mapangdiskrimina. If you talk to such (kind of) people, prepare yourself baka kailanganin mong magsumbong.

    October 14, 2012 at 00:00 | Report abuse | Reply
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