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Why you should have sex at least once a week
October 21st, 2010
12:45 PM ET

Why you should have sex at least once a week

Couples often ask me how frequently they should be having sex, and, until recently, I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer. After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course,  the quality of their overall relationship to name just a few.

What might seem like too much sex to one person may seem like too little to another: (Remember that scene in Annie Hall, in which Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are discussing their sex life, split-screen, with their respective therapists? Asks Woody’s therapist, “How often do you sleep together?”  To which he responds: “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Meanwhile, Diane Keaton’s therapist is asking her the very same question, and she replies, “Constantly. I'd say three times a week.”)

Every couple have to find their own middle ground. As my colleague and fellow contributor to Good in Bed, Dr. Gail Saltz, says: “If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes but probably a bit less than the other likes.”

So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advising couples to try to do it at least once a week. That’s because I believe that sex ruts are becoming epidemic. Not long ago CNN reported that 40 million Americans are stuck in sexless marriages, and in my own practice I’ve seen an increase in sex ruts and low-desire relationships due to a number of factors:

  • The stress of the recession and the toll it’s taking on relationships
  • Couples are too busy and too tired for sex
  • The side effects of many medications which inhibit desire (especially anti-depressants in the SSRI family)
  • The easy access to Internet porn
  • The rise in obesity and other health/lifestyle issues that dampen libido

Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable: to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become “good friends” at best or “bickering roommates” at worst.

Beyond the fact that sex is fun and free and enables couples to stay tuned in and turned on, what are some other reasons to do it this week?

  • Sex rejuvenates you, relieves stress, boosts immunity, releases feel-good chemicals called endorphins, and—in men—improves prostate health.
  • A healthy sex life may even make you a superstar at the office: Recent research by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D,. suggests that people who enjoy regular sex may be more successful at work, possibly because sex can increase confidence and increase self-esteem.

So go ahead and break that rut! Sex is a little like exercise. Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump, but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage “use it or lose it” has some truth. So does my suggestion, “try it, you'll like it.” It's easy to forget how much fun sex can be, and just having sex once a week will put you back in a regular groove.

And if you’re stuck in a sex rut, think about the following:

1.      Exercise and eat right. Your sexual health is connected to your overall health, and it's no surprise that people who have sex more frequently are also healthier overall. If you're too tired for sex, it probably means you're too tired in other areas as well, and that you're not taking care of yourself as much as you should be.

2.      Minimize stress. Not only does stress release cortisol, which inhibits testosterone, but studies have also shown that for a woman to want to have sex (and to enjoy it) parts of the female brain associated with outside stressors need to deactivate. So figure out what's stressing you out and put together a plan with your partner to deal with it.

3.      Turn off (your computers), so you have some time to tune in to your partner and turn on. When you look at all of the precious time that gets sucked up by Facebook, surfing the Web, and email, no wonder you're plopping into bed exhausted and spent.

4.      Give your partner a hug. Non-sexual physical intimacy builds a foundation for sexual desire. Studies show that a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” and facilitates a sense of love and connection, especially in women. Most couples don’t take the time to hug at all, much less for 20 seconds.

In the end, remember, if you want to have a satisfying sex life, you have to have the sort of relationship that supports your sex life. Studies show that the difference between those relationships that succeed and those that fail is the ability to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. It’s actually believed that the ratio should be 5 to 1 — five positive interactions for every negative one. Of course, you can’t go through life tallying every interaction, but you can know whether you’re fundamentally in positive or negative territory and start swinging the pendulum back to where it belongs.

Like the Nike ad says, Just do it!

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.


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soundoff (629 Responses)
  1. Mama2KOA

    Sometimes it's not about not wanting them or wanting them. Like the author said, it's about stress or being tired. Also, finding time when the children are asleep or if they co-sleep, when they're not in the bed, it can be difficult arranging a time to be spontaneous.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. Lactose Intolerant

    i dont understand why my wife is no longer interested in sex? We used to have sex constantly. It may be all the milk she drinks? The milkman comes everyday to deliver his milk and now it seems she no longer is interested in sex?

    October 21, 2010 at 14:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Robert

    Maybe the article should be titled, "Why COUPLES should have sex at least once a week."

    What about the rest of us who are not part of a couple, who are single and, for whatever reason aren't in a relationship? Should we expect to have poorer health and less successful careers as a result? Are we doomed to go through our lives with neither the vim nor vigor as our sexy, coupled friends?

    Seriously, this all sounds a lot like idealistic, twenty-something girl-talk rather than a fact-based diagnosis.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:22 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Longbow

      You get to have one night stands...

      October 21, 2010 at 14:25 | Report abuse |
    • thebub

      Hey I share your thoughts. Sex for 1 is not so great. If that is the way to stay healthy I'll work on it!!!!!!

      October 22, 2010 at 16:26 | Report abuse |
  4. Longbow

    Here's an idea: One week a year,or two, all marriages are null and void. In preparation for that week, all interested participants would visit their doctor, have a checkup, and get a "disease-free" card. Then, it's no questions asked. When someone takes a vow that they will forsake all others, there's a chance they will be taken for granted. And for those not getting any, they get an opportunity to at least be like Santa Claus, and come once a year.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      In a male fantasyland this sounds really great for guys, but the REALITY is that women can find fast, hot, free sex a helluva lot EASIER than a man ever can! But good luck with that stupid idea! Most men go NUTS at the thought of their WIVES screwing some other dude, and you know it. And everyone else knows it too! LOL!

      October 21, 2010 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
    • Longbow

      Sorry, I thought I was in male fantasyland. And I don't disagree with you on any of your points.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:49 | Report abuse |
  5. Drake

    I muck the stables at a horse ranch in Florida. I work 10 hour days. I come home and my wife complains I stink and won't touch me.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Longbow

      Try bathing.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:26 | Report abuse |
    • Veganistic

      You can always get closer to your horses like that guy from Enumclaw, WA did... Beware about the perforated colon though.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:28 | Report abuse |
    • Joe in Austin

      Invite her to shower with you

      October 21, 2010 at 14:32 | Report abuse |
    • thebub

      TAKE A LONG SHOWER!!!!

      October 22, 2010 at 16:28 | Report abuse |
  6. Veganistic

    you do have to make the effort to do it with the wifey. especially when internet pron and your left hand do the job so much more efficiently these days, its easy to not make the time to please her too.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Kishore

      i've got to use my right hand. my left hand can't make me cum.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse |
  7. Mr.Logic

    dumb sk@nky girls choose jerks like you, get b anged by them, and then move on to the next one. Just because I chose to marry an intelligent and gorgeous woman doesn't make me a pu$ Sy....It makes me smart and I have no regrets for choosing more carefully than the average retarded drunken frat boy....you'll learn when your b@ll$ drop eventually.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • MegaThrobber

      I love to dominate men like you, leaving you crying in the corner with the pure joy that only domination by another man can provide.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:29 | Report abuse |
    • kaisersouse

      You're a bit of a rapist, aren't you?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:40 | Report abuse |
    • ViviMack

      Gosh, after reading all these comments, my libido just died!!! Where is the repect and love? Banged, porked, drilled, throw it to her... simply gross!!! My man and I, many times a week...and it's never crude, sometimes quick, sometimes not. But if he ever used those words, he'd be out on the street!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:36 | Report abuse |
    • Guest4Me

      I agree, there is no need for vulgarity here but some people feel the need to do so for they think the internet is anonymous. You sound like the perfect partner, keep up the good work.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:15 | Report abuse |
    • Drazul

      Thats not very nice...speaking of Hilary C like that 😛

      October 21, 2010 at 15:42 | Report abuse |
  8. Maryanne

    5 kids, a set of 2 yr old twins and a 1 yr old... I never want to be touched at the end of the day. Kids hanging from me all day. When they go to sleep so do I. It is the only alone time I get. I know my husband wants to be touched...loved..hugged. But it just isn't in me anymore. Bills, Stress and keeping kids also. Who has time for a relationship? If we are talking...with out interruptions then that is amazing.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Longbow

      Sounds familiar. Only thing I can say is your relationship is in danger if you don't. The old man will begin to feel like a hired hand. If you love him, fake it.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:30 | Report abuse |
    • Joe in Austin

      This relationship is already over. Why do you have him around? Why do you think he stays with you – altruism?

      October 21, 2010 at 14:35 | Report abuse |
    • Kevin

      If you dont fake it and give him love, then some woman will. You can not blame him and should accept this if he chooses to cheat. You made that choice for him.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:01 | Report abuse |
    • Kenny

      Maryanne, your marriage is NOT doomed. If he cheats on you just because you are too tired from taking care of the kids, then maybe he was not ready for marriage and have a family. I am a husband and a father. My wife and I both work and have to take care of the kids after work. When our kids are asleep, its time to wash the bottles and do our kids laundry. This is called having a family life. It eventually comes with marriage. My wife and I are not as sexually active as we'd like to be, but we both understand our priorities and we both love each other dearly and love the fact that we are tackling these challenges as husband and wife.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:15 | Report abuse |
    • WhyohWhy

      Ever consider birth control?

      October 21, 2010 at 20:16 | Report abuse |
    • C B

      We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old (who is still being breastfed) and my wife feels the same a lot. But, you need to make the time to leave the children with relatives or friends for one long weekend retreat to reconnect with your hubby. It does work. Try that and you should feel better.

      October 22, 2010 at 07:57 | Report abuse |
  9. Marriedforever

    My husband and I have been married 21 years -together for 26 – we have 2 teenagers, work full time, house, dogs,etc. We still make the time for sex 5-6 (or more) times a week – even if it's just a quickie on the bathroom floor.

    I hate to break it to all of the guys on here, but if your woman isn't having sex with you on a regular basis, it's time to look in the mirror – you're just not very good at it.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:28 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Medardus

      Yeah, because every woman out there is the greatest lay ever.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
    • Kevin

      Not every wife is a whore

      October 21, 2010 at 14:59 | Report abuse |
    • Marriedforever

      If getting it on with your husband and thinking he's hot makes me a whore – then I guess I'm a whore.

      Not all women are great lovers, but a man who's a great lover can bring out the best in his woman – and for the men getting it a couple times a month, I bet they would take bad sex over no sex.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:07 | Report abuse |
    • gadzilla

      It's not fair to assume it is automatically a man's fault if his woman is not sexually receptive. Though affection and romance are important to a female...I have never understood why females attract a man, knowing sex is part of what makes up a mans nature, only to resent "giving it up." It does happen. Imagine being a man. How often do they feel wanted and desired? And on the other hand, how often are they made to feel like pigs for wanting sex? I love my guy, and I have to remind myself frequently to show him some attention, too. People don't appreciate each other, and resentment builds on either side. This is not usually conducive to a close, intimate relationship. But sex can be. Ironic, isn't it?

      October 21, 2010 at 19:26 | Report abuse |
    • EM

      ... or maybe your wife's breasts aren't big enough (DD is the minimum cup-size according to recent studies..........)

      October 22, 2010 at 21:18 | Report abuse |
  10. Vitali

    @Sweet Lou Dunbar: Your arrogant ass sounds like one of these guys that thinks the world revolves around them or have a really shiny silver spoon hanging out of your mouth and have no worries what-so-ever.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Joe in Austin

    Article misses the most obvious point – couples stop having sex when one or the other is not longer attracted, often because of emotional baggage between them. In that case, get a clue and split.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Marine Wife

    Valerie,
    My husband and I have sex everyday, yes everyday. We have been together 21 years, married 16, and have 5 children from the ages of 16 to 3. An awesome sex life is possible if you are with the right person.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:30 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      I don't need you to school me on anything. The post you are so obviously referring to was written because I was noticing a lot of people with small kids were bringing that up. And YES, when my boys were small is WAS hard to fit sex in as much as WE WANTED. I was just making a point. I am wondering why YOU took it so personal, if your sex life is so satisfying?

      October 21, 2010 at 14:36 | Report abuse |
    • Marine Wife

      valerie,
      I didn't take it personally, maybe if you were satisfied you wouldn't have jumped down my throat. I figured you were asking because people think that people with kids don't make the time for each other. I am more in love with my husband now than I was when I met him in highschool. If you are with your soul mate all can be good in the bedroom and out.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:00 | Report abuse |
  13. Balls_ache

    Is that with or without a partner!?!?!

    October 21, 2010 at 14:31 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Joe in Austin

      🙂

      October 21, 2010 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
    • boocat

      "Don't knock masturbation...it's sex with someone I love" – Woody Allen

      October 21, 2010 at 16:20 | Report abuse |
  14. Rachy007

    My man and I have been together for 4 years and great sex at least 4 times a week. We both have healthy sex drives and crave the itimacy at the end of a long day. We were in New Orleans last summer, dancing in this great bar (shouts out to Razoo!) and the MC/DJ lady shouts, "Check out Mr. & MrsToronto! They look like they have great sex!!!" All we could do was grin 🙂 It's also the sure-shot to ending an argument too- we have been known to just stop talking and start stripping. It's free and it's fun – why not? BTW – I once used a B/C that KILLED my libido and it was a nightmare for us both... Got off that pretty quick... 🙂

    October 21, 2010 at 14:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Medicated Pete

    I have the best relationship alive, my "Right Wing" spouse loves the idea of sex all the time. Its the sensation of naked flesh on naked flesh, the warmth and the release. That's why I masturbate every morning, every afternoon and every night.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Georgette

    I am so sick and tired of all these stories (usually written by men) that tell me how often I need to have sex as if there was such a thing as "needing as opposed to wanting" sex. This is nobody's business except the couple involved, be it daily or never.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Balls_ache

      Whoa!!! Somebody's not gettin' any!!!!!

      October 21, 2010 at 14:38 | Report abuse |
    • DYLANSDADDY

      @ Balls- I dont think she wants it. At least thats what I got from the post.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:41 | Report abuse |
    • Fricsaid

      Yeah, you might wanna try to loosen up, no pun intended. 🙂

      October 21, 2010 at 14:44 | Report abuse |
    • Kevin

      it si proven that without sex a man will get cancer. If your not giving your man some, then you live with the guilt of killing him .

      October 21, 2010 at 15:03 | Report abuse |
    • peaceandlove

      lol Kevin. how many times have you used that with all the naive young ones you pick up.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:22 | Report abuse |
  17. Mikey

    My wife & I have sex every day and once a week we have it together!

    October 21, 2010 at 14:36 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Balls_ache

      Excellent!!!!!

      October 21, 2010 at 14:39 | Report abuse |
  18. Benjamin

    Sex grounded in love is good and there is much more to love than sex.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. DYLANSDADDY

    People should look into Tantric sex.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. pete

    Good advice, if you can find someone to do it with!

    October 21, 2010 at 14:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Johnny

    These articles are always from a women's perspective. I guess men don't want to say the real reason why alot of marriages end up sexless? From my personal experience and hearing from the experiences of most men I know it comes down to boredom. This doesn't apply to all men of course, but it really does seem like most. And I know there are circumstances where the man wants it and the woman does not. Men don't want to have sex with the same woman for their entire life. Most married men will have sex everyday if they could be with more than one woman. The other element is men are visually oriented to a fault. If she isn't looking attractive to him it's hard to get hard! I know to most women I sound like an ass, but I think this is really what's going on.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:40 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      Women want variety too.

      Don't think we are thinking of our partner every time we are having sex with you.

      Because we're not. Just keeping it real.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:42 | Report abuse |
    • DYLANSDADDY

      That sounds about right.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:44 | Report abuse |
    • Balls_ache

      @Valerie,,,,,,,Oh I'm sorry,,what did you say,,I was thinking of someone else!!!

      October 21, 2010 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
    • Enjoy your Life

      Agreed. Its hard work. Both men and women need to work hard to stay looking nice and keep "dating" your partner. Pretty sure you wouldn't take a dump in front of your date on the first night, so why are you doing it now? There needs to be some mystery. It sounds harsh but it is really true, you both need to show your self worth by taking care of your appearance. Do this for yourself and everything will fall into place. Men and women both also need to keep it interesting. Variety..role playing...fun places, etc. I realize you may not have energy..but damn. Do you want a good relationship or not?
      Truthfully, if you are just bored with their physical appearance and you really just feel the need to have sex with other women/men no matter what your wife/husband is doing to keep it interesting... you married her/him for the wrong reason.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
    • Kishore

      if i could have megan fox one day, melissa satta another day and so on, i would be having sex 365*2 in one year at the least.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:12 | Report abuse |
    • Johnny

      To Enjoy Your life,
      Most men really just want sex. Right, men? Speak the truth or prove me wrong! The whole relationship thing is what most women want. Right, woman? Yea some women just want sex and some men really want a relationship but that is the minority. Men want sex with more than one woman. It could even be if they had a different woman just a few times a year. Why do you think men from all different walks of life are willing to risk their career and reputation over it? Clinton, Spitzer, and many others. It doesn't mean the man doesn't respect or care about his wife. I don't know what it is exactly, it's like some instinct that you can't completely quell.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:38 | Report abuse |
    • C B

      Well, it's a no-brainer on why the ancient "Our Father who art in heaven" prayer tells us not to lead into temptation. Yup, let's face it: men are doomed.

      October 22, 2010 at 08:19 | Report abuse |
  22. David

    If it is once a week I always hope for a morning of sex or a complete day of sex:

    Here is why: RECOVERY management!

    If a guy has not had sex in a while that first time is not as long as we would hope for. So a day or a weekend of sex is what I would like. because an intence 6-8 hours of sex is better than sex once a week.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Enjoy your Life

    Personally, I could never marry someone, committing my life to them FOREVER, without talking to them about this first. Making sure that he and I are totally compatable both with the actual sex and also the communication part of it. Deciding beforehand that if one of us is in a rut, we talk about why and fix it. By fix it I mean actually FIX THE PROBLEM, or realize we aren't compatible and move on.(meaning one or the other won't put forth the effort to try- should you really be together?) Trust me,don't stay together just for the kids. My parents did. Yeah you're together, but you're miserable. The kids notice your lack of affection. It is readily apparent to them the first time they see their friends parents holding hands or kissing. (Parents do that?) So staying together just for them isn't really helping anything either. Plus I'm pretty sure if you aren't having sex, it spills into other areas of your life, or vice versa. So take an honest look at your relationship- is it really worth it,as a whole? But if you want to get busy, and be fully satisfied with your partner...Bite the bullet or move on! You are worth it!
    And as far as people saying that candle wax and having sex in fun places doesn't work in real life... that is so sad to me. I refuse to become subject to the pressures and demands of life. Why should I let my job and my kids take away my life's enjoyment? So your life just sucks and then you die...and you are okay with this? You can make ANYTHING work if you are willing to put forth the effort. Think outside the box! If it means you will actually be having sex more often..why not try it? It's work, but I'll be damned if I could think of a "job" with a more pleasurable outcome. If your partner is the one who doesn't want to have sex, start by sincerely *showing* your love for them (not just saying it) and remember what it was like when you were dating. You tried to show them how special they were to you. If you have wronged them, and you truly want to make your marriage work... right the wrongs. Make amends. Do what it takes to show them you've changed. If you don't think those things are worth trying, you truly shouldn't be together.
    Life is for living people... and enjoying... and loving. Otherwise, what is the point?

    October 21, 2010 at 14:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • David

      That is because many people get married in the infatuation phase, that means they are doing it 2-5 times a day any where and every where

      October 21, 2010 at 14:46 | Report abuse |
    • peaceandlove

      if you're a guy, will you marry me??? 🙂

      October 21, 2010 at 16:25 | Report abuse |
    • WhyohWhy

      Very well said.

      October 21, 2010 at 20:24 | Report abuse |
  24. schmacka lacka

    What if you just don't want to have sex w your hubby because he generally treats you like crap and only gets cuddly when he wants some?? haha ladies, how many of you know this is the REAL problem?? so so true.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:46 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Enjoy your Life

      Right, that's what I'm saying. Why are you still together with him if he treats you like crap and only is affectionate when he wants some? You deserve so much better than that...

      October 21, 2010 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
    • kaisersouse

      I guess its easier to whine and garner attention from strangers than it is to actually change your life for the better, huh?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:10 | Report abuse |
  25. XWngLady

    Ok. I understand that mens' and womens' vocabulary about sex can differ (e.g. "pork" v. "make love") and that what may seem crude to women is not necessarily so to men. But I don't think that anyone would have a problem if a man said they were going to "pork" a prostitute or some random chic they met at a bar, but would the man say that he was going to "make sweet love" to the prostitute or to the one night stand chic? Probably not. So when men say they "pork"ed their wife, it comes across as if it was just a mechanical act to get their rocks off that could have been replicated with any willing va&ina, where as if you use the term "make love" then there is an assumption that there is at least have some semblance of a loving relationship involved....my point is, I think words do matter.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      I agree with you. And you explained your stance quite well, I might add.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:02 | Report abuse |
    • Valerie

      Sorry, meant to attach this to XwingLady's post...it didn't attach.....mea culpa!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:03 | Report abuse |
    • David

      A couple will come up with their own language, and they will know if they are being romantic or downright naughty.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:30 | Report abuse |
  26. momof2

    Sound Proofing With Kids....Well....turn on music in your bedroom....but that doesn't work all of the time...our kids know when we go in the bedroom and lock the door...what is happening...and they kid us about it....they of course are 18 and 21....

    October 21, 2010 at 14:48 | Report abuse | Reply
    • kaisersouse

      Maybe those two adults should get their own place?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:09 | Report abuse |
    • Enjoy your Life

      At least your kids have a good example of parents who love each other and make time for one another. I would so much rather be "grossed out" (cuz no matter what age you are its pretty icky to think of your parents doing it... LOL) than feel sad that my parents aren't in love with each other enough to still be intimate. Even if they hadn't been so angry and argued about it in front of me (wrong in itself), it would have been apparent in the way they very rarely showed "couples" affection...hand holding,hugging,etc. Kids need to see their parents affectionate, it is a good model for them of what they deserve to have in life.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:26 | Report abuse |
  27. kaisersouse

    Also ladies...if he's desperately sending out the "im available"message on the CNN comment section....he must be pretty classy!

    October 21, 2010 at 14:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. O

    Once a week that is crazy. Even with a one year old kid my and my wife do something at least 4 times a week. She dosen't have the same drive as me otherwise it would be everyday. But we do get that one year break when the Amy sends me on a nice paid vaction to the SW (Iraq,Afghan).

    October 21, 2010 at 14:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Alice

    Sex is overrated especially in this sex saturated society with commercials, TV, movies and so on.

    "Sex can increase confidence and increase self-esteem." This can go both ways, where one person becomes dependent for the self esteem boost.

    Confidencen and health self-esteem comes from within not below the belt.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:51 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Balls_ache

      You might want to hook-up with Georgette.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
    • Alice

      You might want to go read a book if you're not going to write anything notably to this article.

      October 21, 2010 at 14:57 | Report abuse |
    • Balls_ache

      @Alice,,,,,,Ouch,,,You just lowered my self-esteem!!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:01 | Report abuse |
    • kaisersouse

      Alice: Short spikey hair, check. Chip on shoulder, check. Subaru Forester, check.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:08 | Report abuse |
    • David

      Alice,

      Men really dont say that. Like I said earlier, @ 5:45 AM I'm reminded that it would be nice daily. And I understand that a woman's fading desire slows sex in a relationship. As we mature the sexual desires of a couple may change. in most cases the woman loses desire and the man still wants it.

      I read something where woman were complaining about viagra and other male enhancecements, saying that the artificial erection is not fair are wanted. The reality is that a woman loast her sex drive and is trying to convence her partner and people that it does not mater. When at 5:45 in the morning weather he is wake or not young. middle aged, or old he really really wants it.

      Sex is NOT over rated when men are chemically driven to have it, and whats more It helps the relationship. That is what the article is saying and I agree.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:57 | Report abuse |
  30. Fricsaid

    I'm a 46 year old male and God I love sex. I am also very content with just having sex with my partner. I mean, she's beautiful and I am very attracted to her. Naturally, my sexual appetite is much more aggressive than her's, but when it all comes out in the wash, I can honestly say we're both very happy with what we have. It brings us closer, we smile and laugh a lot afterwards and forces us both to be more sesitive to one anothers needs. I mean, we talk about it. Not only about sex, but in every aspect of our life. Most that I know that do not experience a ongoing sexual relationship are moody, crabby and want to condemn all those around them that are. As long as you are in a monogamous relationship, what the heII do you have to loose? Live it up. Have fun. Experiment. I coulnd't be happier. 🙂

    October 21, 2010 at 14:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Kevin

    Sex is ok, its not that great and can become extremely boring. I have sex for a living, and the physical pains i suffer now are from having sex. Lower back pain, knee injuries, pulled ligaments. Once a week is fine, but take it slow and enjoy it, most couples and the woman I work with want to go hard and fast all the time. Relax slow down and enjoy it and yes it can be stress relieving. Have two 18 year old girls screaming at you to f them hard as you can at times can be fun, but is not without its stresses.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • jim

      awwwwww you poor thing!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:06 | Report abuse |
    • Fricsaid

      And to have to worry about the police all the time......dude, I know what you mean.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:06 | Report abuse |
    • kaisersouse

      "and the physical pains i suffer now are from having sex"

      AKA "Gonorrhea"

      October 21, 2010 at 15:07 | Report abuse |
    • yummy

      um what do you do?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:16 | Report abuse |
    • kahmyah

      i salute you..just becasue you can pull it off.. giving him the wave..lol...wow./..it must be really HARD being you..LOL..tough job you have..lol...

      October 21, 2010 at 15:40 | Report abuse |
  32. Kevin

    Also ladies remember that your @ss is the new vagina.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • kaisersouse

      hahahahahahaha

      October 21, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse |
    • Kishore

      :))

      October 21, 2010 at 15:17 | Report abuse |
  33. koaheart

    Doesn't anyone believe in morning, noon, night and afternoon delight? I'm 54 and my sex drive is as high as it was when I was in my twenties. The chemistry and all of the above needs to be there for the sex to be there. There is a big difference between making love and having sex.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Adam

    Sex is never free. Everybody pays for it in some way.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. MAC

    Quality over quantity. Sex is a very important aspect of an intimate relationship, and bordem will follow if there is no effort put in. Buy lingerie, use toys, experiment... People are unhappy with their sex life because they allow themselves to me.

    October 21, 2010 at 14:59 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Enjoy your Life

      Exactly MAC!!!!!!!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:00 | Report abuse |
  36. IseeTheLight

    I wonder if my ex-wife read this article. Well, at least my current GF believes in ample intimacy, and life has become a lot more enjoyable.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Kevin

      Yes she does, tell her thanks from all the guys.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse |
  37. Someone

    I love how everyone that posts on here is like "oh, well I love my wife/husband" and if you aren't already doing this you're in a bad marriage. Give me a break. Sometimes life is hard. It doesn't mean anyone who doesn't is a fat slob and it doesn't mean anyone who doesn't isn't in a loving relationship. I see many young/sex-obsessed relationships as immature and shallow. I'd prefer my relationship that took years to build and doesn't rely on a bunch of forced "sex agreement" type sex to be meaningful. I prefer less meaningful sex to more "something to prove" sex any day.

    There's no equation to what's right. Intimacy comes in many forms. If everyone is happy, what does it matter?

    October 21, 2010 at 15:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Enjoy your Life

      well if everyone is truly happy having less sex... then that is your unspoken agreement. There is no problem there and that is a good thing. 🙂 this is for people who are not happy with their current arrangement- who either want less or more out of their relationship.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:31 | Report abuse |
  38. Kurt

    One subject the author did not mention is women who are not able to have an orgasm through intercourse. Include that with the other factors diminishing a couples intimacy and it becomes quite frustrating. I knew this going in to marriage and naively thought it would not be a factor, but my desires have suffered.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Enjoy your Life

      So...the question I wonder here is, (unless your woman is not medically able to have an orgasm, or has suffered major abuse, etc) why arent you trying to learn how to help her have an orgasm when you are together? Stimulating her manually... or oral, or whatever? Or why isn't she "helping" herself by touching herself while yall do it? Most of the time it doesn't just "happen" for women like it does for men, you gotta go out there and get it!
      My man told me that when we first got together, he was kind of surprised that I 'took matters into my own hands' when we had sex. He said nobody he had been with before would do that. Now he loves it because he and I both know I will always be fully satisfied. He is a very giving and generous lover and is more than willing to do his part... but can relax knowing that not all of the responsibility for my pleasure rests on his shoulders.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:45 | Report abuse |
  39. TheBossIsOut

    Sex is like an arcade game. Pop in a quarter. Play until it says "Game Over" and you either won or lost.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Balls_ache

      Wow,,,I never thought about putting a quarter in the slot,,,,do i put it in before or after??

      October 21, 2010 at 15:13 | Report abuse |
  40. rs

    @Everybody...on three...everyone wank or rub one out...ready.0ne, two, three-go!

    October 21, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Balls_ache

      DONE!!!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:14 | Report abuse |
  41. pat

    Some of you evidently live in a better world than I do. The poster's $1300 a month for health insurance and prescriptions or co-payments sounds just about right for a family plan through an employer.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. down2earth

    Once week that would be great. Problem is that todays women know once you are married and have kids they do not have to put out any more. Becasue there is nothing yo can do. Because they will get half of your money+ your kids. They got you by the balls for 18 years. Sorry to sound neg but the trust hurts sometimes.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:07 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Solivagus

      Hmmm, I suspect that's true of some women. At least you're describing my wife's attitude. Once she had our first child, her entire attitude about our relationship changed for the worse. She became 99% mom and 1% wife. The only time she seemed really interested in sex was when she wanted another kid. I'm exaggerating, but not by a lot. I exist to earn money and help her raise *her* kids (as she sometimes says). I feel used and trapped. I came from a divorced family, and I don't want our kids to suffer the same thing. I'm happy for all you who are happily married. Consider it a gift from heaven. But at the same time it reminds me how dismal my marriage is.

      October 21, 2010 at 23:14 | Report abuse |
  43. P-Rick

    There is an issue that is not dealt with here – being a bit blunt – I suck at sex. I just do. That contributes significantly to a low libido and almost no desire to have sex just to be reminded once again that I am not good at it.

    The article also ignores that there are couple that have great sex often but the rest of the relationship is a train wreck. Sex is far from a cure all in a relationship.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. RichP, easton, pa

    Neither one of us would consider even getting out of bed in the morning without 20 min of cuddling and that is after 29 years of marriage. However with both college attending kids living at home again it has put a crimp in things.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Bobbys Girl

    I was blessed with the best friend, soul mate and sexual partner one could imagine. Unfortunately he passed away suddenly 6 months ago. Our sex life was a kind of free for all. We tried anything and everything that was mutually agreeable, we were into what ever pleased the other and as a result we each were satisfied beyond belief. Not only did we have sex several times a week, often it was several times a day; and we're in our late 40's. We were bonded so strongly in every aspect of our lives that it made our sexual passion for one another overwhelming. I believe that when the proper components of a loving are there i.e. friendship, respect, compassion,fidelity, trust, love, desire, passion, common interests, individual interests, then a wildly fun and fulfilling sex life will naturally follow.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:10 | Report abuse | Reply
    • MegaThrobber

      Several times a day? I recommend Vaseline for such high-frequency sex to keep you guys from getting rubbed raw.

      October 21, 2010 at 15:25 | Report abuse |
    • winnie

      Have you replaced him yet, or just playing the field?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:56 | Report abuse |
    • Freda from NC

      I am sorry for your loss. It's a shock to one's system when they go from sex every day to none at all. Just know that it is up to YOU to decide when you want to engage in sex again – not society, not your family, not anyone else but you. It is quite possible to miss and grieve a dearly and deeply beloved significant other and still get your freak on. Well, possible for some people. Like I said before I wanted my late husband to get his freak on if I had died first. Sex is a celebration of life! Make sure your FWB is aware of the parameters of the situation. But you definitely want to take your time before starting a serious relationship.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:40 | Report abuse |
    • Freda from NC

      Oh yeah, Vaseline is a no no. Use a water-based or silicon-based lubricant. Visit an adult romance boutique for an idea of the range of choices for lube.

      October 21, 2010 at 16:56 | Report abuse |
  46. debbie

    sounds like everyone on this story needs to go get some right now 🙂 wow, an uptight, grouchy bunch we have here. I think that would be the good doctors point!

    October 21, 2010 at 15:11 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Balls_ache

      How you doin'!?!?!?!?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:19 | Report abuse |
    • WhyohWhy

      And you are here because?

      October 21, 2010 at 20:39 | Report abuse |
  47. BEAUTIFUL BLACK

    lol

    October 21, 2010 at 15:11 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Devon

      why you call yourself BEAUTIFUL BLACK?

      October 21, 2010 at 15:54 | Report abuse |
  48. oroku saki

    Is it ironic that "rut" also refers to animals engaging in sexual activity?

    October 21, 2010 at 15:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Tom

    Once a week?!?!? I would be happy with once a month... I'm lucky if my wife is in the mood once every quarter....

    October 21, 2010 at 15:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Kishore

      are you sure you are not me?!

      October 21, 2010 at 15:20 | Report abuse |
    • WhyohWhy

      Maybe, it's you.

      October 21, 2010 at 20:40 | Report abuse |
  50. mizzdirekt

    Someone want to tell my wife it's O.K. to "f" once in a while. You would think it was crime. As it is it's a weapon of war to her.

    October 21, 2010 at 15:19 | Report abuse | Reply
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Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.